NHS psychiatrist Max Pemberton may make you rethink your life and how to achieve happiness
Over the years that I have been a doctor, hundreds of patients have sat in front of me. While each of their stories is unique, I often notice certain patterns. I see the same difficulties, upsets and frustrations again and again — and, inevitably, I find myself saying the same things over and over.
While life is complex, there are a few simple things that, if we all followed them, would make all the difference to our happiness. So, here are the lessons I’ve learnt from my patients that could just change your life …
1 DON’T WORRY — IT MIGHT NEVER HAPPEN!
I had a patient, let’s call her Lisa, who I had been seeing for anxiety and low mood for many years. Every time I saw her, she would come with a list of things that were worrying her.
Some of them were big, like she was going to be fired; others were relatively small, like her sister wouldn’t like her birthday present. The energy she expended on worrying about things that would never happen was extraordinary.
Aren’t we all guilty of this? I once wrote a list of all the things Lisa was worried about, and at the next appointment we read through it together. Not a single one of her concerns had come true.
Do this for yourself. Write a list of things you’re worried about. Revisit this list a month or even a year later. I promise you the vast majority will have come to nothing.
2 IT’S NOT THE WASHING UP THAT’S BOTHERING YOU
I used to see a middle-aged woman who would tell me about the rows she would have with her husband because he wouldn’t do the washing up.
Whenever she recalled these rows, her eyes would widen, her skin would flush and she would relive the fury she felt. We got on well, so one day I joked to her: ‘Get a dishwasher.’
She thought about this for a second, then said: ‘But then we’d just row about something else.’
This said it all — because, of course, it wasn’t really about the washing up.
It became apparent that for her, him not doing the washing up was symbolic of his general lack of interest in her.
I see this time and again, and even notice it in my own personal life. It’s easier to pick on something small and daft — like whose turn it is take out the rubbish — but these draining, soul-sapping rows will be endless unless you step back and try to address what’s really bothering you.
3 BE KINDER TO YOURSELF
I am astonished when I listen to my patients talk about themselves. They are their own worst enemies. They judge themselves by higher standards and are far less forgiving than they would ever be towards someone else.
Stop being so tough on yourself. If you’ve made a mistake or something hasn’t worked out how you wanted, then imagine what you’d say to a friend who came to you with this problem.
You’d try to help them see that it wasn’t the end of the world, that they did their best, and encourage them not to blame themselves and to move on.
Do the same with yourself. As a rule of thumb, if you wouldn’t say it to someone you love, then you shouldn’t say it to yourself.
![Stop being so tough on yourself, writes Dr Max. If you’ve made a mistake or something hasn’t worked out how you wanted, then imagine what you’d say to a friend who came to you with this problem](https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/08/19/02/435E63AB00000578-4804318-image-a-51_1503104648728.jpg)
Stop being so tough on yourself, writes Dr Max. If you’ve made a mistake or something hasn’t worked out how you wanted, then imagine what you’d say to a friend who came to you with this problem
4 BE KINDER TO OTHER PEOPLE
Remember, everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. I am routinely astonished by the truly awful things that people tell me about their lives.
Even people who superficially seem to have it all — good looks, money, a perfect relationship — are often fighting demons, from specific problems such as an eating disorder to historical difficulties such as a childhood bereavement that casts a long shadow over their adult lives.
You never know what is going on in someone else’s life, so give them the benefit of the doubt. I’ve met very few genuinely unpleasant and hateful people. Most are just muddling along, doing the best they can. Try to remember this.
5 A JOB CAN MAKE YOU MISERABLE
What you do every day has a profound impact on your mental health, yet often people feel trapped in their careers.
They might have trained for years so feel obliged to stick with it; or they have a particular lifestyle and changing their job (and perhaps earning less) would jeopardise this. So they soldier on, living a life of low-level misery.
Many of us don’t realise what a negative impact our job is having.
I remember one lawyer whom I used to see due to depression. I’d been seeing him in the outpatients’ clinic for months. He’d tried psychotherapy and antidepressants, he’d done mindfulness and yoga and even taken up running. Still, he was utterly miserable.
![Stand back and ask yourself whether the benefits are outweighing the mental burden of your job, writes Dr Max. Maybe he should prescribe careers advice](https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/08/19/02/435E645300000578-4804318-image-a-52_1503104693871.jpg)
Stand back and ask yourself whether the benefits are outweighing the mental burden of your job, writes Dr Max. Maybe he should prescribe careers advice
Then one day he was hit by a car. He had to take six weeks off work and his depression vanished. It was clear that his job was the root cause of his problems. He got a job in another law firm doing something he found more worthwhile and, lo and behold, I was able to discharge him from the clinic.
