A leading anti-bullying expert has revealed how to spot if your child is being tormented and what steps to take if they are being targeted online.
Sandra Craig, manager of the National Centre Against Bullying (NCAB), said bullying was a ‘highly complex’ issue but there were some basic facts parents should know that could help protect their child.
Online harassment and youth suicide made headlines this week after it was revealed 14-year-old Amy ‘Dolly’ Everett was the latest young Australian to end her own life after relentless bullying.
This week Daily Mail Australia spoke to two mothers who have lost teenagers to bullying: Melinda Graham, whose daughter Jessica Tolhurst, 14, died in Wollongong in 2015 and Crystal Bell, whose daughter Libby, 13, died in Adelaide last August.
Amy ‘Dolly’ Everett took her own life on January 3 after being tormented by online bullies
Jessica Tolhurst, 14, took her life in December 2015 after enduring physical and online bullying
Education expert Sandra Craig is the manager of the National Centre Against Bullying
Both mothers want to raise awareness of the devastation caused by bullying and are working for legislative changes to make bullies face the consequences of their actions.
Dolly took her life on January 3. Her parents challenged their daughter’s online tormentors to attend her funeral in the Northern Territory on Friday.
Ms Craig, an experienced teacher who has researched cyber safety and helped develop anti-bullying programs for schools, said to understand bullying it was important to first define what it was – and was not.
Bullying, Ms Craig said, was ‘an ongoing misuse of power in relationships’ through verbal, physical, psychological and social behaviour.
It can happen in person or online and can be obvious or hidden. Significantly, it is conducted by a more powerful person against a less powerful person unable to stop it from happening.
‘It’s not about single incidents, conflicts or fights between equals,’ Ms Craig said.
‘[Conflicts and fights] can be serious and cause hurt, but conflicts are not intended to cause harm.’
Amy ‘Dolly’ Everett featured in an advertising campaign for hat-makers Akubra as a child
Parents should be aware of the signs their children may be being bullied (stock image)
Jessica Tolhurst’s mother has spoken of the devastation losing her daughter (pictured)
Ms Craig provided a list of signs a child might be suffering at the hands of bullies. Those signs included:
· Changes in sleep patterns
· Changes in eating patterns
· Frequent tears or anger
· Mood swings
· Becoming withdrawn or starting to stammer
· Becoming aggressive and unreasonable
· Refusing to talk about what is wrong
· Beginning to target siblings
· School grades beginning to fall
· The child being often alone or excluded from friendship groups
A child being excluded from schoolyard groups could be a sign of bullying (stock image)
Amy ‘Dolly’ Everett’s funeral was being held at Katherine in the Northern Territory on Friday
Further signs of bullying include a child feeling ill in the morning, not wanting to go to school, continually ‘losing’ money or starting to steal, unexplained injuries, coming home hungry or with missing or damaged belongings or clothes.
Ms Craig said online and offline bullying had differences and similarities.
With both, a power imbalance, intentional and cruel behaviour and the reasons for bullying were similar.
‘What is different with online bullying is the invasion of all aspects of a person’s life, the reach to a large audience and the perceived sense of anonymity and disinhibition that pertains online,’ Ms Craig said.
‘And they do it from the same set of motivations.’
Ms Craig said parents had to be proactive about bullying, initially by providing positive role models promoting empathetic and kind behaviour towards others and ensuring lines of communication were open.
‘Don’t wait for bullying to happen before talking about it,’ Ms Craig said. ‘Use opportunities that arise in conversation or raise the subject explicitly.’
‘Let the child know what bullying is, what to do about it if it happens and that they aren’t alone in their experience.
‘Ensure they know that you or their teachers are there for them.’
Schoolgirl Libby Bell, 13, was bullied relentlessly until her death in Adelaide in August last year
Bullying victim Libby Bell (left) with her mum Crystal, pictured together on Mother’s Day 2017
If bullying occurs, the first step was to stay calm. ‘This will allow the child to tell you about the situation,’ Ms Craig said.
Ms Craig said it was important to listen to the child’s whole story, to reassure them they were not to blame and to ask what they wanted to do, as well as what they wanted you, the parent, to do.
‘Reassure them that reporting is OK – it’s not “dobbing”,’ Ms Craig said.
Ms Craig recommended discussing with the child how they could behave around their tormentor.
‘Explain that bullying is sometimes done just to get a reaction,’ she said. ‘If the child can keep calm and not express anger, fear or upset it’s less likely to keep happening.’
Advising the child to fight with his or her bully was not a good idea.
‘Work with the school to stop the situation, ensure your child is safe and prevent it from happening again,’ Ms Craig said.
Melinda Graham pictured with her daughter Jessica Tolhurst who took her own life in 2015
Sandra Craig (holding certificate) says bullying is a complex issue but can be countered
To discourage online bullying, Ms Craig said access to technology should be supervised or limited as appropriate to the child’s age.
‘There is a good reason why children under 13 years of age are not supposed to be on social networks,’ she said.
If a child is being bullied online the parent should:
· Encourage the child no to respond to the message or image
· Save the evidence
· Block or delete the sender
· Report the situation to the internet service provider or phone service provider
· Tell other people – teachers and police if necessary
Ms Craig said children bully for different reasons at different times during their development, that some who have been bullied become bullies and vice versa.
Children are urged to tell other people such as teachers if they are being bullied (stock image)
Crystal Bell with her daughter Libby, 13, who took her life in August last year after bullying
Whether bullies were made or born was still being debated, she said. According to Ms Craig most academics believed bullying often stemmed from dysfunction in the home or from a personality disorder.
‘However, some studies… suggest there may be a genetic component and that a person can be “hard-wired” to become a bully,’ Ms Craig said.
Citing the work of Professor Helen McGrath, a psychologist and author, Ms Craig said a combination of factors often worked together to create a ‘perfect storm’.
There was no single definable profile of a bully.
‘While many assume [bullies] are largely unintelligent and over-aggressive, in actual fact, most tend to be smart, highly charismatic and popular in school, often hanging out in the ‘cool’ group,’ Ms Craig said.
And bullies can start young.
‘Scarily enough, hostile, targeted, repeated behaviour shows up in childcare and early learning centres,’ Ms Craig said. ‘It’s hard to accept that little children can engage in deliberate harmful acts, but they do.’
NCAB is an initiative of the Alannah and Madeline Foundation, which aims to provide care for children who have experienced or witnessed serious violence, reduce the incidence of bullying, cyber-bullying and other cyber risks and advocate for the safety and wellbeing of children.
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800
Amy ‘Dolly’ Everett took her own life aged 14 after suffering a campaign of online bullying