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The answers to the ten most common sex questions REVEALED

No matter how polished your bedroom technique, you’re still likely to harbour one or two burning questions about sex. 

Now Tracey Cox has revealed the 10 questions she’s asked time and again as a sex and relationships expert. 

It seems women of all ages and walks of life have pondered the importance of the G-spot, or why they can’t reach orgasm through penetration alone. 

Here, straight-talking sex expert Tracey shares her no-nonsense answers to the most common queries when it comes to what goes on between the sheets… 

Tracey Cox reveals the questions (and answers) to the most common questions women ask about sex 

Why can’t I climax with my partner during intercourse?

Because you’re not designed to physiologically.

Only one quarter of all women orgasm through penetration despite both men and women believing the opposite: that most women do.

Dr Laurie Mintz, a US psychology professor and human sexuality expert (and author of Becoming Cliterate), thinks we’ve separated our most reliable route to female orgasm – clitoral stimulation – from how we feel we should orgasm – penetration.

The result is men have at least three times as many orgasms with a partner than women do.

The clitoris is outside the vagina and all orgasms require some type of clitoral stimulation (remembering the bit you see is just the head).

If you’re one of the three-quarters who can’t climax with just his penis, the only way to ensure you do is to add clitoral stimulation.

This means holding a small vibrator during penetration or one of you using your fingers to stimulate it.

Why am I bored by sex, even though I love my partner?

Ironically, the couples that are the closest are the most likely to suffer loss of desire.

The qualities that love loves – reliability, affection, routine – lust hates.

Lust thrives on danger, eroticism, the unknown – things that make us feel uncomfortable.

It’s hard to maintain both and because we spend more time hanging out together than we do having sex, most couples opt for being in love over being in lust.

There are some couples who are having hot, rampant sex after a decade together, but it’s rare not common.

The trick (and you know what’s coming – even if you aren’t) is variety.

Do the same thing all the time, like most couples do, and of course you will be bored.

Remember the kind of sex you had at the start that you both loved?

Tracey says that the legendary G-spot is only erotic for some women

Tracey says that the legendary G-spot is only erotic for some women

Write down, in as much detail as possible, what you did.

Sex in a semi-public place? Quickies? A day spent in bed with lots of pre-planning on what you’d wear and do?

We put more effort into our sex lives than we think at the beginning: it’s not all hormones.

Each come up with 10 things you’d like to explore again and try one a fortnight.

If you’re lost for inspiration search ‘new things to try in bed’ – you could spend days reading all the suggestions.

Is there really a G-spot?

It’s certainly not the ‘magic button’ everyone thought it was going to be.

But on some women, there is an area around one to two inches along the front vaginal wall (the bit directly under your tummy) that can produce intensely erotic feelings.

The key word here is ‘some’.

Some women find G-spot stimulation highly uncomfortable or ‘just weird’.

Others say if you get past that feeling of desperately needing to pee, the resulting orgasms are like no other.

Theories on why it feels good if it’s stimulated enthusiastically (the area requires quite firm pressure) vary.

One is that stimulation of this area in turn stimulates the erectile tissue in the urethra (which can be pleasurable); other theories are that it indirectly simulates the crura (legs of the clitoris: picture the wishbone of a turkey).

The G-spot remains the Marmite of sex: some are bonkers about G-spot stimulation, others can’t bear it.

Am I gay if I have fantasies about being with a woman?

No. Most people fantasise about things they have zero desire to play out in real life.

Women are more likely to have same sex fantasies than men are, probably because it’s seen as more acceptable.

We’re also less likely to get hung up on homophobic fears that we’re gay.

The woman featured in our fantasies usually isn’t someone we know, but she always seem to know exactly what to do to turn us on because she’s got what we’ve got.

Many women are concerned that they will become addicted to their vibrator and so Tracey recommends mixing up your methods for orgasms  

Many women are concerned that they will become addicted to their vibrator and so Tracey recommends mixing up your methods for orgasms  

Some psychotherapists believe same sex fantasies are narcissistic: we’re imagining what it would be like to make love to ourselves.

I think they’re more about healthy sexual curiosity: it’s something we all wonder about and something men encourage, given their obsession with two girl, one guy threesomes.

Why does he prefer having solo sex watching porn than having sex with me?

Because porn sex is effortless sex.

He can turn on his computer and be treated to millions of different images, focusing on hundreds of different themes, to suit every taste and every mood.

There’s no judgement, no embarrassment if his erections aren’t as strong as they used to be, he’s never bored and it can be all over in four minutes – start to finish.

