A transgender woman has revealed what it is really like to undergo gender confirmation surgery, bravely recounting her own procedure in incredible detail in a bid to help other trans girls looking to get the operation gather crucial information.
Emily Kaufman, 22, underwent gender confirmation surgery at the age of 19 in Montreal, Canada. The University of Michigan student paid for the $15,000 procedure, which wasn’t covered by her insurance, forcing her to borrow money from her family and work at her school’s dining hall in order to cover the cost.
But the fight for her surgery was, she now says, entirely worthwhile. ‘I am so fortunate and so privileged to be able to have my vagina, and to have that comfort in my body,’ Emily wrote in an essay about her experiences for Cosmopolitan.
Opening up: Emily Kaufman, 22, is a transgender woman and a student at the University of Michigan. She has written a candid essay detailing her gender confirmation surgery
Message: The student (pictured with transgender actress Laverne Cox) wanted to share details of her procedure so that other trans girls would be able to access important information
Happy: ‘I am so fortunate and so privileged to be able to have my vagina, and to have that comfort in my body,’ Emily wrote in her honest essay
‘One of my close friends doesn’t make enough to afford the surgery. She’s going to be saving up for years. I remember how much pain it was for me to live with a penis every day.
‘For me, it was only three years or so that I really was in anguish, wanting and waiting for the surgery. For some people, it’s 30 years. It’s very depressing.’
The student, who was 14 when she came out as transgender to her parents, made headlines in 2016 when she shared her fight to join a sorority, and before that had been incredible open about her struggle to conform to masculine standards in high school in an attempt to deny her gender identity.
‘During Sophomore year my feelings bubbled to the surface and I began buying female clothing and make-up,’ she shared with the New York Times in 2015.
‘By senior year, even though I was outwardly perceived very masculine and lifted weights with my lacrosse team multiple times per week, I had an internal struggle and even before the season started I came out to myself as a woman.’
While some transgender people don’t want to put themselves through the ‘grueling process’ of gender confirmation surgery, for Emily, it was a way to feel more like herself, the student wrote in her Cosmo essay.
She considers herself lucky to have been able to afford the pricey operation and to have received the support of her parents, including her mother, who traveled with her to Canada for the surgery.
Procedure: Emily was 19 when she decided to get gender confirmation surgery, consulting a surgeon in Montreal, Canada
Moment: Before going into surgery in October 2016, Emily shared a photo of herself in her hospital gown, writing in the caption that she would go into the OR in about an hour
Before and after: The student previously shared these two photos of herself to chronicle her transition, indicating that they were taken one year apart from each other
Emily, who is originally from Bear, Delaware, wanted to dispel any confusion as to what gender confirmation reassignment actually entails for transgender women, and described how doctors re-purpose tissue from the penis to create a vagina and a clitoris.
‘There are a lot of misconceptions about what the surgery really entails, too. Some people think it’s chopping your d**k off and that’s it,’ she wrote.
‘What they actually do is make an incision around the tip [of the penis], take out the erectile tissue and then, basically, flip it inside out, and then the head [of the penis] becomes the clit.’
During the procedure, the surgeon also removes the testicles, meaning that transgender people do not need to take testosterone blockers afterwards. For Emily, having one less pill to take as part of her hormonal therapy was a welcome step.
The student also explained that surgeons are able to make sure that their patients will be able to experience sexual pleasure after the procedure.
‘People also think that, after surgery, trans woman have this robo-pussy — that it’s just a hole, and you don’t have any feeling,’ she wrote. ‘But my vagina looks very much like a cisgender girl’s vagina and I orgasm so hard, it’s amazing.
‘Some of my friends didn’t believe me that I get wet; I get soaked when I come. It comes down to the quality of the surgeon: 15 years ago, yeah, women who got the surgery might have had dry vaginas. Not anymore.’
Before going into surgery in October 2016, Emily shared a photo of herself in her hospital gown, writing in the caption: ‘About to have my surgery in an hour or so.
‘Final post while I am a penis owner, but I am in the process of exchanging my penis for a new make and model, a 2016 vagina.’
