Tracey Cox lists the scenarios when sexless marriages work

Can a relationship survive without sex?

Short answer: yes. A relationship can survive perfectly well without sex.

Hang on, I hear you say, survive is one thing but what about thrive?

Surprisingly, the answer is still yes.

Sex is good for you – massively beneficial – in lots of ways. But lots of couples thrive in no-sex or low-sex relationships.

Lots of couples go through periods without sex – both intentionally and unintentionally – and still enjoy a happy, healthy relationship, says Tracey Cox (stock image)

A lack of sex isn’t always a sign of trouble.

Lots of couples go through periods without sex – both intentionally and unintentionally – and still enjoy a happy, healthy relationship.

But there are two CRUCIAL boxes you must tick if this is going to work for you.

Sexless relationships ONLY work if BOTH of you are happy with sex being removed from your lives.

You must also still be actively intimate in other areas.

If affection, closeness, touching and kissing stop as well, you’re now friends not romantic partners.

SITUATIONS WHEN SEXLESS RELATIONSHIPS WORK

British relationships expert Tracey Cox shares her top tips on how to make a sexless relationship work for you

The concept that all people need sex and to be having it regularly is called ‘compulsory sexuality’.

It’s what people think – but that doesn’t make it true.

The societal view that sex is necessary to keep a relationship happy is unhelpful and counterproductive. Research shows couples who give into pressure and force themselves to have sex when they don’t want to, don’t enjoy it and feel even less motivated for a repeat performance.

Agreeing to not have sex and admitting you’re both happy with that, will do much more for your relationship than pretending to want something you don’t.

These are the sort of situations that make some couples decide sex is going to be – temporarily or permanently -put on hold, without necessarily harming their relationship.

Life isn’t giving you much opportunity to hook up

Your partner works a night shift, you work during the day. You don’t live in the same city. You’re travelling for an extended period. Your kids have moved back home.

All of these scenarios make sex difficult and can result in a temporary hiatus that’s perfectly normal and nothing to worry about.

HOW TO BE SEXLESS BUT HAPPY

If you’re going to take sex off the table, you need to be extra mindful of intimacy elsewhere in your relationship.

Don’t withdraw rather than have that difficult conversation. Some couples who want to stop having sex, do just that. There’s no kissing, no flirting or touching, no sexy lingerie or even sexy outfits. They avert their eyes when couples have sex on television and avoid any conversation that involves sex. You don’t want to have sex, so you avoid anything and everything that might lead to it. Not only does this kill any desire you might have been able to resurrect, it ruins your relationship. Take away touch and affection and you are effectively separating while living together.

Instead, you need to…

Acknowledge what’s happening. Some extremely close couples say ‘the chat’ doesn’t even have to be traumatic or long. ‘We looked at each other in bed one night and I said, ‘Do you mind that we don’t have sex anymore?’. He replied, ‘Not at all. So long as we cuddle, that’s fine with me’. And that was that.’

Double the affection. Once you both know that a touch isn’t a prelude to wanting sex, you can relax. Hold hands, cuddle, give each other kisses, and do it often.

Keep being playful. Not having sex doesn’t mean you can’t sleep naked, cuddled up. Have fun. Your sexual hotspots aren’t contaminated just because you don’t want to take it further. Slap him on the bottom. Love that he gives your bottom a squeeze or admires your cleavage. Give his penis a friendly yank now and then.

Keep the discussion going. Check in to make sure you’re both still happy with the situation. You might just find, having taken the pressure off, the idea of sex becomes quite appealing again.

Separate beds can work. It’s not a sexy concept but there are many reasons why couples sleep apart. A recent study found up to 200,000 Australian couples now sleep in separate beds because of their partner’s snoring, restlessness and blanket stealing. The ‘sleep divorce’ strengthened relationships rather than harmed them.

All your focus and energy are needed elsewhere

Certain things happen in life that rob us of the time and energy we’d reserve for sex. If you’ve got three kids under three, sex is a (very) low priority. Looking after elderly parents. Launching a business. Impressing a new boss.

If the life events are also making you feel stressed and anxious, you’re even less likely to be in the mood if the opportunity does arise.

Lots of couples agree sex isn’t important when you’re completely and utterly worn out and take the pressure off the relationship by acknowledging it.

One of you has health issues which interfere with sex

It might be a flexibility issue – your partner’s got a bad back or you’ve had a shoulder operation – general ill-health, depression or anxiety. Sex feels difficult or unappealing when these things happen.

Sexual dysfunctions like erection problems, painful sex and complications from menopause are common dissuaders. There are solutions and treatments for these issues but if your motivation for sex was never that high, you might both agree this is the time to stop.

You’ve both had your fill

You’ve done it thousands of times already and simply lost interest. Netflix changes its content constantly which is more than you can say about the average couple’s sex routine.