Having sex with you requires being nice in and out of bed, being sexually skilled and you wanting sex the same time as he does and the same type of sex.

Tell him, calmly, that you know he watches porn and say you want to know what appeals to him most about it.

Take your cue from there.

We have mismatched libidos. Are we doomed?

No you aren’t but you are in for a rocky ride.

Couples often don’t find out just how different their libidos are for about a year because new sex artificially inflates the lower sex drive person’s desire for sex.

It’s when all the sex hormones wear off and cuddle hormones like oxytocin move in that you find out one of you is up for it morning and night and the other would quite happily settle for once a month.

Fixing differing sex drives generally involves coming up with some sort of compromise over how often and how long you have sex.

Something that I’ve found works well with couples is both agreeing on a number of five or ten minute sex sessions per week.

It satisfies both: the high sex person gets sex more often, the low sex person doesn’t have to commit to long sessions.

Putting a time limit on it increases intensity.

Adding a vibrator into the mix also helps things enormously, if the low sex drive person is female.

What’s the best sex position in which to have an orgasm?

Did anyone in the world read that question and assume I was talking about a man?

Didn’t think so.

Any position where the woman is in control and there’s maximum contact between the vulva and his groin works well.

Think grinding rather than traditional thrusting: it’s woefully inadequate at stimulating the clitoris and only works on women whose clitoris is larger than usual, positioned close to the vaginal entrance and so gets inadvertently ‘pulled’ by the motion of thrusting.

Woman on top seems to work the best for several reasons: you can easily grind against his pelvis, angle him to hit the highly sensitive front vaginal wall and it’s easy to hold a vibrator on the clitoris.

Remember: women aren’t anatomically built to orgasm during intercourse.

Why the clitoris is outside rather than inside the vagina is anyone’s guess but it’s certainly not helpful!

I don’t like giving oral sex. Any advice?

It’s usually for one of three reasons: he’s a bit smelly, you gag or don’t like swallowing.

Solve the smell problem by having a shower together first or saying ‘I’m just off to wash my bits so I’m all fresh for you’ and hope he’ll take the hint.

Or bring a warm flannel and say ‘Let’s give him a little wash’, remembering to pull back the foreskin if he’s uncircumcised.

Change your position and technique so you have control.

Get him to stand in front of you while you sit on the bed facing him and always use one hand to control his penis so its up to you how deeply you take him into your mouth.

If he pushes your head down, tell him you’ll stop if he ever does it again.

If you don’t want to swallow, don’t!

Instead just continue stimulating him with your hand.

The whole ‘deep throat’ thing is more a psychological kick than physical: most feeling is in the head not the shaft of the penis.

Can I get addicted to my vibrator?

No – and yes.

Vibration is one of the most effective ways to stimulate the clitoris, so it’s no wonder we find it’s the easiest way to orgasm.

For lots of women though, it’s the only way they can orgasm – which causes problems because it’s not a technique your partner can replicate (though you can try a vibrating penis ring).

Thing is, the more different ways you can orgasm, the more orgasms you’ll have.

Our brains and our organs get very used to the well-trodden path so if you only have orgasms with your vibrator, your body will resist you trying other ways.

Why bother when your vibrator’s a sure thing?

Thankfully, tongues are also very effective at making women climax.

If you’re having a combination of vibrator and oral sex orgasms (or through manual stimulation or front vaginal wall stimulation), no need to worry.

But if all your orgasms are vibratory, you might want to ditch it for a while and train yourself to orgasm by another method.

Or turn your twosome into a threesome and bring the vibrator into bed with you.

How do I get my libido back after having a baby?

It’s not just women who experience loss of desire after a baby: lots of Dads do too.

Babies mean sleep deprivation and being emotionally and physically there for another little human being pretty much every moment they’re awake.

Not exactly the right head space for sex.

Loss of libido is very normal with lots of couples saying you don’t really get your sex life back for two years – and that’s if you’re lucky.

Help it return without putting pressure on yourselves by staying tactile and doing sensual rather than sexual things like having a bath together and giving each other massages (without anything expected in return).

Later, progress to low effort sex – one of you gives the other oral or hand pleasure, then reverse the next time.

Keep sessions short and low stress: even a good, long, sexy kiss can be enough to keep you erotically connected.

Most important, talk to each other about how you’re feeling and reassure each other that while sex is not important right now, it will be later on.

For more non-judgemental, practical advice about sex, visit and for her range of products.



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