Tracey Cox on why she didn’t find ‘the one’ until her 50s

She’s forged a successful career offering sage relationship advice to others, but at 50 Tracey Cox found herself single and longing to snuggle in front of a box set with someone she loved. 

After exchanging vows with Miles Bellerby at the weekend, Tracey reveals how she finally found her happy ending – and why it was such a long time coming.

Writing exclusively for Femail, the newlywed shares how the ‘profound’ impact of discovering her father’s infidelity left her plagued by trust issues, how she knew Miles was ‘the One’, and why it’s never too late to find love.  

Last Saturday, I got married to the love of my life, a man I met five years ago. I’m in my fifties and this is my second marriage.

I was asked if I would like to share my story. I don’t mind sharing bits of myself, but my personal relationship journey is intensely… well, personal.

But it is life affirming and there are things to be learned so, here it is.

‘How I found love at 50(odd)’ or for the more cynical, ‘Why it took me so long to find my ‘person’ despite being a sex and relationship expert’!

One of the most influential events in my life was discovering that my father had been having an affair for 10 years.

I was 15 when my father left to be with the other woman (it has a nice ending – they’re married and still together 40 years later) but this affected me profoundly.

I struggled with trust and jealousy issues for years afterward, sabotaging a lot of relationships because I was terrified of being hurt.

My brother called me a ‘cynical romantic’. He said I wanted the happy ending because our parents didn’t have one but I seriously doubted the fairytale was real.

By this stage, I was about to turn 50 – and I was worn out.

I’d always put my career before my relationships and now I felt it was time to do the opposite. I wanted to sit on the sofa and watch box sets with someone I loved, not go on dates with people I didn’t know.

And then I met Miles.

Tracey met Miles five years ago after one failed marriage and a string of unsuccessful relationships. Pictured: With Miles and sister Deb Murdoch

I’d been for a boozy, long lunch with my friend Sandra in Richmond when I saw him standing on his own, looking at the river, with a pint in his hand.

‘Is he really handsome or am I really drunk?’ I said to her.

We were sitting on stools in a beer garden, he was standing the other side of it, facing away, and there was a box of matches from Stringfellows strip club in between us on the ledge.

‘Hey’, I said, gesturing at the matches. ‘Are those yours?’

He turned around and grinned then looked at the matches and said, ‘No! They’re not mine, God no!’ and looked highly embarrassed.

My friend and I laughed and then we all started chatting.

Miles is entertaining and funny but he’s also shy – that first conversation wasn’t scintillating.

The sex expert says that her father’s affair had an everlasting effect on her approach to future relationships 

She readily admits that she was a ‘commitment-phobe’, claiming she had no problems committing but just struggled to say committed  

I was half cut, he was a bit awkward and talked about the property market and a lot about his daughter. And I mean a lot about his daughter.

Then he told me he was a hairdresser. Well, the owner of a hair salon actually.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I’d always imagined myself with some high-flying executive type. On the other hand, I live at the hairdressers. This could work out nicely! 

This was Super Saturday: the day Britain won so many gold medals. Mo Farah was about to run, so I remember we went upstairs to watch.

After a bit, my friend gave me a nudge to say, ‘Come on let’s go’.

So I told him we were leaving and waited for him to ask for my phone number. He didn’t. Just sat there going red in the face.

‘Would you like my phone number,’ I was forced to say.

‘Yes!’ he said, most enthusiastically, which made up for not asking for it.

Then he walked us back to my friend’s house, shook her hand, kissed me on the cheek and left.

He’d told me he was off to France to visit with his brother for two weeks but I expected a text that night. Nothing.

The next day I got one saying lovely to meet me and would I like to meet up when he was back from France.

I said yes. Then nothing. I was used to lots of attention, not this half-hearted affair!

I was a bit put out then I got a sweet text from him after a few days saying he was sitting in the sunshine and about to go and get a big baguette and thinking of me.

I was out with another friend, Claire, drinking (again) and we thought it was the funniest thing we’d ever read.

She was convinced the ‘big baguette’ was a joke and he was trying to be cheeky, so we concocted an equally cheeky response, sent it and waited for the banter to begin. Nothing.

‘Great,’ I said, ‘Now he thinks I’m desperate and up for it.’

Tracey says that her relationship with Miles works as ‘right from the word go there was respect’

Nothing for another week. Then I got a text saying he was back and did I want to meet for lunch in Richmond where he lived.

I live in Notting Hill. He lived in Richmond. Seriously?! I was supposed to go to meet him?!

By this stage, I was ready to tell him where to go with the half-hearted texts and not putting himself out at all to meet me.

But instead I suggested somewhere in the middle and made a joke about the whole thing and he was mortified and agreed.

On the day I met him for our first date, I was caught in traffic in a cab and turned up one hour late.

