Are you great in bed? Or the worst lover your partner’s ever had?
Do we ever really know the answer? Even if you work up the courage to ask the question, our partners might lie to avoid hurting our feelings.
Happily, the truth is there are plenty of giveaways that speak volumes about what sort of lover you are.
Some you can’t help (your childhood and sex drive), some you can (being selfish and ungenerous) and others you might need to work on (you’re sexually anxious and unconfident).
Scroll through these 15 signs – and hope you don’t answer ‘yes’ to too many of them!
Tracey Cox reveals that your childhood and sex drive both come into play when in comes to how you perform in bed (stock image)
You don’t masturbate
There is a direct correlation between how often people masturbate, how many orgasms they have and how much they enjoy sex.
Knowing how to give yourself pleasure means you understand how your sexual response system works and know what techniques work best for you.
Having regular orgasms – topping up those with your partner with DIY sessions – also helps keep your libido strong and stable.
You aren’t very experienced
Practice makes perfect – but it’s not the amount of lovers you’ve had that counts. People who’ve only ever had one-night-stands, have only experienced one type of sex.
Ideally, you’d also have sex within a loving relationship to learn how to communicate and negotiate your wants and needs. You can also educate yourself about sex through reading or online research.
Your sex drive is low or non-existent
Blame mum and dad if this is you: there’s a strong genetic link to what governs our ‘resting’ sex drive.
Everyone’s desire for sex is boosted at the start of relationships. It’s when the relationship moves past the frenetic, fresh-flesh-fuelled beginning that our true desire level reveals itself. If you’re not that interested in sex, it’s unlikely you’ll bring the curiosity and eagerness that great lovers exude.
Tracey Cox (pictured) said it’s better to suffer through some embarrassing moments than be utterly predictable and boring in bed
You’re too orgasm focused
If you judge the success of a sex session by how many orgasms each of you had, you’re completely missing the point.
You’ve heard it before but here’s a reminder: sex is about the journey not destination orgasm.
A thoughtful, erotic lover will try to help you stay in the just-about-to zone for as long as possible rather than race to the finish line. An orgasm lasts mere seconds or minutes, after all.
You skip foreplay
To have great sex you both need to be warmed up – physically and mentally. Sure, sometimes you’re both so aroused, you can go straight into intercourse and it’s fabulous. But most of the time – and especially for women – foreplay isn’t a suggestion, it’s required for our bodies to prepare for sex. The vagina needs to lubricate and expand for sex to feel comfortable and foreplay is what gets us there.
It’s not just women who enjoy it, either: research shows the longer spent on foreplay, the more men enjoy sex and the more intense their orgasms, too.
You struggle with body image issues
If you can’t relax during sex, you’re unlikely to be a good sex partner. If you don’t feel comfortable getting naked, how on earth can you enjoy having sex?
Body image issues spoil sex for both of you. Feeling self-conscious and ashamed of your body means you won’t relish a lover’s touch; not being able to lick, suck and stroke your partner makes for pretty boring sex the other end as well.
You don’t reciprocate oral sex
It’s one thing saying you don’t enjoy giving or receiving oral sex to a partner (unusual and why would you rob yourself of one of life’s greatest pleasures, but hey). Quite another expecting your partner to give you oral sex and refusing to do it back.
Giving oral sex without being asked, enthusiastically and because you love giving pleasure, is a hallmark of a great lover. There is nothing sexier.
You grew up in a household where was sex was seen as ‘bad’
If your parents were deeply religious or conservative, sex was probably rarely discussed. If it was, you got the message loud and clear that it was something shameful.
It’s easy to internalize early negative sexual messages without realizing we’re doing so. If you have high anxiety about sex and feel bad about yourself afterward, chances are this is what’s happened.
You’re scared to try new things
If you suffer from performance anxiety, chances are you aren’t trying anything new in bed for fear of making a fool of yourself.
Guess what? It’s better to suffer through some embarrassing moments than be utterly predictable and boring in bed.
If you’re not having any bedroom disasters, you’re not taking risks and officially stuck in a rut.
You don’t ask for what you want (and don’t really know)
Expecting your partner to mind read what you’d like them to do to you is immature and unrealistic.
Sex isn’t something you’re born knowing: you learn sex skills through experience and communicating with your partner about what works and what doesn’t.
If you don’t know what makes you orgasm, how is your partner supposed to? If you know but don’t tell them, what’s the point?
Sex isn’t supposed to be a quiz where they’re trying to second guess your desires.
You don’t ask your partner what they like
Even worse than not letting a lover know what you like, is not bothering to ask what they do. We all have our idiosyncrasies: assuming one technique works for all is a common but disastrous sex mistake.
Don’t be scared to ask if you’re doing something ‘right’. You can tell a lot from moans and groans and if your partner moves toward your touch or away from it. But the best and most effective way to find out what your partner truly wants is to…ask them.
You get offended if your partner gives feedback
Rudely ordering your partner about isn’t on but if you’re getting huffy when a partner tentatively suggests you move a little to the left, go harder or softer, you aren’t going to win any Greatest Lover awards.
One of the signs of a truly exemplary lover is being able to take direction without feeling criticized.
Your partners are withdrawn after sex
If your partner goes quiet after sex and shuts down, it’s highly likely something went wrong during it. Most couples are cuddly and silly after good sex: you should feel closer and more bonded not distant and unsatisfied.
You want ‘That was fantastic!’ and a huge kiss, not a partner who is silent and broody.
Your partners want sex less and less
The quantity of sex you have falls the longer you are together. Think about how quickly that happens in most of your relationships and you’ll get a clue of just how enjoyable sex with you is.
The better the sex, the longer it will stay as a regular feature of your relationship. If they’re making excuses just three months in, we have a problem, Houston.
Ditto if…
You’ve never had an ex want to be ‘friends with benefits’
If you’ve got a fair number of lovers under your belt and not one of them has ever made a drunk booty call or suggested you continue to have sex while you’re between partners, it’s probably not a great sign.
Unusual for not even one ex to ask ‘How about it?’. Either the sex wasn’t great or your break ups are so dramatic and draining, you simply never stay friends.
You’ll find some exciting new additions to Tracey’s product ranges supersex and Edge on traceycox.com. Her new weekly podcast, SexTok comes out on Tuesdays.