When it comes to matters of attraction, people can have some widely varying tastes — but we really have to wonder about the men who’d get excited over this lingerie.
There’s something out there for everyone this Valentine’s Day, from cutesy ruffled undies to raunchy mesh bodysuits, with sites that peddle lingerie selling a little something to appeal to every predilection and fetish.
That means some of the pieces on offer are very, very niche. In fact, FEMAIL has found enough bras, undies, and teddies for an anti-Valentine’s Day gift guide, full of pieces that are more likely to inspire laughter and confusion than sexual attraction.
Does this do it for you? This ‘sexy’ lace lingerie is designed as a hammock for breasts (Shein, $8, shein.com)
That looks familiar… The odd strapless, backless bra bares a resemblance to the Ta-Ta Towel that went viral in 2017
Sexy? The Ta-Ta Towel (pictured) was designed to help with underboob sweat while getting dressed and faced a fare share of mockery
Why not just go naked? This bondage-style strappy set is just a bit confusing (Shein, $5, shein.com)
HOW much? This ‘playsuit’ is sure to leave his jaw on the floor — but more because of the $3,395 price tag than the sex appeal (Agent Provocateur, $3,395, agentprovocateur.com)
If he has a debt fetish… It doesn’t come with the panties, pasties, or headpiece, the latter of which costs $1,575 (Agent Provocateur, $1,575, agentprovocateur.com )
Turning up the heat: Designer Elissa Poppy’s latex lingerie looks hot and sweaty, and not in a good way (left: Elissa Poppy bra, $253, asos.com; right: Elissa Poppy set, $380, asos.com)
Perhaps one of the most bizarre pieces on offer is an $8 lace bralette from Shein. Sexy and see through, the bralette has now back strap or even traditional shoulder straps, but is rather a single piece of fabric that covers each breast and loops around the back of the neck.
It bares an uncanny resemblance to the Ta-Ta Towel, a $45 breast-supporting towel that went viral last year.
The Ta-Ta Towel, invented by LA-based entrepreneur Erin Robertson, wraps around breasts in a hammock-like design in order to prevent under-breast sweat while getting dressed and doing hair and makeup.
When it caught the internet’s attention last summer, many immediately expressed a desire to own one, while many others mocked the odd shape.
But while the Ta-Ta Towel is not actually meant to be seen and was designed with a more practical purpose in mind, the Shein bra is, presumably, meant to be sexy.
The pelvic bone’s connected to the… We supposed this is better than wanting a partner who’s all skin and bones (Music Legs, $11.99,yandy.com)
Anonymous sex: While bodysuits and masks are nothing new, this face-covering lingerie is a tad unsettling (Leg Avenue, $15.95,yandy.com)
And sweat! Between the color and the length, this get-up looks like someone tried to make a ’90s aerobics outfit raunchy (Elegant Moments, $17.99,yandy.com)
If she doesn’t scare you… We wonder about the childhood of the man who wants to see his partner dressed as Sexy Cruella DeVil (Yandy, $39.95, yandy.com)
Out of this world: Nothing hotter than a hoodie, galaxy prints, and furry boots in the bedroom (J Valentine, $48.95, yandy.com)
Lost sheep won’t stop a good time! This skirt looks like Little Bo Peep took a side job as a stripper at a Gay Pride parade (Daisy Corsets, $99.99,amiclubwear.com)
Bold choice! Sure, anything see-through could be considered ‘sexy’ — but hot pink all-over mesh? (AMI, $26.99, amiclubwear.com)
Sexy time… not! The monokini look is sure to appeal to confused Borat fans (left: BodyZone Apparel, $29.99, yandy.com; right: Elegant Moments, $11.95, yandy.com)
Designer Elissa Poppy specializes in latex lingerie, several pieces of which are currently available from ASOS. While that in and of itself isn’t so far-fetched — though it does seem a bit unhygienic — items like large high-waisted underwear and bras with nude inserts seem an odd fit for the material.
Agent Provocateur offers quite a few over-the-top pieces, but a $3,395 metal playsuit is sure to raise the most eyebrows. The design features features a body chain that falls between the breasts, and is recommended for wearing along with other lingerie.
The brand also suggests pairing it with a $1,575 metal headpiece.
Online retailer Yandy — known for its ‘sexy’ Halloween costumes and novelty lingerie — has plenty of pieces for men and women with incredibly particular taste.
They include a see-through bodysuit covered with a skeleton design (for the anatomy buff), a G-string monokini (for Borat fans), and a Cruella De Vil-inspired costume (for someone who has some strange associations with 101 Dalmatians).
AMI Clubwear also has several odd pieces in stock, including a neon pink bodysuit and a tiered rainbow skirt.
Wild! This sheer zebra-print bodystocking is also, naturally, crotchless (Elegant Moments, $26,99,yandy.com)