Clarifying: Emily, who is originally from Bear, Delaware, wanted to dispel any confusion as to what gender confirmation reassignment actually entails for transgender women
Process: The student also detailed the aftermath of the procedure, from the pain she experienced shortly after to becoming accustomed to her new body
While she tried to focus on the positive aspects of the experience ahead of the procedure, Emily acknowledged that she ended up feeling so ill the day before the operation that she couldn’t go outside.
She’d had to stop taking her hormones for three weeks ahead of the procedure, in order to minimize the risk of blood clots forming. This caused her facial hair to start growing back, which she said ‘kind of sucked’.
Still, she went into the surgery with ‘butterflies’, and when she first woke up, didn’t feel significant pain because the anesthesia was still active.
However, the student said she experienced ‘the most unbelievable, excruciating pain of [her] life a few hours later and over the next couple of days, during which even painkillers failed to alleviate her suffering.
‘It was like someone took a sledgehammer and shoved it between my legs,’ she wrote about waking up after the procedure. ‘It’s like you’re having sex with a knife. It was horrible. There was this stent in me, almost like a giant dildo thing, to keep [my vagina] open for three or four days.’
After the operation, Emily had to spend time ‘dilating’, which she described as ‘sticking these hard, plastic dildo-type things in your vagina’ in order to make sure tissues don’t close up.
‘There are three dilators: a small blue one, a medium green one, and then the big orange one. We—the other girls and I—called the big one Thor,’ she added.
‘To be honest, I’m never going to see a d**k as big as Thor. It’s not happening! You start out with the two small ones, lube it up and stick it in. There are five little white dots on the dilator, and you have to try to make it so that you can get the fifth dot in.
‘You want to have as much depth as possible.’
A month after the surgery, Emily said she started to ‘love’ her vagina, and the pain finally began to subside. She has become accustomed to her new body and doesn’t think or worry about it as much as she used to.
Conversation: While she is comfortable discussing her surgery and transition, Emily pointed out that many transgender people do not feel like being as open as her
Transformation: Emily previously shared this before and after to document her first year of taking testosterone blockers
Inspirational: The student credited the writer and TV host Janet Mock for helping her get through her own transition by discussing surgery openly
‘Now, almost a year and a half later, my vagina looks like every other person’s vagina, but with two faint scars on either side where the incisions were that are still healing,’ she added.
‘You can’t really tell it’s any different from a cisgender person’s vagina. When I don’t shave, you couldn’t tell at all. I’ve shown a few of my trans girlfriends, and a few of my cis girlfriends, either pictures or in person, for science, and they’ve all been pretty shook.’
Having had the surgery has made her more confident when it comes to wearing tight clothing, such as leggings or bathing suits, which she said has been ‘nice’. The student also feels safer and less likely to be attacked for being transgender, and her vagina has become her favorite part of her body.
So many famous trans women don’t talk about it, because they say it’s private. But what about all the trans girls that want the surgery?
She has also become used to having sex again, and waited until she found a ‘safe environment’ and a trustworthy partner before she was intimate with a man post-surgery.
‘Sexually, I started to feel something in my vagina about a week after surgery, but I wasn’t able to masturbate until a few months afterward, because it was so sore and still healing,’ she wrote. ‘For the first five or so times, it hurt, but touching myself felt super normal.’
While she is comfortable discussing her surgery and transition, Emily pointed out that many transgender people do not feel like being as open as her, adding that ‘no one likes being asked about their genitals’.
Still, she wanted to detail her surgery publicly so that trans girls who are considering getting gender confirmation surgery will be able to access the information they need.
‘Girls will message me and very cautiously ask, “Can we talk about the surgery… if it’s okay?” I say, “Of course”, because I want them to be educated about it,’ she added.
‘Until fairly recently, it was super taboo even within the trans community to talk about it. I think a lot of trans people are so aggravated giving the 101 class to cis people, that they don’t want to get into the advanced class with trans girls.
‘So many famous trans women don’t talk about it, because they say it’s private. But what about all the trans girls that want the surgery? Who are they looking up to?’
Emily credited the writer and TV host Janet Mock for helping her get through her own transition by discussing surgery openly.