Rebecca’s wedding was meant to be the happiest day of her life, but then she caught her husband giving her ‘sex eyes’.
It was a grim first impression, but that’s probably why most first dates occur at the pub, not the bloody altar.
‘I don’t appreciate being treated like sex on a stick!’ Becc cried during Monday’s Married At First Sight premiere – a complaint that fell on deaf ears on the groom’s side, mostly because they were all busy checking her out too. Even Granddad.
Rebecca’s wedding was nearly ruined on Monday’s Married At First Sight premiere. The culprit? Her husband Jake giving her ‘sex eyes’ as she walked down the aisle
The only arranged marriage service with a worse divorce rate than real marriages returned like a slap in the face on Monday.
Usually we’d be commenting on how the twelve months without Australia’s trashiest TV show has flown by, but for obvious reasons this year has not.
Self-described ‘incredibly successful career woman’ Rebecca’s meltdown was the highlight of a premiere that struggled to find anything new to say.
Luckily, humanity’s hunger for surprises has been dwindled away to almost nothing -and all it took was a bunch of Neo-Nazi vikings infiltrating the White House during a global pandemic.
‘I don’t appreciate being treated like sex on a stick!’ Becc cried at one point – a complaint that fell on deaf ears on the groom’s side
Mostly because they were all busy checking her out too
Hens, Bucks and Bondi Sands
It’s a time honoured formula: Lock a bunch of insecure snake oil salesmen in a room, ply them with Prosecco and get ready for the fireworks
It’s a time honoured formula: Lock a bunch of insecure snake oil salesmen in a room, ply them with Prosecco and get ready for the fireworks.
You’d think there’d be solidarity in a group of people drawn together by their shared stupidity, but things are bound to get ugly when there’s only a finite amount of Bondi Sands sponsorship deals to go around.
It all started out innocent enough, with single mother Samantha gushing over the incredibly diverse cast Channel Nine had assembled.
It all started out innocent enough, with single mother Samantha gushing over the incredibly diverse cast Channel Nine had assembled. ‘The girls are amazing! she beamed
‘The girls are amazing! she beamed.
‘We’ve got boho girls, spiritual girls, and girls who are ready to have a drink!’
Funny, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a job application asking if you identify as someone who ‘likes to get on the $10 Margs’ but baby steps.
Samantha’s night soon took a dark turn, after self-professed psychic Coco (with a name as fake as her lips) discovered her dirty little secret.
‘We’ve got boho girls, spiritual girls, and girls who are ready to have a drink!’ Funny, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a job application asking if you identify as someone who ‘likes to get on the $10 Margs’ but baby steps
Coco: ‘So, what kind of guy is everybody looking for?’
Samantha: ‘I like older men! The father of my children is sixteen years older than me.’
Coco: ‘Interesting. Quick follow up: How old are you, how old is he and in which year year did you guys meet? Be as specific as possible.’
Samantha’s night soon took a dark turn, after self-professed psychic Coco (left) discovered her dirty little secret: ‘I like older men!’ Samantha admitted. ‘The father of my children is sixteen years older than me.’
Coco rushed to open the calculator app on her iPhone, an impossible task given the iPhone isn’t designed to register responses from five-inch acrylic nails.
Samantha: ‘I’ll save you the trouble, we started dating when he was thirty-three and I was seventeen.’
Coco: ‘Seventeen and thirty-three!? Mate, call the judge, can we get a check on that?’
Coco rushed to open the calculator app on her iPhone, an impossible task given the iPhone isn’t designed to register responses from five-inch acrylic nails. Samantha eventually confessed that she was 17 when she met her ex, who was 33
Coco: ‘Seventeen and thirty-three!? Mate, call the judge, can we get a check on that?’ she mocked, a move that enraged Samantha
Coco eventually agreed to apologise to Samantha, although not to her ex, who had already taken his Centrum Advance 50+ and gone to bed.
The bucks was a far less dramatic affair that climaxed at the highly philosophical topic of post-coital pastimes.
‘How s**t is it when a chick leaves ya house the next morning and you can still smell her Curious by Britney Spears on everything?’ pondered one genius.
Coco eventually agreed to apologise to Samantha, although not to her ex, who had already taken his Centrum Advance 50+ and gone to bed
‘No I love it!’ argued another. ‘I love smelling the pillow after she leaves, it’s me favourite thing.’
Now in normal society, statements like this are usually cause for concern, but this isn’t normal society.
The bucks was a far less dramatic affair that climaxed at the highly philosophical topic of post-coital pastimes: ‘How s**t is it when a chick leaves ya house the next morning and you can still smell her Curious by Britney Spears on everything?’ pondered one genius
‘No I love it!’ argued another. ‘I love smelling the pillow after she leaves, it’s me favourite thing.’ Now in normal society, statements like this are usually cause for concern, but this isn’t normal society
In fact you’re more likely to find an accurate cross section of Australia’s dating scene on A Current Affair than Married At First Sight.
