BEL MOONEY: My lover’s so put upon by his spoilt, lazy son

Dear Bel,

I have been dating a wonderful man for two-and-a-half years. We’re both over 40 and divorced single parents. After his wife cheated on him and left, he raised his son, who is aged 17, alone. My child is primary age.

The first year our relationship was rocky — probably the result of both of us having been hurt very badly and running scared when confronted with something serious. But since then it has just been great — a real relationship

However I cannot stand his son. My partner is a dear, lovely man but because he always worked long hours, with no financial or childcare support from his ex, he’s overcompensated by giving in to his son.

The result is a spoilt, manipulative, lazy teenager who takes advantage. It’s hard to watch and keep my mouth shut — although I mostly do, because I don’t want to ruin it.

If I say something he usually agrees that his son is lazy — but nothing changes. This is a man who works ten hours, six days a week — then comes home to a 17-year-old who says: ‘Dad, I’m hungry’.

This summer, his son was told that he must get a job, but he didn’t. And although my partner said that he wouldn’t fund him . . . of course he did, giving his bank card and PINs. So what’s the point? I could explode.

We’ve discussed marriage and I’d never want to be the wicked stepmother.

At first I was guilty of wanting his son to like me and putting up with his behaviour.

We have agreed that not getting along with an offspring could be the death of any relationship.

I genuinely love this man but I question how I balance the two emotions. His son is supposed to be going to university next year but that feels a very long time away.

I’ve had enough and need my partner to see my point of view. But he sees no wrong. This is so hard to live with — or am I being too harsh?

Barbara

This is a tough one — how to cope with the offspring of somebody you love. Step-parents face it all the time, though you aren’t yet living together (‘dating’, you say).

And I hope this relationship survives — because both of you clearly need a second chance of ‘happy ever after’. But I advise patience, since without it there’s a good chance that you could lose this opportunity for a new life.

Believe me, I understand your frustration. It would drive me mad to witness a spoilt, lazy, greedy teenager running rings around his hard-working dad — the man who has felt he must compensate for the broken marriage and the long hours he was forced to spend working.

Your partner has successfully created a rod for his own back — as so many parents do, by no means all divorced. At some stage in the 20th century, children were allowed to muscle their way to centre stage and became tin-pot gods in family life. They were set on pedestals and given too much ‘stuff’ and not enough freedom and responsibility.

The idea of your man giving his 17-year-old son a bank card and PIN . . . Sheer madness!

You say ‘he sees no wrong’, but that’s not quite true. He does see it, but is incapable of changing his own behaviour, let alone that of his son.

So there’s an impasse — and in truth, nothing is likely to change until this lad goes away to university, at which stage he will inevitably sponge off his dad as much as possible and live in squalor wherever he is (I’d encourage distance!) but no longer be under your feet.

You and this man have been together a very short amount of time. If we discount that problematic first year, we’re only talking 18 months.

You have a young child to take care of; he has to see his son through A-levels and course choices. I suggest it’s too soon to be talking about marriage with more pressing things to cope with.

Why not be content to see each other regularly, but not all the time, making sure that you witness as little of the son’s behaviour as possible? You won’t be able to change it, so try to cultivate a zen calmness which sets the son’s infuriating characteristics in the context of teenage years.

Recognise the fact that it’s pretty normal — and maybe your own child will be the same in ten years’ time! It may not be true, but learning to shrug is good. A year’s wait won’t seem like an age if you have other things on your mind: for example, your child’s hobbies, your interests and friends.

You say you need your partner to see your point of view, and I totally understand that. But I suspect he does — he just feels like a rabbit caught in headlights, between two people he loves.

When you go out, encourage him to chat about his son, but curb direct criticisms. Or rather, express them in terms of how your partner is feeling and what he can do to put things right. Suggest that he gives his son a cookery course for Christmas as that will help him in future.

Focus on the positives rather than the negatives, and bide your time. When this boy grows up a bit and gets a girlfriend (or boyfriend) to knock him into shape . . . well, life could be very different. Chill.

It’s so cruel not seeing my grandsons

Dear Bel,

I’m A 70-year-old grandmother to three grandsons, aged 17, 16 and 14. Divorced, I brought up my only child. I gave him a good education and he went to university.

We had a loving relationship and he was a wonderful son — successful, responsible, kind, a devoted father and husband. I couldn’t have asked for more.

