TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 52 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems…
Q: My partner moved in to my flat five months ago (we were together two years before that) and he’s yet to put his towel in the wash.
When we lived apart I’d always wash his towels, so I never noticed his hygiene blindness until a few months ago when his towel started to smell.
I decided to say nothing and see how long he would leave it. Now, I think it could stay there for years. He also doesn’t shower every day and is always stroking his beard with his hands.
We went away for a weekend and he didn’t bother to pack his toothbrush — just used mine until I found out. I went mad at him but he thought it was funny and called me a clean freak.
It’s now putting me off getting close to him. How do I avoid sounding like his mother? We’re in our 40s. I love him, but hate his lack of hygiene.
An anonymous reader asked TV’s Steph and Dom Parker for advice after their partner moved into their flat five months ago – and he’s yet to wash his towel (stock image)
STEPH SAYS:
What I think you are dealing with here is a fortysomething manchild who hasn’t got round to growing up. Presumably a previous girlfriend has been mollycoddling him or his mother still is. Either way, he has clearly not been looking after himself.
I understand that you think it shouldn’t fall to you to look after him — and I agree — but women tend to do more than their fair share in the home. Maybe mess bothers them more, maybe men are lazier, maybe women are just programmed that way.
In my experience, it is the reality. If you expect your boyfriend to divide all domestic chores absolutely equally you will probably be disappointed.
So, just wash the offending towel. No fanfare or huffing and puffing! Leaving it to fester is self-destructive; the longer you leave it, the more it irritates you. I feel there is an element of point-scoring, and that’s not healthy and it’s not going to achieve what you want. Which is for you and your man to rub along nicely and cleanly. So bung on a boil wash.
You have been living together for five months — this is when you bed-in to the relationship.
When the lustre starts to wear off (and the lust). We all compromise in relationships — but the best way to get him to do that is not to tackle this head- on. For once, this is not an occasion where you sit down with a bottle of wine and give it to him straight. This requires subtlety.
If you tell him he’s challenged in the cleanliness department he’ll be deeply hurt and you’ll wound his pride. This is not a good idea. What is a good idea is to tell him you’re struggling with sharing your space with a creature of the opposite sex. Explain you have been taught life differently, which includes daily showers and regular towel changes.
Steph (pictured with Dom) said the reader has a chance to ‘shape this man’s future to your exacting standards’
Appeal to him to help you get used to him sharing your living space. I think you need a bit of compromising yourself. Think of things you want him to do for you — and ask him to do them.
Do the things he’s blind to for him — so long as he does other things for you that you don’t want to do, you will achieve equality in the domestic arena.
Compromise, encourage, nurture, be smart. You have a chance here to shape this man’s future to your exacting standards. Everyone wins.
When you complain about his beard, are you sure you’re not nitpicking because he’s getting on your nerves? Unless he’s just grown it, you’ve had time to get used to it. Unless you really loathe it, I’d leave the beard alone — blokes can be very sensitive about them.
DOM SAYS:
Oh dear, oh dear. I do sympathise. While I’m delighted that you’ve found love and have moved in together I really do feel your predicament.
Unless something has changed for your chap emotionally, it seems to me his hygiene routine is probably the same as it was before he moved in — the difference is now you know about it!
I have to say, I do think he’s a bit on the thin side when it comes to his ablutions. And I think you’re being rather lovely about all this — fact is, nobody loves a soap dodger!
I know some people claim to enjoy a feral whiff, but I think that’s rather rare. Most of us find it rather gross. And therein lies the problem.
You do not want to find yourself in a situation where you don’t want him to touch you — or vice versa. And I’m sure that he won’t want that either.
So it’s time to tackle it head-on. If you don’t, you could find that this escalates to the point of no return. This is a serious problem. He can’t shrug it off — it could well lead to a break-up. You say he laughed at you for being upset he used your toothbrush. Well, I do think you overreacted a bit about that.
Dom said the reader should ‘tackle the problem head on’ as it ‘could well lead to a break up’
If you’re happy to kiss him you should be happy to share a toothbrush — but it is terribly bad manners of him not to ask to borrow it beforehand.
And I think that’s important here: his refusal to take proper care of himself shows a lack of respect for himself and for you.
It means you have no choice but to call him out on it. When it comes to the beard, well, there’s a simple solution there — avoid it! If you think he’s putting his dirty hands all over his face all the time, I entirely understand you don’t want to be anywhere near it. So stop kissing him! Tell him you find his mucky beard a turn-off and he either starts washing his hands more frequently or he shaves it off! It should give him a bit of a clue that soon you will stop more than kissing, too.
I would also leave his towels on the floor and the sheets on the bed until the penny droppeth.
Many of us are a bit OTT about laundry — my wife would wash a shirt if it’d been worn for more than 20 minutes — but if he really hasn’t washed his towel in five months, then he is taking things too far. Far too far.
You need to give him some rules. Explain that you love him, but he’s setting you both up for a fall. When it comes to intimate relationships, there is no second best in this area.
He has to make more effort. Tell him to buck up — this isn’t going to wash for much longer!