The great British staycation… Whose idea was this? 

From patchy wifi to quirky museums, Stuart Heritage on the unique joys – and horrors – of holidaying close to home

A stop at the services is compulsory

It doesn’t matter if you ate before you left, made sure that everyone went to the bathroom or if you’re only travelling 20 miles. Your staycation won’t begin until you’ve eaten a disappointing Whopper in a miserable food court surrounded by grumpy families.

The kitchen will be bafflingly equipped

‘We can save money by cooking for ourselves!’ you’ll announce brightly on the way there. Then you’ll arrive at your holiday home and realise that your kitchen contains a milk pan, a blunt serrated knife, no bowls and a scattering of implements so colossally impractical that you’ll all have to eat your breakfast cereal together from the same jug – with forks.

You will have a meltdown over the wifi

You get there. The mobile coverage is almost zero. Oh God, you’re cut off from the world. What if there’s an emergency? What if something happens at work? How will you finish watching that thing on Netflix? There’s wifi, right? There has to be wifi. The booking website said it was provided. So where’s the password? No, really, this is urgent. How are you going to cope without wifi? You might die here. Your chest. You can’t breathe. FIND THE WIFI PASSWORD! What’s that? It’s ‘password123’? Thank goodness. Never leave us again, internet.

The locals will hate you

Your neighbours are regular people trying to get on with their everyday lives. But now you’re here, with your suitcases and your roof rack and millions of children, loudly proclaiming how gorgeously rustic everything is. They hate you and your excitement. They hate you because you made a fuss in the corner shop about the lack of cooking chorizo. They hate you because, as soon as you leave, you’ll be replaced by another brace of fresh-faced, big-city numpties. There’s nothing you can do about this. Just accept it.

Your highlight will be a trip to an obscure museum

Doesn’t matter what. A local history museum. A shipwreck museum. A pencil museum. A teapot museum. A marble museum. A lawnmower museum. A museum of dog collars. You will go – and you will force yourself to enjoy it.

There will be fewer arguments

Abroad, disagreements can flare up beyond all comprehension because you’re stuck with each other. Walking out would involve booking a flight, ordering a taxi, packing… a huge, expensive faff. But on a staycation, you can simply get in your car and drive home. There’s almost nothing stopping you from irreparably ruining your relationship… so you’re forced to remain civil. Congratulations, the staycation saved your marriage!

You will order a takeaway online

Your rental home will contain a painstakingly compiled, beautifully presented portfolio of local attractions, such as the wonderful market town ten miles west, the charming little restaurant that was once on Saturday Kitchen and the harbour where they sell fish straight from the boats. And yet, after 48 hours, you’ll shrug, stay in and order a deep-fried kebab from Just Eat, like you do at home.

You will Zoopla extensively

Sure, there’s only one shop and no train line, the houses are all too expensive and the wifi is slow, but you could move there. In fact, you should move there. You will make firm plans to talk to a mortgage adviser about it as soon as you get home. You’ll forget the whole idea after 24 hours, of course. But still, you could move there.

Artwork of New York will adorn your holiday home

I’ve encountered this in every Airbnb I’ve stayed at, from Folkestone to Milton Keynes (yes, I’ve staycationed in Milton Keynes, don’t judge me). Everywhere is stuffed with NYC art. Maybe a cityscape or a yellow taxi. Maybe Times Square. Probably all three. Their popularity is a mystery you will never solve, so don’t try.