Yet since his marriage, I’ve been gradually excluded, and no longer have any contact. Despite trying to get them to meet me halfway (even suggesting mediation) I have been met with little or no response.

I believe my son has been brainwashed by his wife and can no longer respond in a positive way to me.

The impact is profound — physically and mentally.

I never thought I would not be part of my son and grandsons’ lives. I’m at a loss. What grandmother is refused the mobile numbers of her grandsons, has never had them to stay, never receives news or photos, never gets to attend a prize day, never gets invited at Christmas and never gets a response to her letters?

Surely this is not just a lack of generosity of spirit but mental cruelty?

I know there are countless other grandparents like me who feel life is simply no longer worth living. Friends are supportive but unable to fill the void.

I believe there’s a real need for a national network of support groups where estranged grandparents can meet to share experiences and offer help while travelling along this lonely path.

Christina

More than a million children in the UK today don’t have any contact with their grandparents, and it shocks me.

Research shows that almost 50 per cent of grandparents never see their grandchildren again after parental separation or a family dispute.

Yet I — a devoted grandmother partly brought up by grandparents (helping my parents) — know how the unconditional love of grandparents can enhance family life. I still remember sitting on my grandfather’s knee while he plaited my hair and told me stories about carthorses he worked with as a boy.

Grandparents are often the buffer between a child and inadequate parenting. Once, on a plane in the U.S., I sat by a couple who whispered they were bringing up the child who sat, drawing, between them. Why? The parents had split up and neither wanted custody.

So you can imagine how strongly I am on your side, although obviously I have no idea of the rights and wrongs of this case, and family life can be very complicated. But it does seem wrong that grandparents have no legal right to be part of their grandchildren’s life. After reading your email I entered ‘estranged grandparents’ into a search engine and was interested by what came up. I’m sure you’ve done the same; if not, try it. You may feel less isolated.

I checked out bristolgrandparents supportgroup.co.uk — even if you are not in that area, there are links which connect that site to other groups.

Last year I was contacted by Lorraine Bushell, who runs the Hendon Grandparents group. She told me of their plans for a government petition and I was invited to a big lobby day in Westminster this January, but couldn’t go as it was just before my hip replacement.

Do you know about the national grandparents’ charity, Grandparents Plus? Visit grandparentsplus.org.uk for information and links to groups.

The truthful answer to your question ‘What grandparent never gets invited to family events etc.?’ is (sadly) ‘Lots’. As you’ve tried to make things right there’s no advice I can give, other than to make contact with others in the same situation, in the hope of support.

I hope and pray that when your grandsons are grown up they will get in touch — and try to get to know the grandmother who always wanted to give them so much love.

And finally… Rejoicing in our history is pure joy

We had a weekend away from dogs, gardening and family responsibilities, driving to the beautiful, underrated Midlands for a night away.

Apart from visiting friends, our two destinations were a disused mill in the Wyre Forest, then glorious Wightwick Manor (nationaltrust.org.uk/wight wick-manor-and-gardens) near Wolverhampton.

Someone recommended this Victorian gem (I love the architecture of the period, and I am a paid-up member of The Victorian Society, which tries to prevent short-sighted modernists from ruining our heritage) because it’s full of Pre-Raphaelite art. And it was wonderful.

As soon as we arrived, we signed up for the National Trust, calculating that a joint membership would make us go out to visit as many properties as possible in the coming year, to get our money’s worth!

We’ve decided short breaks are the way forward. A glance at a map of National Trust properties (not to mention English Heritage) makes you rejoice in this country and our history.

But it’s the present that’s on my mind as I write this, thinking of our visit to Wightwick. For on the Bank Holiday weekend it was busy, and there was a powerful sense that people of all ages and types share my feelings.

There were so many families there — grandparents and parents pointing out to children how people used to live, teenagers admiring sensual art, young couples hand-in-hand, kids playing with puzzles left out for them, people picnicking in the stunning gardens, a boy potting a ball (allowed) in the billiard room. This is what it’s all about.

These NT properties belong to us all — and it made me very happy to be a part of this.

It reminded me of Philip Larkin’s 1973 poem, Show Saturday. It describes a country show which epitomises traditional customs, and family and cultural values. It’s about something greater than the individual — which is why the last words, ‘Let it always be there’, move me deeply, like a prayer.

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. A pseudonym will be used if you wish. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.