Tracey Cox reveals 30 ways for women to initiate sex: the thing ALL men want women to do more of!

‘She’s never the one doing the asking’ has remained one of his biggest complaints in the whole thirty (or so) years I’ve been writing about sex.

It’s unfair to always leave it up to your partner to suggest sex – yet only one quarter of women say they initiate sex on a regular basis.

Having to be the initiator is a burden men carry since they were at school behind the bike sheds, trying to persuade Susie to let them go to first base. And it doesn’t let up.

If you’re a woman, NOTHING will make more difference to your sex life than you initiating sex more often.

And it’s not just him that benefits from it.

Being ‘the sexy one’ makes you feel sexier

Turning the tables to be the one who suggests sex rather than rejects it, resets the dynamics dramatically.

Tracey Cox advises that initiating sex could be the key to a healthy love life, saying your partner likely misses being hit on

Being the one to want sex, the one asking for it, instantly makes you feel sexier, more powerful, in charge.

Your partner, used to being knocked back, is both surprised and (hopefully) thrilled. Their ego gets a much-needed boost: maybe you fancy them after all? Maybe you like having sex with them! Maybe, just maybe, you want them as much as they want you…

It’s win-win for both.

The good news is, initiating is something that can be learned – and the more you do it, the less anxious you’ll be about it.

All you need to do is stick to a few basic principles.

Four things you need to know

First up…

Think about why you don’t initiate. Is it because you don’t enjoy sex? Is it because you never get the chance to build up sexual hunger (see ‘I never get the chance to initiate’)?

Do you need an honest chat to sort out long-standing sex problems or is it just laziness and a bad habit you’ve got into?

Make sure the move isn’t so subtle, they miss it. If your partner isn’t used to you initiating, they aren’t looking for cues that you want might sex. What seems abundantly clear to you, may be misinterpreted by them.

The usual reaction when this happens is indignance. Well, I’ve finally done it and where did that get me? I’m not doing that again!

Tracey suggests secretly wearing sexy lingerie and letting your partner see you when getting ready for bed – then putting on a pair of heels

If you have tried and didn’t get noticed, try some of the more obvious ways to suggest sex.

HOW HOT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Answer ‘true’ or ‘false’ to the following questions – and be honest rather than hopeful!

· Does one of you always initiate sex and the other feel pressured?

· Do you rarely or never have sexy thoughts or fantasies about your partner?

· Is touch and physical affection lacking outside the bedroom as well as in it?

· Do you rarely look forward to having sex?

· Do you feel little connection during sex?

· Is sex something you do more out of obligation than want?

· Does sex feel very routine, like you’re both just going through the motions?

· Do you avoid sex as much as possible?

· Are you having sex less than once a month?

Answer ‘true’ to more than five and it’s likely you’re struggling with low sexual desire. Instigating sex more often is an effective way to boost your sex drive.

Some couples settle on an agreed private code that says, ‘Sex tonight?’ for this reason. Do something cute with the toothbrushes before they come in to clean their teeth, like make the shape of ‘Y’ for yes.

I strongly suggest you tell your partner you want to initiate more, so they know to look out for an Invitation.

Try initiating at different times of the day. Most of us are more up for sex at certain times. If you’re a morning person and go to sleep early, getting woken up at midnight with a hopeful fumble isn’t going to be welcome.

Try it at 7am and you might get lucky.

Ditto different techniques. Some people love a direct approach, others take longer to become aroused and prefer to a slow build up.

If you’re nervous, don’t do it face-to-face.

Start by sending sexy texts or photos or leave a note instead of making in-person moves. (Plenty of suggestions below.)

Right, you’re ready to take action!

Here’s a variety of ways to initiate sex, ranging from simple and quite demure, right through to assertive and daring.

Start small and work your way up to outrageous!

