However much you try to maintain an air of mystique during sex, at least one of you will feel compelled to make a joke
1 At least one of you will have at one point initiated sex with, ‘Shall we?’
2 You feel too old to say, ‘This is my boyfriend/girlfriend’; ‘lover’ is too Sex and the City, and ‘partner’ is just ghastly, so you usually settle on, ‘This is my…Alex.’
3 You are completely unfazed by being disturbed mid-coitus, having over the years been interrupted by several cats, a labrador and three jack russell terriers.
4 University was 30 per cent degree, 70 per cent frantically making up for your virginal school years by having sex in rivers/gyms/ doorways/phone boxes/on bouncy castles.
5 Alternatively, you entered a monogamous relationship with the first person you snogged at freshers’ week. You either broke up as soon as finals were over (timing!) or you’re still together now. Well done, you.
6 Your cleaner has arranged your sex toys and lubricant so neatly that it would be a shame to move them.
7 Plus, you haven’t really had the energy for sex toys since the garden started taking off.
8 You adore sexy underwear but haven’t worn any since your kids ran in halfway through and yelled, ‘Mummy, why are you all tied up?’
9 You never actually agree to go on a date, just get super-drunk and snog, then eventually get married.
10 There is no such thing as sober sex in the first six months of a relationship unless you’re teetotal.
11 A cup of tea after sex is almost as lovely as the sex itself.
12 If unfortunate enough to have bad sex, you would rather die than say anything other than, ‘That was lovely, thank you.’
13 You can quite confidently talk about the pill, the coil and the contraceptive injection, but condoms will for ever be known as, ‘you know…them’.
14 You grew up confidently expecting your first time to be like Dynasty, when it was more like Blue Peter.
15 You live in fear of the window cleaner catching you both at it, despite the fact that he only comes once a year and you tell him what time to arrive. Blame the Confessions films.
16 When you pass Agent Provocateur, your first thought is, ‘God, it all just looks so uncomfortable.’
17 You have absent-mindedly colour matched sex-shop fronts to Farrow & Ball paints on more than one occasion – who knew Calamine was such a fave!
18 The only rubber you’re likely to own is a pair of ageing wellies – and they’re not even Le Chameau.
19 Twenty years on, you still fantasise about Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice. Even Poldark doesn’t look quite as good in shirts.
20 Nothing makes you honk with laughter like the way ‘wellies’ autocorrects to ‘willies’.
21 You have never, ever had a serious conversation about your sex life sober – or, possibly, at all.
22 You find the best way to get relationships advice is from other people’s aunts at weddings when you know that a) you’ll never see them again, and b) they won’t remember a thing about it in the morning.
23 You dread your other half coming home and suggesting that you use a remote controlled sex app together. Phones are for pictures and slagging off Ascot outfits on WhatsApp, definitely not for making your knickers move from five miles away.
24 However much you try to maintain an air of mystique during sex, at least one of you will feel compelled to make a joke.
25 You know orgies exist away from Jilly Cooper novels, but nowadays they take place in frightfully nice houses and you’ve probably admired the sofas.
26 You keep forgetting how great orgasms are and vowing to have some more.
27 Whenever you hear a joke about the British not enjoying sex, you carefully keep a straight face while inside going, ‘Dream on, sunshine, we invented it.’
28 You know the British did not invent sex, but it still wouldn’t surprise you if they had somehow managed to secretly patent it.
29 Nothing would be worse than going on Love Island – except maybe having sex on Big Brother – but you’re absolutely glued to watching other people do it.