But we had fun right from the start. He looked gorgeous and we were laughing almost instantly.

We had a few drinks then started talking about past relationships and being single.

I asked him why he was. He was divorced and said he wasn’t really into relationships.

‘That’s interesting because I’d quite like a relationship. I’m ready to settle down – finally,’ I said.

He looked stricken.

‘Oh! Um. I just said that because I thought that’s what you were going to say. I would like one. Well, I would if you meant a relationship with you,’ he said.

I didn’t answer but we both smiled. From that moment on, this relationship felt totally different to any I’d had.

Tracey says that being single when you are older is not a disadvantage as you are much more confident as you age 

I tried to get up to all my old tricks – started to feel irritated and annoyed and started criticising him for no reason.

He put up with it for about a week then looked at me and said, ‘Listen, do you not want to go out with me? Because if you don’t, just say so.’

That quickly put me in my place: other guys either put up with it or got aggressive.

He tried to get up to his old tricks – shouting when we’d row – and I wouldn’t put up with it.

I told him that I hate shouting and don’t want that as part of our relationship. He stopped doing it (well, most of the time!) Right from word go, there was respect.

‘I never thought I’d see it but you’ve found another you,’ my mum said.

We’re hardly matching bookends but we are very similar in our likes and dislikes, tastes, moral code (more conservative than people guess but balanced with the right amount of naughty).

Both Tracey and Miles’ families have remarked that they have strengthened one another 

We’re polar opposites in others (attitudes to spending and money, cautious vs risk taking, procrastinator vs why not do tomorrow’s stuff as well as today’s today. No prizes for guessing who is who.)

But these somehow work to bring out the best in each other. I am nicer, kinder, calmer and more peaceful because of him.

His family say the same about Miles: he’s a better person after meeting me.

I love my new life: it’s all panned out perfectly. But that’s not to say I didn’t enjoy the old one. Miles wasn’t just the right person, the timing was right for both of us.

We’d both thoroughly enjoyed being single, we’d also had enough relationships: we were both happy with our own company but ready to share.

Our relationship isn’t faultless but it’s easy – and easy for everyone.

When everyone who loves you, loves your partner, that’s the sign you’ve found the right person.

Reading this back, it sounds like we’re one of those couples who never row. That’s not true.

In the beginning, we’d have a fight every Friday night and we still have arguments – big and small – like every other couple.

But it’s always sorted quickly and even in our darkest moments, I never feel like the relationship is in jeopardy.

Of all the relationships I’ve witnessed over the years and thought, ‘I’d like that’, they inevitably turn out to be couples who got together young and stayed together (but didn’t live in each other’s pockets) or those who found each other later in life.

When you’re older, you’re much more confident and less worried about what people think and this is great for relationships.

So if you’re still single, don’t feel you’ve missed the boat if you’re getting on a bit and still haven’t found someone who doesn’t annoy the hell out of you.

Your body might age, but your heart never will.

BECOMING A STEP-MUM TO MY HUSBAND’S DAUGHTER 

Tracey with step-daughter Sofia on her wedding day

There was something else different about this relationship: Miles had an 11-year-old daughter called Sofia.

I didn’t have children because I couldn’t: I had cervical cancer when I was 30 and was told conceiving would be almost impossible.

These days, it wouldn’t have been a problem. Back then it was.

I was the best person for this to happen to because I was ambitious and felt fulfilled by my career.

But part of me did sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a child, a daughter in particular.

Miles was hugely protective over Sofia. He’d been divorced for five years and hadn’t introduced her to any girlfriends.

We both wanted to wait until we were sure this was the real thing before involving her.

So it was three months or so before I found myself in a cab on the way to his place to meet his daughter. 

I have never been so nervous in my life! What happens if she doesn’t like me? What if she hates me?

I’d come bearing gifts of nail polish and makeup and all sorts but who knew what would happen?

The cab pulled up and I could see her looking out the window and jumping up and down with excitement. I adored her from that moment.

Sofia didn’t need another mother: she has a great Mum. Our relationship is more big sister than mother-daughter.

But she is the daughter I’d love to have had: she’s bright, she’s funny, she’s kind, she’s beautiful but not conceited, she’s easy to live with and get on with and she’s so supportive of Miles and I.

She’s now 16 and I love her as much as I love her Dad.

My life is very different now. Before, the only thing in my fridge was alcohol. I’d eat out virtually all the time.

Now, there’s school lunch stuff, healthy (and unhealthy) snacks and enough to feed three (or four of us if her boyfriend is around).

My spare room had black and white photographs of half naked men (artistic, I swear!); now it’s pink and has a dressing table overflowing with makeup.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our moments – a party in my apartment for 50 12-year-olds springs to mind! (What was I thinking?)