Standing out from the crowd might be something we all secretly crave but being average is a lot easier to live with when it comes to sex.
Being physically different to the norm has its perks but it also has its challenges – as many of the millions who tuned into Channel 4’s My Massive C*** documentary found out recently.
The documentary followed the lives of men with extra-large penises who’d been turned down for jobs, abused and objectified because of it.
But it’s not just big penises that can get in the way of having a good time. Breasts that make people’s heads turn, being curvier than most or being extremely tall – all of these things have an impact on sex.
I spoke to four people with unconventional bodies and asked them to tell me if sex is different for them.
Here’s what they told me.
Whether it’s an extra large penis, big breasts of being above average height, having a body type that’s not quite the ‘norm’ can have a huge impact on your sex life (stock image)
I have a huge penis
John’s penis is 8.5 inches long when erect
‘I fall in the top two percent of men with a penis that is larger than eight inches when erect. (I’m 8.5 inches and the average erect penis is between 4.5 – 5.5 inches.) When other men find out the size, I can see myself rising in their estimation. Envy shows on their face and when I tell them it’s not all fun and games, they clearly don’t believe me.
People talk: word gets around when you have a very large penis. If I’m with a big group of friends and there are people there who don’t know me, I’m often introduced as ‘This is John. All you need to know about him is that he has a HUGE d***!’.
It’s patronising to be labelled like this. It makes me sound stupid, like I’m ruled by my penis, and insinuates that all I’m interested in is sex.
People ask to see it; men make comments when they’re beside me at the urinal. Even extra-large condoms don’t fit properly and end up breaking or coming off, so I’m more at risk of catching STI’s or HIV. I’m restricted with what I wear because if trousers are tight-fitting, you can see it.
Some women go out with me purely because of my penis size. They think sex is going to be great or want to boast to their mates. But I’m sick of casual sex and want a relationship. I’m not a circus freak.
Despite thinking sex is going to be great because of my size, plenty of women decide they don’t want to do it after all. They look unnerved when they see me fully erect and if it hurts, which it often does, they ask me to stop. It’s rare to find a woman who can accommodate me fully. It’s never fully inserted which feels frustrating.
I had one girlfriend who literally psyched herself up before we had sex. ‘I can do this, I can do this,’ she’d say, with a determined look on her face that was more suited to preparing for running a marathon than having sex with her boyfriend.
Afterwards, she’d often be doubled up in pain, with me getting her a hot water bottle. You want your girlfriend to say, ‘That was great!’ after having sex, not look at you accusingly. It’s not pleasant causing pain when what you were trying to do is give pleasure.
There are problems with oral sex as well. My penis is too wide and long for the average woman to feel comfortable with it inside her mouth. One girlfriend – who I really liked – broke up with me because she said she couldn’t face giving me another BJ. She used to gag and feel like throwing up. I told her she didn’t have to do it anymore, but she said that wasn’t fair either.
Truth is, sex has become so stressful for me, I enjoy masturbating solo more than I do having sex with a woman I don’t know well.’
Tracey Cox has spoken to men and women whose bodies aren’t quite ‘average’ to find out how it affects their sex lives
I have big breasts
Prue’s breasts are size 40GG
‘Just as when you’re pregnant and strangers touch your stomach, people seem to think they have carte blanche to touch my breasts just because they’re big. It’s like they’re public property.
People can’t help looking at them or commenting on them. I’m not just talking workmen whistling if you walk past a building site, men of all ages wink at me or shout out ‘Show us your t***!’. Women can be just as bad. The minute I’m somewhere where alcohol is involved, there’s a high risk someone’s going to grab them – and it’s often a woman. One girl came up to me at a music festival, put her hands around my t*** and made a ‘beep beep’ noise, like she was tooting the horn on a car. She thought it was hilarious, I told her to ‘F*** off!’. I can’t tell you how many times strangers will ask, ‘Are they real?’. How is it their business? I refuse to answer now, just look through the person asking the question.
Size matters when it comes to height too!
I’m super tall
Paul is 6ft 6 inches tall
‘God, the jokes get old fast. I’m asked, ‘How’s the weather up there?’ at least five times a week. The nickname ‘Lurch’ is common (If anyone knows of another tall man who isn’t Lurch or Frankenstein, please tell your friends. I’d like a new nickname please.) Just as people stare at couples with young babies as they walk down the aisle on a plane, willing them not to be next to them, people do this when I walk into the movies or a theatre. Flying economy is even more hellish because I literally don’t fit in the seat. Buying clothes is difficult, my feet are enormous so shoes are even harder to find.
Women like tall men but they don’t like very tall men. Everything feels awkward, especially if I’ve matched with someone who is short. Holding hands, hugging…all the things that other couples do without thinking, don’t happen easily for me. I have to hunch over and it’s not romantic or sexy.