Stand back and ask yourself whether the benefits are outweighing the mental burden of your job. I often think that, more than medication, I should prescribe careers advice.
6 STOP TRYING TO CHANGE OTHERS
From friendships to work colleagues, we waste an incredible amount of time and energy trying to change other people. Don’t bother. It rarely works.
There are two options. Either learn to accept the person as they are and change how you respond to them. Or, if it really upsets you, distance yourself from them.
For instance, rather than getting angry at a friend who often cancels at the last minute, realise that this is just a pattern for them — it’s not about you personally — and factor this in when making plans by inviting others along, too, so you’re not left by yourself.
Alternatively, you can re-evaluate the friendship and decide it’s not worth feeling let down and end it. In the long run, this is much easier than dwelling on their bad habits, which will just leave you angry and exhausted.
7 DON’T SAY YOU’RE FINE, IF YOU’RE NOT
I would say that 90 per cent of all of our problems come down to a failure in communication. Either someone hasn’t explained something properly, or someone else hasn’t listened.
Learning how to express what you want or feel requires a surprising amount of practice.
We often don’t really think about what we really, truly want. Too often, we expect people to somehow telepathically just know.
Then, when someone doesn’t respond in the way that we want them to, we experience this as a rejection or a sign that we aren’t important or loved.
This isn’t the case: it’s just that we haven’t been clear.
People will often say one thing (‘No really, I’m fine’), but mean something entirely different (‘I’m furious with you’) and then feel frustrated when it doesn’t get them what they want.
Try hard to articulate what you’re actually thinking or feeling — and listen in return.
![All too often, we end up doing things we don’t want to or find ourselves in situations that are making us unhappy simply because we didn’t feel able to say no for fear of offending people or appearing selfish](https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/08/19/02/435E64BC00000578-4804318-image-a-53_1503104725727.jpg)
All too often, we end up doing things we don’t want to or find ourselves in situations that are making us unhappy simply because we didn’t feel able to say no for fear of offending people or appearing selfish
8 LEARN TO SAY A POLITE BUT FIRM NO
‘No’ is one of the best words in the English language for your mental health. Learning to use this word in a polite but firm way is one of the greatest tools for ensuring happiness.
All too often, we end up doing things we don’t want to or find ourselves in situations that are making us unhappy simply because we didn’t feel able to say no for fear of offending people or appearing selfish.
In order to use the word no, you have to practise it and be good at being firm. Learn where your boundaries are and what you do and don’t want to do.
While it’s good to push yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes, if you know that something is going to make you miserable, just say no. Don’t delay, because the longer you put off saying it, the harder it becomes.
Start small. If someone invites you to a party you really don’t want to go to, smile, thank them very much, but say no. You don’t owe them an explanation.
9 SHARE THE LOAD — IT’S GOOD TO TALK
Of course I would say this, but I genuinely think most people would benefit from a bit of psychotherapy. It doesn’t have to involve lying on a couch and talking about your mother (no one does that these days anyway). But people carry around a lot of baggage and it’s sometimes really helpful to have someone share the load.
One of my dearest friends had a very difficult childhood. His mother was an alcoholic and his father was in prison. As an adult, he’d sorted himself out, got a job and was doing well — but he did have quite a temper and would often get in fights while out.
This upset (and sometimes frightened) us, his friends. One day, I told him this. He was mortified and asked me what he should do. I flippantly said he needed therapy — never in my wildest dreams thinking he’d do it. To my amazement, though, he did.
The change was subtle at first: he started talking about his feelings more. Then, one night in a bar, someone pushed him and he spilt his drink. My heart went into my mouth, knowing how this would end. Instead he smiled, said it didn’t matter and walked away.
I’ve seen similar transformations with many of my patients. You don’t have to have serious problems to benefit from psychotherapy — and even just one or two sessions can help.
10 TELL PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM
Finally, without sounding too corny, from a psychological perspective, love is all that really matters. The one thing that drives us, that motivates so much of what we do, that underlies our deepest fears and anxieties, is the need to be loved.
Loving someone is about them being important to you. Yet we routinely go through life without telling people how important they are to us.
Tell someone you love them and you’ll make them feel on top of the world. And you’ll find that people reciprocate — and you’ll realise how loved you are.
Through my work, I have seen a lot of people die and not a single person has said to me that they wish they’d told people they loved them less often.
On their death bed, most people say the exact opposite.