If neither of you are that interested in sex, desire is low and there isn’t a sexual experience you haven’t tried that you’d like to, sometimes it makes sense to call it a day.

You’ve found YOUR normal

Some couples are happy with sex so infrequent, their relationship is officially ‘sexless’ even though they still have it on the odd occasion. (Therapists define a sexless relationship as one where couples have sex less than 10 times a year.)

If you’ve been together for 40 years, one brilliant sex session while on holidays once a year might be enough to keep both of you happy. Love, playfulness, affection – these things also bring intimacy to relationships and are equally as important as sex.

Those of the sort of scenarios where stopping sex can make both happy rather than feel deprived.

The following are not.

NOT HAVING SEX ISN’T THE ANSWER IF…

Deciding to stop having sex in a committed relationship is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make.

If sex stops and neither of you acknowledge – or care – it means your relationship is in a bad state, or about to end.

Sexless relationships are only ever functional and happy with BOTH parties are happy to make the decision.

They certainly don’t work under these circumstances.

Your partner wants to have sex with you, but you don’t want to

Sex stops in relationships for all sorts of reasons.

Sometimes it’s a natural decline in your libido that makes you both not fancy sex anymore – and you’re both perfectly happy to wave it farewell.

Other times, one hangs up their skates and the other is still very much wanting to whiz around the ice rink.

THIS IS HOW TO FEELS TO NOT HAVE SEX ANYMORE

Here’s what people told me when I posed the question…

‘I would never tell my friends we don’t have sex anymore. People assume things. Is he gay? Is he secretly having an affair? Are you about to get a divorce? What about you’re just not that bothered about sex anymore?’

‘I’d rather have a partner who doesn’t have sex than one who can’t keep it in his pants and is unfaithful or watches porn for hours at a time.’

‘We used to have great sex at the start. We’d go to bed for hours at a time. Take a bottle of wine and make love for hours. Twenty years on, we’d rather do something else like watch a movie or go out to lunch. We still have sex but it’s rare and doesn’t last very long. Sex is like everything else in life. There’s a time when it’s important in your life and there’s a time when it’s not. We’re both perfectly happy with where we are now. Maybe later, we’ll rediscover it again.’

‘I’m sure there are hundreds of couples happily binging on Netflix and going to bed with a good book rather than swinging from the chandelier. We have lots of couple friends and we’re always joking about sex being the ghost of Christmas past.’

Mismatched libidos – when one of you wants sex much more than the other – plays hell with the best relationships. But if you want to see true chaos, try telling a partner who thoroughly enjoys sex that it will never be on offer again.

If your partner is still very much a fan and you’re in a monogamous relationship, it’s not fair to withdraw sex.

Being sexually satisfied is all part of the agreement couples make when they commit to monogamy.

If your idea of sexual satisfaction is to have no sex and your partner’s idea is to have lots of it, this is a problem.

If you want the relationship to survive, it’s time for an honest chat about why sex isn’t working and possibly a visit to a good sex therapist.

You do want sex – just not with your partner

All couples experience loss of desire for each other over time – it’s normal. Even if you love each other, even if you used to have excellent sex, desire for sex falls the longer you’re together and the older you get.

There’s lots you can do to combat this (and umpteen books, podcasts and blogs to help you: you’ll find details of mine on traceycox.com.)

If that doesn’t work, you might consider asking for permission to have sex outside of your relationship. Or go down the old-fashioned route of having an affair, with all the disastrous complications and catastrophe that usually results. Some are happy staying anyway, satisfying their desire solo with porn and masturbation; others take the first exit left and leave.

You’ve outgrown your partner

You got married young with the same aspirations but while they plod a predicable path, your career soared. Ten years on, you’re horribly mismatched in achievements, incomes, lifestyle – and your new ‘ideal partner’ is someone completely different than the one you’re with.

If this is you, you need a serious discussion about the future of your relationship rather than a ban on sex.

You don’t find your partner attractive – on any level

I often ask couples, ‘If you met your partner now, would you fancy them or want to date them?’. If the answer is an immediate and vehement, ‘God no!’, it’s obvious the marriage is limping toward the finish line and sex is the least of your problems.

You’ve replaced sex with affection from your kids

One reason why children rob us of desire is that we get a lot of needs met by a baby. Unconditional love, cuddles, company, amusement. Babies provide a lot of entertainment and satisfy a lot of emotional needs. If you weren’t that into your partner to begin with, he’s easily replaced. Fine for you, not so great for Dad, who may heartily disagree that a hug from little James is just as satisfying as sex with you.

Is your sex life in trouble? Listen to Tracey’s podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey wherever you listen to your podcasts. Or check out her blog and books at traceycox.com

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