We think people have affairs when their relationship is suffering in some way.
This is still true: people do stray if sex is lacking in their relationship. But plenty of happily married people with highly satisfying sex lives cheat, too.
And wait, there’s more – the people with the best sex lives are actually more likely to be unfaithful.
This is the startling conclusion of a study (just published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) which asked 233 newlywed couples to complete infidelity surveys over a three-and-a-half year period.
The study found both men and women who were happiest with their sex lives cheated at higher rates than those who weren’t.
Why cheat if you’re getting good sex at home?
Sounds crazy, right? Not necessarily. Affairs aren’t all about sex and they’re not all about love either.
People cheat for all sorts of reasons: they want to feel young again, they’re avoiding intimacy or don’t like who they’ve become. (You get to reinvent yourself when you have an affair.)
It’s also thought that sexually satisfied people in happy relationships cheat because they have a higher interest in sex generally.
Tracey Cox has revealed how having more satisfying sex with a partner could lead to further infidelity (stock photo)
If you really, really like sex, you’re likely to describe your primary sex life as good because, for you, any sex is good sex.
Another reason is that the more sex people have, the more sex they want.
‘The hydraulic pump theory’ in psychology says that you only have so much energy for something. If you’re partner’s getting sex elsewhere, they won’t be wanting it at home. If they’re having lots of sex with you, you’re safe.
Except this doesn’t appear to apply to affair sex.
A lot of people are so sexually aroused by their affair, it makes them want more sex with their partner, not less.
Another surprising result: we assume better looking people are more tempted to have affairs because they have more opportunities.
This study proved the opposite: for women, it was the less attractive participants who were more likely to cheat.
It’s a fascinating (albeit worrying) insight into the human psyche – which is clearly on the money.
It was alarmingly easy to find three women to back up the new research, prepared to tell me (anonymously) why they cheat even though their primary relationships are both happy and sexually fulfilling.
This is what they had to say.
The British sex and relationship expert (pictured) spoke with three anonymous women about their experiences
My affairs make sex with my partner better
‘I absolutely agree with the results of this research. My relationship with my partner of 15 years is an extremely happy one. We have two children together and I consider him my best friend.
I tell him everything that happens in my life – except for my affairs.
I’ve had three over the last eight years. They are sex affairs not love affairs, though the men I’ve chosen are work colleagues who I still see regularly.
My job makes it easy for me. It’s corporate and I am asked to speak at conferences in Europe at least once every few months. I’m organised and so are my lovers, so it’s not difficult to take them with me or add a day or so on at the start or finish.
I’ve also invented a few conferences to hole up in a hotel room a few miles away and have sex for days on end.
Clearly, Covid has meant none of this is happening right now. But when this is all over, I see no reason why I won’t continue.
The first affair started because my sex life with my partner was dying. We’d drifted into one of those highly companionable relationships – lots of affection and love but no sex. I don’t think he really minded: I’ve always been the one who instigates sex.
I lost interest in having sex with my husband but became very interested in having it with other people. That’s what happens when you’re not having sex with your partner, everyone else starts to look so attractive.
I started flirting with a man at work – he’s also married – and within weeks we’d rented a hotel room. The sex was great: forbidden, hot and kinky.
The thing about my affairs is that they have a positive affect sexually on my relationship. An affair makes you feel sexy all the time and my husband didn’t take too much persuading to get back in bed with me.
I have told one person about my affairs. Not even my best friend. No-one else knows which is why no-one gets hurt.’
I wanted to explore but didn’t want to lose my husband
‘I feel like two women inhabiting the same body.
I love my husband of three years and we are complete home bodies. We cook together, go for walks, we’ve got a dog, we binge on box-sets. We’re settled, secure and I love that we are so routine and set in our ways, even though we’re both quite young.
But there’s another side of me that’s always been attracted to slightly dangerous sex. Fetish clubs. Threesomes. Anything that pushes the limits.
What I discovered very early on is that you can’t have both. The type of man who enjoys ‘risky’ sex and breaking the rules isn’t the type who wants to settle down and have kids.
The men I have sex with on the side are either single or with partners they cheat on constantly. Yes, I’m being a complete hypocrite because I am cheating on my husband so just as bad as they are.
But I am incredibly careful and protective of my marriage and I only indulge once or twice a year. That’s it. Then I fantasise about the sex I’ve had to keep sex interesting with my husband the rest of the time.
I did float the idea of both of us going to a sex party or a BDSM club together at the start but my husband looked so horrified, I had to pretend I’d said it as a joke.
Obviously there’s a risk with me going to these venues. I might run into someone who knows us. But it’s nearly always in another city and most of our friends are very conservative, so highly unlikely.
What is likely to change my behaviour isn’t guilt: it’s the pandemic. Not only is travel far more difficult, a sex club where lots of people are naked and touching each other, isn’t the best idea at the moment.
I would never put myself or my husband at risk so until the virus gets under control, I’ll be behaving myself. Virtual doesn’t cut it as a substitute for in-person sex.’
People cheat for all sorts of reasons: they want to feel young again, they’re avoiding intimacy or don’t like who they’ve become, says Tracey Cox (stock photo)
Having an affair made me feel more attractive
‘I am constantly being told how good looking my husband is. It’s usually accompanied by an uncomfortable pause that says, “And you are not”.
Someone actually came out and said to me, “You must be great in bed to have pulled him”. In other words, he’s clearly not with you for your looks.
It didn’t start out that way. We got together at university. He was overweight and a geek. Bad haircut, bad dress sense. But I was never into image and didn’t care.
I didn’t really notice how much he’d changed over the years until a new friend of mine remarked on how attractive my husband was.
I looked at him through her eyes and thought, “Wow. You really are!”. If I met him now, I’d consider him way out of my league: I’m not bad looking but I’m no beauty.
I guess this has made me susceptible to flattery. It’s not often men pay me lots of attention and when one of my friend’s husbands flirted with me, I was delighted.
It was all very innocent to start with. He and I instantly got on well and his wife even commented on how much we hit it off. She had me down as someone who wasn’t at all threatening – and nice enough never to betray a friend or my partner. (I’m not that nice, clearly.)
He contacted me a few days after I met him, on social media. Again, nothing wrong with that and my partner followed him as well.
Then he started sending me DM’s saying he’d felt such a connection and did I feel it too?
It was an enormous ego boost. I was sick to death of being the one who must have a “great personality” to keep such an attractive husband. I should add at this point that my husband has never made me feel like this – it’s other people.
He’s not great with compliments but we’ve been together for twelve years, that happens in long-term relationships. To my knowledge he’s never cheated though I’m sure he’s had many offers.
Anyway, I went for it. And for six weeks, I felt like the most beautiful, desirable woman on the planet.
He would stroke my body for hours, marvelling at it. Like it was extraordinary. It’s not and never has been.
He wasn’t as handsome as my husband but he’s not bad looking and his wife is successful and popular. I felt powerful, knowing I’d lured him away from her.
For me, it was about ego. For him, it meant much more.
The affair ended when I realised he wanted us to leave our marriages to be together. It went from being a welcome self-esteem injection to threatening a marriage I was very happy in.
I broke it off immediately and – thank God – he hasn’t caused any problems or threatened to tell.
I don’t regret it because it made me feel better about myself. When other women eye up my husband then look me up and down dismissively, I think about how much this man wanted me and I feel quietly proud that I evoked such strong feeling.’
You’ll find more information about sex and love and Tracey’s supersex and Edge product ranges at traceycox.com.