‘Yeah! We all love it!’ the blokes agreed in unison. ‘Now who wants another Black Cherry White Claw?’
‘Yeah! We all love it!’ the blokes agreed in unison. ‘Now who wants another Black Cherry White Claw?’
Rebecca and Jake’s Wedding
We returned to sex-on-a-stick-gate in progress, where Rebecca was running down all of the things her future husband Jake was doing wrong. ‘He had his buttons undone!’ she moaned. ‘My parents would not approve!’ Clearly not, they never showed up
We returned to sex-on-a-stick-gate in progress, where Rebecca was running down all of the things her future husband Jake was doing wrong.
‘He had his buttons undone!’ she moaned of the ex-AFL player. ‘My parents would not approve!’
It seems that’s not the only thing Rebecca’s parents weren’t pleased about, given the fact they never showed up.
She soon faced calls from her bridal party to ‘bite her tongue’ after it became clear Jake could hear everything she was saying.
She soon faced calls from her bridal party to ‘bite her tongue’ after it became clear Jake could hear everything she was saying
‘I’ll bite my tongue when he stops biting his nails!’ she squealed
‘I’ll bite my tongue when he stops biting his nails!’ she squealed.
Fearing the worst, Jake brought in his family to talk to the wife, while he went to find some phone reception to check his Tinder matches.
Miscellaneous uncle #1: ‘You two seem to be having some issues. Is everything okay? I trust his rig is up to your expectations?’
Fearing the worst, Jake brought in his family to talk to the wife. Miscellaneous uncle #1: ‘You two seem to be having some issues. Is everything okay? I trust his rig is up to standard?’
Miscellaneous auntie #1: ‘Great rig!’
Miscellaneous uncle #1: ‘Alright, settle down, that’s your nephew you’re fawning over!’
Miscellaneous auntie #1: ‘Jesus Ron, Can we not do this here, on my attractive nephew’s big day?’
Jake’s Dad: ‘What we’re trying to say, Rebecca, is that we saw you get angry at the way Jake looked at you and we were all like, “what if she’s hard work?”‘
Random family member #2: ‘What we’re trying to say, Rebecca, is that we saw you get angry at the way Jake looked at you and we were all like, “what if she’s hard work?”‘
Rebecca: ‘UM. Hard work!?’
Rebecca: ‘UM. Hard work!?’
Jake’s Mum: ‘Bloody hell Mick, you idiot. Sorry dear, not hard work. High maintenance. We were worried you were high maintenance.’
Rebecca: ‘High f**king maintenance!?’
Seems like foot-in-mouth runs in the family.
Rebecca: ‘Look. I just felt that your son looked at me like a piece of meat when I was walking down the aisle and I don’t appreciate it!’
Random family member #3: ‘Bloody hell Mick, you idiot. Sorry dear, not hard work. High maintenance. We were worried you were high maintenance’
Rebecca: ‘High f**king maintenance!?’ Seems like foot-in-mouth runs in the family.
Jake’s Dad: ‘The thing is Rebecca, Jake takes good care of his meat. He’s very respectful of it. You know, all day in the slow cooker, various rubs and spices – the whole works.’
Jake: ‘Right I’m back, how did we go?’
Rebecca eventually acquiesced to a one-on-one chat with Jake, where she agreed to lower her guard and give this whole thing a chance.
‘My alternative is to go home, and I’m not doing that until I get my bloody Blue Tick!’
Rebecca eventually acquiesced to a one-on-one chat with Jake, where she agreed to lower her guard and give this whole thing a chance: ‘My alternative is to go home, and I’m not doing that until I get my bloody Blue Tick!’
Melissa and Bryce’s wedding
By comparison, the wedding of workplace trainer Melissa and Canberra radio ‘star’ Bryce went off without a hitch
By comparison, the wedding of workplace trainer Melissa and Canberra radio ‘star’ Bryce went off without a hitch.
In a private moment after the ceremony, Melissa admitted she’d only ever had one partner and that she’d never even been on a date.
‘Great!’ Thought Bryce. ‘Now I can take her to the TAB and she won’t have anything to compare it to.’
The only cause for concern came when Melissa discovered Bryce had broken off an engagement just six months before the show, whereas she had only ever had one partner
The only cause for concern came when Melissa discovered Bryce had broken off an engagement just six months before the show.
‘It’s taken me ten years to get over my ex. 6 months doesn’t sound very long,’ she said towards the end of the night.
‘Who said I was over her?’ he replied.
‘It’s taken me ten years to get over my ex. 6 months doesn’t sound very long,’ she said towards the end of the night
‘Who said I was over her?’ he replied