Tracey Cox reveals 20 questions every couple should ask each other about sex

Every sex problem can be solved if you’re able to talk honestly about sex with your partner. The smallest problem can ruin your sex life if you don’t.

Research proves this simple fact, time and time again.

If you’ve no idea how to talk openly, this list will act as inspiration.

You’ll find fact-finding questions. Titillating ones to get you both pleasantly aroused. And questions designed to unearth any underlying issues that might be affecting how you enjoy sex now.

Choose your question depending on where you’re at in your relationship and your comfort levels, then ask away!

Every sex problem can be solved if you’re able to talk honestly about sex with your partner says se expeet Tracey Cox (stock image)

What was your first sexual experience like?

There is a school of thought that says how and who you lose your virginity with, will affect your sex life forever. If it’s a positive experience, you’re more likely to view sex as something that’s healthy and enjoyable. The reverse happens if it goes badly and you felt hurt or used.

If your partner struggles with trust issues and isn’t sure why, this could give clues.

What was your parents’ view of sex?

Did they grow up with strict, religious parents who never spoke of sex or gave the impression sex was dirty or ‘bad’? Negative messages about sex can linger, hindering future enjoyment.

Have you had any disturbing sexual experiences?

Unless your partner volunteers this info, I’d wait until there’s a good level of trust established before going there. Traumatic sexual experiences strongly impact our ability to relax and allow ourselves to be vulnerable during sex.

How important is sex to you?

Everyone’s desire for sex is artificially inflated at the start of a relationship. This question should reveal what their usual ‘resting’ libido is: how often they feel like sex once the relationship is established.

How often do you like to have sex?

Don’t assume that someone who says sex is very important to them wants it daily. They might prefer a longer, explorative weekly session than short, rushed encounters.

Others want sex regularly and feel frustrated if it doesn’t happen at least five times a week. Knowing where you both stand early can be a big heads up on whether you’ll work well together or not.

British sex expert Tracey Cox reveals questions couples should ask each other about sex

What’s film or TV show puts you in the mood?

A seemingly innocent question that offers important insights into the style of sex they prefer.

It’s they name a light romantic comedy, closeness and intimacy are strong motivators. Lady Chatterley’s Lover hints they’ll like a touch of the forbidden; a raunchy, kink classic like The Secretary suggests an adventurous lover.

QUESTIONS THAT ARE POINTLESS TO ASK

So don’t even bother.

How many lovers have you had?

Most people lie and say 10 – and whatever you say will be not enough or too many. It’s also none of your or their business. What happened before you met each other is irrelevant, it’s what happens from now on that counts. Significant exes and experiences will emerge over time; the rest don’t matter.

Do you have any STI’s?

Is there anyone in the world, who will answer, ‘Yes! Actually, I’d riddled with them’, when sex is on offer?

THE QUESTION MOST LIKELY TO OFFEND

What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?

It sounds entirely harmless – and it is if you’ve never had sex together. But once you have, most of us narcissistically assume our partner will say something they did with us. I remember being mortally offended when a then boyfriend answered with an enthusiastic description of a passionate encounter with an Italian waitress.

Make the question safe by adding ‘with me’ on the end.

What’s your view on porn?

Nothing divides a room more than people’s attitudes to porn. Some think it’s cheating to watch it and that all porn degrades women, others see it as a harmless masturbatory aid. Finding out where your partner stands – and deciding early on whether it’s a deal breaker for you – is a wise move.

When is your favourite time of the day to have sex?

Knowing if they’re a morning, afternoon or night person sounds trivial but it’s a crucial ingredient for an easy sex life. Many couples who think their sex drives are hopelessly incompatible, find out their issue isn’t differing desire levels after all. They were just initiating sex at the wrong times.

What’s your favourite part of sex?

Do they love to linger on foreplay or keen to get the main event of intercourse? How do they feel about kissing? Hand stimulation? Oral sex?

A discussion that leads you nicely into the next question…

What’s the most reliable method to make you orgasm?

Most of us feel a lot more comfortable saying, “That’s the reason I love oral sex – it’s the easiest way for me to have an orgasm with a partner” than blurting out, ‘I can’t orgasm during intercourse’.

It’s how couples learn their magic formula to prevent an orgasm gap. If she wants to climax during oral sex and he prefers intercourse, adopt the ‘she comes first’ rule.

What’s your favourite sex toy?

Her opportunity to talk about how vibrators are her most reliable way of climaxing – and to ask him how he feels about having one in the bed with him.

He then feels it’s OK to admit enjoying anal play, having discovered a great prostate massager.

