A Melbourne woman has written about her harrowing experience with miscarriage to help others understand the emotions and the journey that women may go through.
Elisa Mercuri, 30, found out she was expecting a child with her husband last year and couldn’t wait to meet her baby.
Here, in a series of moving diary entries – which she has shared with FEMAIL – she opens up about her heart breaking loss and her hopes for the future.
Elisa Mercuri, 30, (pictured right) found out she was expecting a child with her husband last year and couldn’t wait to meet her baby
SUNDAY 31ST JULY 2016
Two positive lines. Our honeymoon baby.
I knew I was pregnant even before I took the test. There was a feeling I never had felt before but it was a good feeling.
My body was changing. I felt tired, my boobs were sore and morning sickness set in.
We started thinking about who our obstetrician would be, which hospital our baby would be born in.
‘I knew I was pregnant even before I took the test. There was a feeling I never had felt before but it was a good feeling,’ she said
THURSDAY 9TH SEPTEMBER 2016
Nine weeks had past, nine weeks of feeling life grow inside of me and my body changing rapidly.
Nine weeks of picking out names and daydreaming of gender, the future plans we would have for our baby, if it will look like me or my husband and looking forward to holding the baby in our arms.
Our first ultrasound. We were so excited! At nine weeks, a baby’s heart and body parts are formed and developing.
But something was wrong. I knew straight away when the obstetrician kept changing the position of the ultrasound probe to see the baby and then needing to do an internal ultrasound. I looked in her eyes and knew.
Our doctor then told us there was no heartbeat and our baby had stopped growing.
Receiving that news my heart sank; it broke; and I couldn’t believe it was happening to us… to me.
Elisa and her husband had conceived their baby on their honeymoon last year
I was in complete shock. I cried, I cried as we left the hospital rooms, I cried all the way home while my husband was driving and then we got to my parents place and I broke down on the floor into a complete mess when I got home.
I have never cried like that in my life before, never longed for a life, my baby, that I was carrying inside me and could now no longer protect.
I felt like a complete failure, to myself and to my husband, my body failed me from doing what any female body was made to do, grow a healthy baby to term.
Going home and waiting for those next few days to go by with my baby still inside me felt so cruel, I hated my body for what it was doing.
I felt so empty inside. The whole three days I spent it crawled up in a ball in bed crying.
‘I have never cried like that in my life before, never longed for a life, my baby, that I was carrying inside me and could now no longer protect,’ she said
TUESDAY 13TH SEPTEMBER 2016
The day I will never forget. The day my baby would be removed.
The cruel thing is I had to go through the maternity ward where other women were waiting for their appointments with their huge baby bellies and here I was knowing that it was not going to happen for me.
I was terrified and so sad. I was about to go in for a procedure I never have wanted.
I will never forget the feeling of getting onto that theatre table and crying my eyes out until I was put to sleep.
But I will also never forget the moment where a male hospital nurse held my hand as I was given the anaesthetic to go under and tried to comfort me with what I was and would be going through.
I woke up in the hospital bed and cried my eyes out even more. My heart was broken and I knew nothing would be able to repair it.
A piece of my heart was forever gone and would never return. My baby was gone and there is nothing I could ever do to bring it back.
‘I was terrified and so sad. I was about to go in for a procedure I never have wanted,’ she explained about having to birth her miscarried baby
THE FOLLOWING TWO WEEKS
The real grieving process was to now set in, the part and process that no one tells you about or prepares you for.
I spent days in my bed, not eating or drinking or showering – just curled up in a ball feeling so empty. There was nothing my husband could do to help me. And there was nothing I could do to help him through his grief of his baby too.
Nothing I could do to bring our first baby back.
I cried so hard my whole body ached and felt a pain I never knew was possible.
I didn’t know how to talk about the loss of our baby, that was the hardest part. And when people did find out they would say “at least it happened earlier on and not later on in the pregnancy” or “it wasn’t meant to be” or “you will be able to have another baby”, those words hurt the most.
I wanted THAT baby, I never wanted to lose it, and there is definitely no difference in losing a baby earlier on or later on the pregnancy, it’s still a baby, our baby.
‘I spent days in my bed, not eating or drinking or showering – just curled up in a ball feeling so empty’
TWO MONTHS LATER
Over the next weeks and months, I would open up my Facebook to see all the new pregnancy and baby announcements and it killed me inside.
No one tells you that automatically and your body’s natural reaction is to be jealous. Not jealous that I wanted their baby but I wanted MY baby.
A reminder that I will never get the chance to hold my baby in my arms, watch our baby grow, take its first steps, go to school, and get married one day. All those hopes and dreams will never happen for our baby.
Miscarriage grief brought so many different feelings with it. It ranged from sadness, to anger to depression.
‘Over the next weeks and months, I would open up my Facebook to see all the new pregnancy and baby announcements and it killed me inside,’ Elisa said
It had its milestones which I hated, every Tuesday would mark the week that it had gone by that our baby was taken from me.
Every Thursday would be mark the milestone of the week our baby could have been.
And April 13th 2017 would have been our baby’s due date.
It made me feel hatred to my body for failing to produce a healthy baby. It made me feel like I was drowning and suffocating with grief.
It made me look back on what I could have done to help my baby, maybe it was my fault when I had a big drinking night on our honeymoon before I had that positive test result or it was because I hadn’t rested enough.
And it made me feel jealous to any pregnant women that would be around me or talk about their baby or a newborn baby.
And then finally the jealousy made me feel ashamed for feeling that way because I couldn’t actually wish my situation on anyone.
‘It made me feel hatred to my body for failing to produce a healthy baby. It made me feel like I was drowning and suffocating with grief,’ she wrote
SIX MONTHS LATER
No one also told me that it could take many more months to conceive our next baby, every month that went by killed me even more inside when I didn’t get any positive pregnancy tests.
It was an emotional roller coaster for us and nothing could be done about it, even with trying to conceive on the right days and doing all the right things there was nothing, absolutely nothing.
During this time you also realise who in your life is most important to you. I had people in my life who I thought would be there for me or us during this hard time and weren’t – that was devastating to see.
All I know is that if it wasn’t for my amazing husband, my mum and dad and my closest best friends I would never have gotten through this time.
‘All I know is that if it wasn’t for my amazing husband, my mum and dad and my closest best friends I would never have gotten through this time’
ELEVEN MONTHS LATER
It has taken me eleven months to write this and want to share the story of what happens and the feelings of when someone goes through a miscarriage.
Eleven months to semi-realise that it wasn’t my fault my body failed and there was nothing I could have done to stop the miscarriage from happening.
Time does help… but it doesn’t cure or heal the heart and soul.
And even though now we are expecting our second baby and 32 weeks pregnant there is not a day goes by that I do not think about our first baby and the grief that has come along with it.
It still makes me anxious to this day that something could still go wrong and it’s all just a dream of being pregnant a second time around.
My heart will never be whole again but I am so grateful and blessed that we have our miracle rainbow baby growing healthy and strong inside me.
And that I still have my loving husband by my side through it all.