The Deep podcast with Zoe Marshall: Australian mum spends $1,500 a week on heroin addiction

An Australian mum and successful businesswoman who has spent the past two decades hiding her heroin use from the world has answered tough questions about her ongoing addiction. 

Kelly*, a mum in her 50s, dabbled in drugs in her early 20s but it wasn’t until her mid-30s when a tough breakup and a desire to numb painful emotions triggered a ‘yearning’ for heroin once again. 

She succumbed to the craving and began what would be a 20-year-long ‘high functioning’ heroin addiction that sees her spend up to $1,500 every week on the drug while showing up for her family and her job. 

Kelly appeared anonymously on Zoe Marshall’s popular podcast, The Deep, to share her difficult situation after struggling with feelings of isolation and sadness for years. 

Kelly*, a mum in her 50s, dabbled in drugs in her early 20s but it wasn’t until her mid-30s when a tough breakup and a desire to numb painful emotions triggered a ‘yearning’ for heroin once again (stock image)

‘My situation makes me very isolated in that I can’t share this side of myself with anyone in my life – I want to show that drug users are people too,’ she said.

‘A lot of us do criminal activity but a lot of us don’t – we are parents, we’re mothers, we’re co-workers and we are good people like anybody else.

‘You can’t share this with people because they freak out. I’ve lost friends over the mere knowledge I am a user… I’ve lost family members.’

Zoe shared her own perspective on a ‘heroin addict’ stereotype, describing them as  ‘quite emaciated, desperate, unkempt and unwell’. When speaking to Kelly, however, she admitted she saw nothing but an ‘intelligent, considered, articulate woman’.

Kelly appeared anonymously on Zoe Marshall's (pictured) popular podcast, The Deep , to share her difficult situation after struggling with feelings of isolation and sadness for years

Kelly appeared anonymously on Zoe Marshall’s (pictured) popular podcast, The Deep , to share her difficult situation after struggling with feelings of isolation and sadness for years 

This, Kelly says, is because she manages her addiction using opioid prescription medication via pharmacotherapy – a program typically designed to help those addicted wean off drugs. 

The $5-a-day medication prevents severe withdrawals and as a result, removes the feeling of ‘extreme desperation’ should her supply run out. 

‘People don’t realise that there are a lot of people in my position but you don’t see them and they don’t talk about it,’ she said. 

I work very hard to make sure my kids don’t know – my biggest fear is that one day they will somehow find out.

Before Kelly’s relapse, she was in a good place and never saw herself returning to heroin after a brief two-year addiction from age 20 to 22.    

‘I was off it for a very long time. I was working, I was living life, I bought a house and I was really quite sure of myself and I was sure I’d never go back there,’ she said.

‘That said though I think there’s a part of my personality that is a ‘consumer’. Throughout that time I smoked a lot of pot and cigarettes so I think there’s a part of my being that was always feeling like it needed to do something.’

The only physical symptom of the dangerous drug, Kelly says, is ongoing constipation

The only physical symptom of the dangerous drug, Kelly says, is ongoing constipation

Her breakup was a trigger she never saw coming, 

She believes the unexpected trauma of the split saw her subconsciously desire the ‘crutch’ she’d used before – even though it had been more than a decade since she’d touched it. 

Kelly injects heroin four to five days a week as that’s what she can afford and believes nobody in her inner circle has any idea despite using it at home and occasionally at work. 

‘It’s a lot of money but I am lucky enough to be in a good job and earn a reasonable amount of money but I can facilitate it by going without a lot of other things,’ she admitted.

‘I don’t have holidays, I don’t buy a lot of things that others might buy, there’s a lot that doesn’t happen because that happens instead.’

The only physical symptom of the dangerous drug, she says, is ongoing constipation. 

‘I will always get it when the kids are out and I will usually have it while they are out but to be frank I’ve had it while they’ve been home before,’ she said. 

The danger of heroin: Why is it so addictive? 