These discussions are all about normalising things for each other: the less embarrassed you are to admit to what you really enjoy, the more you’ll get from them.

MAKE IT FUN – AND MAKE SURE IT DOESN’T BACKFIRE

Asking each other questions about sex can be tricky. I’d strongly suggest you both agree to the following before asking anything.

Make a pact not to judge each other, no matter what you say. If you feel really shocked by something, say so. But keep it nice and be sensitive. “That really surprises me! Tell me when you first got interested in that?” rather than, “Are you serious? That’s weird/perverted/disgusting’.

Make it clear nothing is off limits – unless it is. If you honestly don’t want to know that your partner’s favourite porn category is granny porn, say you want to pass on that question.

Talk while you’re in the car or going for a walk, if either of you get embarrassed talking about sex. There’s less eye contact which makes if feel less intimidating.

Start off with fun questions and work up to the heavier type.

Go first. If your partner is nervous, pose the question and then go ahead and answer it yourself first.

The longer you’ve been together, the riskier you can be. But asking sex questions early – before you’ve even started having sex – can cement a good habit (and stop you embarking on a relationship with someone you’re obviously incompatible with.

How many to ask at one time?

It depends on your comfort levels. If one of you finds it stressful, one question might be enough. If you’re both having a great time answering the questions, keep going for as long as you like!

What gets you in the mood for sex?

Watching or reading something erotic? After a long, intimate conversation with your partner? Post workout when you feel attractive and physically alert? This offers vital clues on when to initiate sex as well as what your partner needs in order to feel aroused.

How would you like me to initiate sex with you?

If you only ask one question, make it this one.

It will provide the most useful information of all.

Research shows lots of people say no to sex, even if they are in the mood, if their partner initiates it in a way that does nothing to arouse them.

Rolling over and grabbing straight for the goodies works for some (usually men), others (usually women) require more of a warm up. Lots of kissing and a decent amount of time spent on foreplay.

What turns you on the most?

It’s a great way to bestow some (always welcome) sexual compliments and an opening to ask for something new you haven’t tried together.

A word of warning before you do this.

Saying, ‘John used to do this amazing thing with his fingers that would drive me wild. Can I teach you how to do it?’, will not get the desired response.

This will: ‘I was listening to a sex podcast and they were talking about hand-job techniques. I’d love to try one of them. Are you up for that?’.

This is also the time to ask each other about any quirks or kinks.

What turns you off the most?

Rather than launch into a long list of what your partner does wrong during sex, start by talking about any sex acts or things that are off limits for you.

‘I’m not interested in anal sex’ or ‘I can’t really see myself at a sex club’.

Ask if there’s anything you do to them sexually that they’d prefer you didn’t, or an adjustment to technique. Both remember to be kind, sensitive and tactful.

Do you prefer giving or receiving pleasure?

Most of us, handily, like a mix of both. But if you’re both givers or both takers, this is when you work out what the compromise might be.

What are three things you really like about our sex life?

‘I love seeing how much you desire me.’ ‘I love that nothing is off limits with us’. Don’t just limit to three if you’re on a roll. The more specific the compliment, the more it means.

QUICK FIRE QUICKIES

Want more? Make it a game and give each other only 10 seconds to think of an answer to these. Off-the-cuff responses are often more truthful.

What should I wear to turn you on?

What do you think is your sexiest feature?

Lights on or off?

Have you ever been cheated on?

If you could do anything you like to me, what would you do?

Do you like talking dirty?

How do you feel about receiving and sending nude photos?

Do you enjoy anal play or anal sex?

Are you interested in tantric/spiritual sex?

If we had to add two new positions to our repertoire for intercourse, what would they be?

If you had to choose three of our best sex sessions, what would they be?

How do you feel about scheduling sex?

What would you like to change?

Here’s the chance to say, ‘Now you mention it, I’d love it if you’d initiate sex early in the evening rather than late at night’. Or, ‘Can we make a list of some new things to try. I worry we’re getting into a bit of a rut.’

What do you fantasise about?

Some people love sharing fantasies and will happily launch into a detailed account. Others are fiercely private – understandable when most of us fantasise about dodgy, murky stuff. Don’t force this one – and do make it clear if you aren’t sharing with the hope your partner will decide to indulge you.

What’s still on your sex bucket list that you haven’t done?

Sex in a public place? A threesome? In the loo on a long-haul flight?

Now’s your chance!

Listen to Tracey’s weekly podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, at sextokpod.com or wherever you listen to podcasts. Her two product ranges are available at lovehoney.

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