Steph & Dom solve your sex, love & life troubles: He didn’t propose. Should I ask him myself?

TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 52 and 54, draw on their 21 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems…  

Q I’m 42 and have been with my boyfriend for six years. I’ve always been upfront about the fact that I want to get married, and he has always said we’d do it eventually. He said we needed to save up.

Last summer, though, my grandma died and left me £20,000 — more than enough for us to get married.

Before Christmas I showed him a few pictures of the kind of ring I’d like, and how we could buy it together. 

He didn’t really say anything, but I thought he was OK with it. I expected him to propose on Christmas Day, but he didn’t, and I was so upset. He could tell I was disappointed.

An anonymous reader asked for advice on proposing to her boyfriend of six years (stock photo)

All my friends and family were expecting us to get engaged and I just feel so sad that we’re not. Why hasn’t he asked me?

My sister says I should just ask him because it’s going to be a leap year, but I don’t think he’ll like that. What should I do?

Steph says: I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I understand how upset you must be feeling, because, deep down, I think you realise you have reached the end of this relationship. 

You felt you had a tacit agreement with your partner that you would get married, but I’m afraid he doesn’t share that view — and I think you know that. You say you showed him pictures of the type of ring you’d like. 

He may well have felt you were trying to strong-arm him into this, and I am not surprised he has dug his heels in. 

You expected he would propose to you over Christmas and, when that didn’t happen, over New Year. Sadly, he hasn’t done so. It is entirely possible that he does want to marry you, but wants to do it on his own terms. Your curated selection of rings may well have come across to him as controlling — and I would tend to agree with that. 

Steph (pictured left) told the reader to take control of her future and reclaim her self-worth

Steph (pictured left) told the reader to take control of her future and reclaim her self-worth

So it could be that his failure to ask you is simply him resisting because he resents you for trying to force his hand. But I’m afraid to say I think it’s more likely his silence speaks volumes. 

You’ve been together for six years — more than enough time to know if you want to spend the rest of your lives together. If he doesn’t want to commit to you, then he is stealing your time and, as we all know, time is precious and not to be wasted. You deserve more than to wait around to see if he might finally choose you. In my eyes, you have three options. 

The first, you follow your sister’s advice and propose to him. This is risky. Should he say no, the emotional fallout would be too much for anyone to bear. Why set yoursel f up for such heartache? 

The second option is to tell him you are disappointed he hasn’t asked you, but let him do it more or less in his own time. 

Say, for example, that if he hasn’t decided he wants to marry you by this time next year, you’ll take that as your cue to bow out. 

This way you hedge your bets a bit. But I have to say that I think you may simply be prolonging your agony and chipping away at your self-esteem every month. I always say never give an ultimatum that you’re not prepared to follow through with, and this is certainly true here. 

Which means, if you feel strong enough, I think you should go for the third choice. Tell him it’s clear to you that he doesn’t see there being a ‘for ever’ with you, and it’s time you moved on to find someone who does. 

He might then surprise you with the ring of your dreams. But he may not. 

Take control of your future and reclaim your self-worth. Let him go gently, and walk into your next relationship knowing exactly what you are looking for, not waiting for.

Dom says: Well, we have a problem here, and I’m afraid I have to say it is a problem of your own creation.

You’ve dreamt up a deadline for your boyfriend and are distraught that he failed to meet your expectations — despite the fact he didn’t know about them.

You may have dropped hints about rings and the like, but I’m not in the least bit surprised he failed to pick up on them. The vast majority of men don’t spend years dreaming about getting married and weddings.

This doesn’t mean we don’t love deeply, but we’re simply not as hung up on the paraphernalia of the whole thing.

Dom (pictured) told the reader there is nothing wrong with seeking a declaration of intent — something to reassure you that he's serious

Dom (pictured) told the reader there is nothing wrong with seeking a declaration of intent — something to reassure you that he’s serious

My heart goes out to this poor fellow. You’re wafting about the house like Miss Miserable 2020 and he probably has no idea why. So, I think you have a responsibility to try to return to normal as much as you can — and to let him know why you have been so upset. Sit down together and talk.

Of course, if you want to, you could take advantage of it being a leap year and propose (I believe the traditional time to do so is in February). But it’s not the 1950s. If you want to propose, you should do so anyway!

The issue with that is you say you don’t think he’ll like it. Why? Is he a male chauvinist? Or do you simply think he’d rather do it under his own steam? I suspect the latter might be the case for most people.

The thing about proposing is men fall into one of two camps. There are those who want to plan it, and have a ring and a restaurant booked — the whole rigmarole. Then there are those who know they’ll do it, but wait for the right moment to hit them, and a flood of emotion that means it must happen now.

Only you can know which camp your chap falls into, and if you’re going to steal his thunder by getting down on one knee.

The one thing you definitely shouldn’t be afraid of asking, however, is if he’s going to propose at some point.

There is nothing wrong with seeking a declaration of intent — something to reassure you that he’s serious. Tell him you were hoping he was going to ask you, and that you need to know if it’s on the cards.

At the moment you’ve told yourself it’s a ‘no’, and it could well be a ‘not yet’. Be brave enough to find out.  

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