Heroin is an illegal substance in the opioid class and made from the sap of the opium poppy. It is highly addictive and people who use it can become dependent and experience cravings. One of the adverse effects of using heroin is the risk of overdose. Longer-term use can cause significant health and lifestyle problems.

Dealers usually mix or ‘cut’ heroin with other substances  such as sugar, paracetamol or caffeine – to boost their profits. This means that the person using heroin has no idea if the dose will be strong or weak. 

Heroin is a central nervous system depressant. This means it slows down a person’s brain function and affects their breathing (which can slow down or even stop). The person’s body temperature and blood pressure drop, and their heartbeat can become irregular. The person may lose consciousness or lapse into a coma.

As with some other drugs, a person can build up a tolerance to heroin. After only a short time, the person using heroin will need to take larger doses to achieve the same effect. Soon their body will start to depend on heroin in order to function ‘normally’.

Using heroin on a regular basis can lead to major health and lifestyle problems.

Source: Victoria Health 

 

‘My drug use is a small part of my life but it necessitates these secrets and those secrets create a barrier whether people know or not.’

As she has a tolerance, the main benefit she receives from the drug is what she describes as ‘wholeness’. 

‘It’s like there’s something missing and you’ve replaced it,’ she said.

Kelly said it’s likely she would be in a different place today if those she felt closest to had reacted differently when she shared news of her relapse.  

 It’s a vicious cycle. One of the reasons I use is because I feel isolated and alone. And then I create that isolation by using it.

‘I honestly thought I’d be able to tell the people I knew and loved for many years. The reaction that that got when I told them – it was so severe and so full of fear and hatred and judgement and abandonment because they just disappeared,’ she said.

‘It’s a vicious cycle. One of the reasons I use is because I feel isolated and alone. And then I create that isolation by using. It could have been so different.’

Kelly admitted she feels extreme guilt over her addiction – especially when she thinks about what her kids have missed out on – and spends a lot of time feeling lonely and sad. 

‘I want to stop – my life would be a lot easier and I miss out on a lot. One part of me desperately wants to stop and be able to do the things I could do if I wasn’t spending that amount of money but the other part doesn’t want to,’ she said, suggesting she had a ‘psychological addiction’.

‘I don’t have a partner but I do have children and none of them know. I work very hard to make sure they don’t know – my biggest fear is that one day they will somehow find out.’

Kelly said she does have hope for the future and believes she will be able to stop. 

Zoe (pictured) uses her podcast to share the stories of those less represented in society

Zoe (pictured) uses her podcast to share the stories of those less represented in society

‘I haven’t accepted that this is what my life is going to be. I see my future as being different and making up for lost time and having the things that I haven’t had and enjoying life more. There is also a part of me that feels like every day this doesn’t happen it’s possibly getting closer to that not happening,’ she admitted.

‘I make sure that my children have the things they need and they do have holidays and go places and do all those things. They are not overseas trips and they aren’t at private schools but they certainly have what they need.

‘Do I feel guilty? I absolutely do because there are things they miss out on they’d get otherwise and that we’d do otherwise. I’d be in more of a position to take them to more places where we could make more memories.’

As someone described as determined by her oldest friends, Kelly said she will continue to go to counselling and programs until she finds the ‘thing that will click into place and change the trajectory’.  

Sadly, Kelly isn’t quite there yet and struggles with a deep sadness – something she admitted when Zoe asked her who she is ‘when nobody is watching’.   

‘My first response is sad,’ she said.

‘There is a certain amount of bravado we all put on for the world. I feel very isolated and all the things we have talked about; I feel guilty and I feel worried.

‘If I am being honest about when I don’t have to go to work and pretend that everything is perfect I am so sad.

‘I have faith that will change one day, or soon. I don’t think just because I couldn’t do it once doesn’t mean I can’t do it again.’

*Name changed 

If you or anyone you know struggles with drug addiction, call the National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline on 1800 250 015 for confidential advice or Lifeline on 13 11 14 for substance abuse support. 

You can find the full The Deep episode with Kelly here. 

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