Red Sparrow Cert: 15 2hrs 19mins
Jennifer Lawrence was in London the other week and thoroughly out of sorts she seemed too, snapping needlessly at the saintly Joanna Lumley at the Baftas and barely cracking a smile all visit.
Who knows what might have disturbed her normally sunny disposition, but I have a theory. She might have just seen her latest film, Red Sparrow. Because, my goodness, it’s bad.
From the moment I realised that Lawrence and her largely British supporting cast (leaving aside, for the moment, Australian Joel Edgerton, who’s playing an American spy) were going to do the whole thing in cod-Russian accents and that there was another buttock-numbing two hours 15 minutes-plus of this silliness still to come, I felt my spirits sink.
My goodness, Red Sparrow is bad. It’s out of step with this #timesup age, buttock-numbingly long and Jennifer Lawrence (above) and the cast sport cod-Russian accents throughout
Lawrence has already been nominated for an Oscar four times and is reputedly the highest paid actress in the world, so what on earth induced her to do this sort of pap? And yes, I do realise the answer is probably contained in that last sentence somewhere.
This is a film that couldn’t be more out of step with this feminist #timesup age. It’s directed by a man – Francis Lawrence, who directed Lawrence (no relation) in the last three instalments of The Hunger Games – and is adapted by a man (Justin Haythe) from a novel written by another man, Jason Matthews.
And yet it is a young woman, Lawrence, still only 27, who gets to play Bolshoi-ballet-dancer-turned-seduction-specialist-spy Dominika Egorova, stripping down to her underwear, pulling on the cutaway swimsuits and being tortured while semi-naked in the unedifying process.
Lawrence plays Bolshoi-ballet-dancer Dominika Egorova who is trained in the dark art of seducing foreign agents by Matron (Charlotte Rampling, above with Lawrence)
Lawrence’s presence in such a titillating, glossy-looking, male-fantasy-fulfilling production will undoubtedly ensure the film finds a commercial audience, but no one should be proud of that.
It’s the tone that is the main problem here, as injury brings Dominika’s dancing career to a premature close, forcing her to look for other forms of employment so she can care for her invalid mother (Joely Richardson).
Thank goodness she’s pretty and uncle Vanya (Belgian actor Matthias Schoenaerts) is high up in the Russian security services…
Eventually Dominika is sent to uncover the mole who has been delivering secrets to a CIA agent (a miscast Joel Edgerton, above) but their screen chemistry is modest
Play what ensues with tongue in cheek and an empowered female protagonist and this can still work pretty well, as Charlize Theron showed in Atomic Blonde last year.
But play it straight, as the director clearly intends to here, and the result oscillates between the sleazy and the downright ridiculous.
Having witnessed a state-sponsored murder at truly offputting close quarters, Dominika is given a Nikita-style choice. Either be killed to guarantee her silence or it’s off to Seduction School, where she will become a ‘sparrow’ trained in the dark art of seducing foreign agents for the good of the motherland.
From the outset, it’s clear this will be a game of bluff and counter-bluff, but you’re soon past caring whether Dominika is working for the Russians, the Americans, or, indeed, anyone else
‘Velcome to State School Four,’ purrs Charlotte Rampling absurdly. ‘You vill know me as Matron.’ It’s difficult, nay impossible, not to get the giggles as this tasteless and tiresomely over-extended section gets under way, with the students being trained to deliver sexual pleasure on demand.
Eventually, a real mission looms, with old Uncle Vanya keen to discover the identity of the mole who has been delivering secrets to a CIA agent (Edgerton).
Lawrence is a fine actress but this is not her finest hour by a long way, as she struggles to maintain both dignity and Russian accent. And Edgerton seems miscast: his screen chemistry with Lawrence, 16 years his junior, is modest.
And I can’t believe any of the British cast – Jeremy Irons, Douglas Hodge, Ciaran Hinds or Richardson – will look back on this with pride.
Almost from the outset, it’s clear this will be a game of bluff and counter-bluff, but there are only so many double-crosses a writer can pull and keep an audience on side.
Sadly, Haythe goes much too far, ensuring we’re long past caring whether Dominika is working for the Russians, the Americans or, indeed, anyone else.
Alas, this is one sparrow that just doesn’t fly.
SECOND SCREEN
Game Night (15)
Rating: 
Monster Family (PG)
Rating: 
Remember Date Night, the 2010 comedy with Steve Carell and Tina Fey?
Well, Game Night is a lot like that, but with more board games, slightly fewer laughs and with Jason Bateman and Rachel McAdams taking on the central roles.
They play Max and Annie, a good-looking couple initially brought together by their shared love of games but now hoping to start a family.
Only there’s something amiss with Max’s sperm count – could it be caused by his highly competitive nature, or might his reduced fertility be something to do with his deep-seated envy of his more successful brother, Brooks (Kyle Chandler)?
When Brooks gatecrashes one of their games nights, we get the chance to find out. Brooks, you see, wants to host the best games night ever at the luxury house he’s rented, but when he’s violently attacked and kidnapped, we have a hunch that this particular game of murder-mystery might have got out of hand.
Or has it? The three couples hot on his trail, Max and Annie among them, are not convinced – they think it’s just typical Brooks, always upping the ante. This is good, if slightly lightweight fun, albeit with Bateman and McAdams on sharp enough form to make you realise how long it’s been since a decent commercial comedy came along. Look out for Catastrophe star Sharon Horgan making one of her rare film appearances.
Monster Family is another of those overseasmade cartoons that don’t translate for audiences here, despite the use of a top-notch British voice cast led by Emily Watson and Jason Isaacs
Monster Family is another of those overseasmade cartoons that don’t translate for audiences here, despite the use of a top-notch British voice cast led by Emily Watson, Jason Isaacs and Jessica Brown Findlay.
It’s the odd story of the Wishbone family, whose lives are transformed when Count Dracula falls in love with Mrs Wishbone and promptly sends a wicked witch to get her.
Who, equally promptly, turns all four Wishbones into a vampire, Frankenstein, a mummy and a small werewolf respectively. With editing, pacing and screenplay all misfiring, it gets odder and less enjoyable from there…