A woman has opened up about how her terminally ill husband helped her find love with someone new before dying from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS).
Author Deirdre Fagan shared her bittersweet love story in an essay published by Newsweek, recalling how her late husband Bob encouraged her to see her colleague and friend Dave in a different light before he passed away a decade ago.
‘Bob was the first love of my life; Dave is the second. I believe our hearts can be large when we make room,’ she wrote.
Author Deirdre Fagan, 52, opened up about how her late husband Bob (pictured) helped her see her colleague Dave in a new light in an essay published by Newsweek
Fagan and Bob were married for 11 years and had two young children together when he was diagnosed with ALS at age 43
Fagan detailed how she first met Bob when they were doctoral students at the University of Albany in 2000. Even though they shared an office, they held different hours and rarely spoke.
Their first date didn’t happen until nearly two years later, but after spending the night talking into the wee hours of the morning, they soon ‘became inseparable.’
Fagan explained that she and Bob had both been married to other people in their twenties. The experience helped them better understand who they were and what they wanted.
They tied the knot a year after they started dating and were married for 11 years when Bob was diagnosed with ALS at age 43. Their two young children were four and nine at the time.
ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, targets nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord called motor neurons that send messages to the muscles in the body.
The couple’s children were four and nine at the time of his diagnosis
Bob told Fagan that he wanted her to ‘find love again’ after he died, saying: ‘You deserve love in your life’
As the motor neurons die, patients gradually lose the ability to walk, talk, speak, swallow, and breathe. There is currently no cure for the neurodegenerative disease, and there are few effective treatments to slow down its progression.
‘The day after he was diagnosed, Bob told me he wanted me to find love again,’ she explained. ‘”You have always been happier in a relationship than not in one. I want that for you again, and for the kids,” he said. “You deserve love in your life, and so do they.”
‘I was still reeling from his diagnosis. I was shocked and told him to stop talking. I wasn’t at all ready to hear what he was saying.’
Fagan said that about four months after Bob’s diagnosis, her colleague Dave surprised them with a visit after his cycling group ended their ride in her neighborhood.
His visits became more frequent, and all three of them enjoyed each other’s company so much that he eventually started stopping by every Tuesday after his ride.
Fagan’s colleague Dave (pictured) started checking in around this time, and all three of them developed a friendship thanks to his weekly visits
Fagan recalled how Bob pointed out that she and Dave could ‘really talk’ and told her to ‘pay attention to that,’ saying she knew what he was implying
Fagan became close friends with Dave as their casual banter about their students and the university they worked for turned into deeper conversations about their lives.
‘One day when Bob and I were alone, Bob pointed out how much Dave and I could talk — really talk. “Pay attention to that,” he said. He gave me a sly smile and winked at me when he said it, so I immediately knew what he was implying,’ she recalled.
‘Bob had planted the seed and the seed began to grow. I didn’t want to accept that Bob was dying but, as time went on and I realized he was, I knew that the only way I would survive was to love again.’
Fagan shared how Dave developed a close bond with her two children and helped fix things around their house, including installing a ramp in the kitchen for Bob’s wheelchair.
Without any nearby family, he became the first contact on their hospice’s emergency phone list. Right before Bob passed away in October 2012, their son Liam asked if Dave should be with them.
Dave was in the room when Bob died in 2012. Fagan said that she and Dave have been married for seven years now, and she credits her late husband for bringing them together
‘Bob was the first love of my life; Dave is the second. I believe our hearts can be large when we make room,’ she wrote
After confirming that her son wanted Dave there, he came right over and was in the room when Bob died. Dave continued to drop by the house after Bob’s death to check on her.
‘Our getting together was almost immediate, as it felt as though we had already been courting while Bob was still alive,’ she explained.
Fagan’s memoir about her late husband’s illness will be published in November 2022
‘Dave expressed how much he had admired the love Bob and I had had for each other, how we had handled his death together, and that that was what had drawn him to us, and now to me.’
Fagan said she didn’t have time to date as a single mom with young children, so he would come over or she would take the kids to his house.
She shared that the early days of their romance were difficult because she was a grieving widow, but her bond with Dave has always been ‘uncomplicated’ at its core.
Fagan said that she and Dave have been married for seven years now, and she credits her late husband for bringing them together in his final days.
‘I don’t know when I would have noticed Dave without Bob’s prompting, but Bob knew what the kids and I needed, and he saw something in Dave that I initially didn’t, or couldn’t. Bob’s blessing made all the difference,’ she wrote.
Fagan’s memoir about her late husband’s illness, Find a Place for Me: Embracing Love and Life in the Face of Death, will be published in November 2022.
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