Hannah Scorer to Boots UK
25 August at 23:01 ·
Boots, we need to have a word. These are, categorically, the worst wax strips in the world. I haven’t tried all the other wax strips, but I’m confident I don’t need to. That’s how bad these are.
Here’s a list of things that could have waxed me more successfully:
*George Evelyn, better known as electronic music composer Nightmares on Wax
*the 2005 film House of Wax, starring Paris Hilton.
You’re probably questioning just how bad they could be. Well, gather on the carpet because it’s story time.
Last night, I decided to use your wax strips to tidy up my bikini line. I know, right? You can almost feel the burn. But it’s worth it for that silky smooth skin.
So, I followed your instructions on how to use the strips. It’s not rocket science, but it’s best to be sure, isn’t it? You wouldn’t want waxing to go wrong, would you?
So, as instructed on the back of the pack I warmed a strip, stuck it down, endured the brief but childbirth-level pain intensity of ripping it off, and looked down, ready to admire a peachy beach-ready inner thigh.
Do you know what I saw instead, Boots? All the hair I’d just tried to take off not even slightly detached from its follicles. Except now, matted firmly into the hair was a thick layer of wax. Have you touched that wax when it becomes separated from its strip? It is so sticky it could have held together the original Sugababes line-up. My bikini line was like the dancefloor of a really questionable club at 3am.
I was slightly panicked until I remember the wax residue removing moisturising wipes included in the box of wax! It will all be ok, I thought, for the wipes will resolve this.
I took one of the wipes and started trying to rub off the wax/glue/melted Push Pop hybrid. However, instead of rescuing my skin, the wipe becomes trapped and bits of it tear off and firmly adhere to my waxy, furry skin, like a series of tiny surrender flags.
This would be bad enough in any situation, but do you know why I was waxing my bikini line, Boots? I had a date. I’ve been out of the dating game for a while and I appreciate things change, but this wasn’t learning Tinder, this was my fanny looking like something from the Blair Witch. The Blair Witch, Boots.
So, I got in the shower, and exfoliated off as much of the gunk and tissue paper mixture as I could, before dealing with the area with a good old-fashioned razor. Or I tried. But the wax had to continue its campaign to ruin my life, and it immediately blunted the razor.
Eventually, with repeated exfoliation the use of a large amount of very expensive oil I usually save for special occasions and a replacement razor blade, I manage to finish the job the wax strips didn’t really start. My f**** looks like a bright pink newborn panda, but at least the hair is gone. So is my will to live and half the products in my bathroom, but at this point I’ll salvage a win wherever I can.
So that, Boots, is why these are the worst wax strips in the works. Please remove them from sale immediately and gift them to the construction industry as an alternative to cement. Or pass them on to local councils looking for some anti-climb paint. Anything that doesn’t involve hair removal really.
Thanks in advance