Height is restrictive for sex as well. My girlfriend is 5ft 3 inches which means missionary is out because her face is squashed into my chest. We can’t make a 69er work and it’s almost always impossible to kiss during intercourse. I see more of the top of her head than her face and sleeping can be a nightmare because my feet hang off the bed when I stay at her place. I turn over in bed and the blankets come with me – funny at first, not so funny mid-winter.
There are bonuses though: it’s easy for her to bite my nipples, which really gets me off. And I can carry her around easily, which makes that ‘having sex against a wall’ position doable.’
I developed breasts way before the other girls in my class. It was a great joke to everyone: even teachers used to tease me. Men think big-breasted women are more up for having sex than girls with little breasts. That starts young: boys went further faster with me than my friends. Maybe my breasts turned them on more, but I do think men associate big breasts with porn and make the association that if porn stars have big breasts, girls in real life with big boobs must be wannabe porn stars and love sex.
Nearly all the men I slept with were obsessed with my boobs. They became the focus of sex – great for them but totally useless for me. My nipples aren’t sensitive, so I don’t get off on men playing with them for ages. My clitoris isn’t in my nipples! I’m not going to orgasm that way.
I used to feel self-conscious when having sex because of the way they’d look in certain positions. I often felt better if I kept my bra on (though men aren’t usually in favour of that). It’s unflattering if I lean down to kiss my partner while on top. If the guy’s really going for it, they wobble around and hurt. It’s uncomfortable to lie on my stomach. Every time I looked at the guy I’m sleeping with, he’s looking at my breasts, not looking lovingly into my eyes.
I’m married now and while my husband is a big fan, he also gets that I am not a walking pair of breasts. Getting pregnant wasn’t fun though: my nipples were enormous, the size of my hands, and my breasts felt unbearably heavy.
I like my breasts, but I really do wish they were smaller. Carrying that much weight around is hard work. My back hurts, I can’t run or do too much cardio. I’m restricted with nice lingerie because lots of high-end brands don’t go as high as my cup size. I’m restricted in what I wear generally. It’s hard to keep big breasts perky and it’s easy to look ‘mumsy’ rather than hot. I must be really in the mood for attention to wear something low-cut, but high-neck tops like turtlenecks are worse. They make my breasts look even bigger. Most annoyingly, small-breasted women can wear clothes that are slit to the waist and still look classy. I have to be constantly careful I don’t look ‘slutty’.’
I’m a plus-size woman
Sierra weighs 15 stone.
‘There is a world of difference between a fat girl who hates her body and a fat girl who loves it. (I don’t find the word ‘fat’ insulting so happily put that label on myself.) The first will come to bed feeling ashamed, unsexy and unlovable. The second will walk in full of confidence, strip off and be proud of her curves.
I don’t just like my body, I love it. I’m naturally curvy and I would be even if I lost a ton of weight. But just as there are men who look at me and like what they see, there are men who clearly don’t. I don’t get offended if someone doesn’t find me attractive, it’s just personal taste. Some guys like slim or skinny girls, others like bigger women.
I don’t like being fetishized though. Guys who only ever date or sleep with big girls are creepy. I have been out with men of all shapes and sizes. I’m attracted to lots of people. I don’t want someone to be with me purely because of my body size. How awful is that?
I like it when men tell me what they like about my body and compliment me. Reassurance, though, is insulting. My partner of four years has never once tried to pretend: we both know I am fat by anyone’s standards. He likes my curves but if I suddenly decided I wanted to lose weight, he’d be OK with that as well.
People who say, ‘I don’t think you’re fat, I think you’re beautiful/sexy/gorgeous’ think they’re complimenting me, but what they’re actually saying is ‘We both know fat people aren’t attractive but you’re the exception’. It’s an insult.
Men are nervous when they sleep with a bigger woman for the first time. They wait for permission to touch the fat parts like my stomach or thighs. Maybe it’s because they’ve been with slim girls who think putting on weight is the worst thing that would ever happen to them.
Not all sex positions work but most do, if you’re creative. Sometimes, I’ll have to pull bits out of the way or adjust my body but that’s not a big deal. I had one guy get all hung up on the noises our bodies were making but bigger bodies make more noise, so what? Oral sex was a challenge for another lover. He said he couldn’t breathe properly, and his tongue wasn’t long enough. We fixed it by me standing up rather than lying.
My overall experience is that guys like bigger women more than they like too skinny women. Flesh is warm and feels nice to lie against, much more erotic than skin covering bone.’
*All names have been changed
Listen to Tracey’s podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, wherever you listen to your podcasts. Her product ranges, books and blog can be found on traceycox.com.