TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 53, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems…
Q: My husband recently got a new job: it’s a major promotion — something he’s always dreamed of — so I was delighted for him. Until I found out it is in Dubai! He wanted me to move out there with our two children, who are 12 and 14. But I just can’t do it.
My whole life is here in Kent: my friends, family and job. I’m 48 and can’t imagine uprooting everything I’ve worked so hard to build over 20 years. Plus, I don’t want to disrupt our children’s education. So, we’ve agreed that, for a couple of years, he’ll go and I’ll stay.
An anonymous reader wrote in to TV’s Steph and Dom and said she was worried her husband may cheat on her when he moves abroad for work
The only problem is my friends think I’m being naïve to let him go alone — they think he might meet another woman. I can’t stop worrying they might be right. What if he does end up having an affair? He’s due to leave in a few weeks. Should I tell him not to go?
Steph says: Let’s cut to the chase here. There is no doubt in my mind that you should go with your husband. Not because he’s going to have an affair if you leave him alone, but because he’s going to feel abandoned if you, well, leave him, which is — let’s face it — basically what you’re planning to do.
To pack your husband off to another country alone would be a huge, huge test for your marriage.
Why are you going to take that risk? Why do you want to put your marriage under such strain?
There is absolutely no way your husband won’t be lonely on his own. Yes, he’ll be busy. Yes, he’ll make new friends, but his wife and children will not be there. Sure, he’ll enjoy having pizza and beer for dinner and nobody asking him to take the bins out for a few weeks, but then the novelty will wear off and he’ll be lonely. And so will you. And then both of you will get used to being on your own and that is a very dangerous situation indeed.
You are married. You don’t just get to bail out because things go slightly outside the lines you’ve drawn up for the two of you. When you chose to get married, you chose to start a journey together. This move is simply a new destination on that journey.
I get that you’re frightened of the unknown and I respect that. But the trick in life is to turn that fear on its head. Close your eyes and take the plunge. It really is all about taking a leap of faith every now and then.
You have a duty to support your husband and you need to consider what is the worst that can happen. If you hate it when you get there you can always come home again. But you must start from a united front. Don’t cut yourself off. You’re putting distance between you and he hasn’t even left the building yet! This is unhealthy for all of you. You need to embrace the change.
If you can’t do it for you, do it for your kids. As parents we have a duty to give our children every opportunity. You must not deny them this one, it could well turn out to be the experience of a lifetime.
Steph and Dom (pictured) both give advice to the woman with Steph saying that she should go to Dubai with her husband
Believe me, I know what I’m talking about — my father was in the Army and I lived all over the world as a young child. The experience was invaluable. It gave me a broader perspective on the world. It gave me courage and great, great joy. Very few people get this opportunity. Stop living in fear. This next step of your journey could well be the best yet.
Dom says: Congratulations on your husband’s success. I’m sure that you’re very proud of him and he must be delighted too, after all, nobody sets out to climb the ladder to middle management and then just stay there. This is what he’s spent years working for, and hoping for and he’s finally achieved it!
Now I fully understand that such a big change is daunting to you. It’s perfectly normal that you wouldn’t relish the prospect of living apart from the man you love. But, it appears you’ve made your decision and there’s no budging for you in terms of moving abroad with him.
It’s admirable you’re putting your children’s education at the heart of your decision. The next couple of years are crucial for your kids — and your marriage. The key thing to remember here is that you’re only talking about a couple of years! It really isn’t that long. In 24 months your children will be far better able to fend for themselves and almost ready to leave the nest and you can reassess your decision to stay put in England.
However, you have to get through that time with your relationship intact. What worries me is your fear of an affair. You need to look deeply into your own heart and ask yourself if you really are worried your husband is about to leave you for another woman. Because the reality is, infidelity has little to do with geography.
If he wanted to have an affair, he would. Here or there. It’s that simple.
So, ask yourself again, why you fear this so much. Is it simply insecurity?
I think you should plan those 24 months as closely as you can. You must put as many visits as possible in the diary, and you must discuss how and when you’re going to fit phone dates and Facetime into your lives.
You have to ensure you are a presence in his home — and he in yours. And then, with good grace, you must support him in the move. Marriages don’t work without trust. You need to trust him. If you don’t, you’re putting a nail in the coffin of your relationship.
You simply can’t tell him not to go. If you did, he’d have to inform his superiors that his wife had asked him to turn down the job and he’d agreed. This is tantamount to career suicide.
Promotions are about more responsibility, longer hours and more money! If you want your husband to be CEO and you want to be Mrs CEO you will have to accept sacrifices.
If you have a question you’d like Steph and Dom to tackle, write to stephanddom@dailymail.co.uk