30 ways to initiate sex – from going commando to tempting him at the traffic lights

Whisper into his ear that you want him. That’s all you need to say, three words. I guarantee it’ll do the trick!
Send a photo: A full-frontal nude or a close up of his favourite part of your body. Class it up by taking it in black and white or putting an arty filter on it.
Tease with a text: Text one sentence describing what you plan to do to him later. One hour later, text another – and continue until you meet at home. Instruct him that he’s not to say a word: all he must do is lie back and enjoy some no effort sex.
Dress for sex: Is there something he loves you wearing that you’re not so keen on? Now’s the time to get out that too too-tight, too-short dress (even if it’s just to wear around the house).
(Secretly) wear sexy lingerie: It’s one of the most obvious ‘I’m up for it’ signals of all. Take off your clothes to get ready for bed, let him see what you’ve got on underneath – then put on a pair of heels.
Ask for a massage: It’s another obvious mating call: everyone knows a massage is just an excuse for sex!
Stroke his upper thigh as you’re snuggled on the sofa.
Turn the telly off, sit in his lap, start kissing him passionately.
Better still… Turn on some porn and watch with him.
Go down on him. Wait until he’s on his way out somewhere and can’t be late, then casually unzip him, take him into your mouth for two minutes, then stop. He won’t need reminding what’s on the menu for later.
Make a list of things you want to try and leave it on his pillow.
Drop your clothes on the bathroom floor, turn on the shower and say, ‘Coming in with me?’.
Score more points if you run a bubble bath and text him to meet you in the bathroom where you’re arranged seductively.
Let him discover you masturbating. Leave the door open, let out a few moans and groans and pretend to be surprised when he walks in on you.
Read a sexy book in bed and let him see you reading it. Read out the good bits.
Buy a sex toy as a present for the two of you and give it to him when you’ve got a spare hour or two.
Schedule a sex session. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a big fan of scheduled sex. The kneejerk reaction is that it takes away ‘spontaneity’. But if you’re a busy couple or shy about initiating, it’s a great idea to say, ‘Why don’t we have sex on Sunday afternoon?’. Anticipation can be extremely arousing.
Take advantage in the morning. Tell him it would be a shame to waste that morning erection.
Talk about some steamy sex you had in the past. Reliving great sex makes you want an instant repeat.
Get out of the shower and dry yourself seductively.
Sleep naked – especially if you don’t usually. Another can’t-possibly-miss-it sex initiator.
Spoon him in bed and press against his bottom. If you’re facing each other, grind your hips against his.
Give him a long sexy kiss. The longer and more tongue involved, the clearer the signal. Bite his bottom lip for good measure.
Grab his hand and put it where you want it. On your breasts, between your legs. Grab his penis. Nothing like the direct approach!
Ask outright: “I feel like sex. How about it?”
Don’t wear knickers, take his hand and put it between your legs.
Feel him up in public. Choose a restaurant that has long tablecloths, unzip him and give him a discreet but delicious mini-hand-job (minus the happy ending, obviously.)
Secretly do a voice recording of a sex session on your phone. Edit so it’s a minute or so of the most dramatic moans and groans and send it to him.
Tempt him at the traffic lights. (Discreetly) pull your skirt up, take his hand and put it between your legs or inside your top to run his hands over your breasts and nipples.
Wrap yourself as a present. You can buy coloured non-stick bondage tape online. It can be wrapped and fashioned into quite a cool boob tube and matching mini. He can unwrap you, layer by layer.

I NEVER GET THE CHANCE TO INITIATE!

If you’re constantly being hassled for sex, you don’t get the chance to miss it.

It’s called ‘the seesaw phenomenon’: the more one person does, the less the other does. The more often they initiate sex, the less often you will.

Never getting the chance to be the one to say ‘How about it?’ can feel demeaning. If your libido’s lower than theirs, you already feel you’re letting the side down.

Here’s how to fix it

Start by telling your partner you miss not being the one to initiate sex. Simply saying you’d like to be given the chance to, will score enormous points. As much as you’re sick of being asked, he’s sick of asking!

Make a pact that he stops making any sexual overtures for two weeks (or longer) to give you the chance to approach him. Wait for a bit, then – around day nine or 10 – pounce! Even if your first approach is a bit forced – you’re not exactly dying for it, but it might be OK – pretend.

Pack the kids off to your Mums and once they leave, grab him, push him against the front door and snog his pants off. His response? “She really wants me. My god, she likes having sex with me after all’.

Seeing his arousal is often enough to spark your own: lots of women work with ‘responsive desire’ rather than spontaneous. They don’t start out wanting sex but, once they get going, become highly aroused.

Want to try something new? Check out Tracey’s two product ranges at traceycox.com. You’ll hear practical advice on how to be more confident sexually on her weekly podcast, SexTok.

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