Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally
My brother is suicidal
My twin brother and I have always been extremely close. We are in our 30s and we live together. I work in education and he helps run the family business. He has always suffered from mental health problems and has self-harmed. Since his relationship with his emotionally abusive partner ended last year, these problems have spiralled out of control. He blames himself and it has decimated his self-worth. He is suicidal and has been hospitalised for his own safety, but was not sectioned. He is seeing a psychologist, but he is not open with him. My partner has been a saint, and without him I would be lost. However, he lives and works in another city. I had planned to join him, but my brother’s health has meant that I can’t. My father has left the UK for an extended holiday and my brother is struggling to cope with running the business without him. My mother and stepfather have contributed a huge amount financially to my brother’s care. I love my partner with all my heart and fear that if I don’t make plans to move in with him soon, he will end the relationship. I am completely torn.
This sounds incredibly stressful, but you can’t put your life on hold to look after your brother. Your partner sounds understanding, so you should tell him how much you want to be with him and that you are working towards that. You should both talk to your brother about your concerns, and tell him that you want to live together. Assure your brother that you love him and tell him how much you want him to stay alive. Make him promise to contact the Samaritans when he feels suicidal (samaritans.org, 116 123). Tell him that he was not responsible for the breakdown of his relationship. Because his partner was abusive, he has felt that everything is his fault. Encourage him to be open with his psychologist, who will only see him as ill and desperately in need of help. He should also see his GP for antidepressants. Have his mental health problems been identified? It may be borderline personality disorder, which makes you feel excessively worried about people abandoning you. Can your parents help more emotionally, too? Perhaps you can persuade your father to come home. Suggest that your brother shares a flat with people his own age so that he has a social life and, in time, meets a new partner. You can visit often. Always remember how much you have done for your brother, but also look after yourself.
I fancy my best friend’s husband
I am single and I have lusted after my best friend’s husband for several years. Out of loyalty to my friend, I have not taken things further. Then, a few weeks ago, her husband rang me and said that he would like to meet. I thought that there was something he wanted to talk to me about. They have two young children, who are not the easiest to deal with. But I was excited by the thought of seeing him. We met for coffee and he told me that he had feelings for me and found me attractive. He said that he would like to have an affair and that he would be discreet because he loved his wife and did not want to hurt her. I know that I should not pursue this, but part of me is tempted to say yes.
From my many years of counselling, I know about the devastation that affairs can cause. The agony of thinking about your spouse making love to another woman, the thoughts of secret meetings, the deception involved by someone you love and who you thought loved you. It can wreck a marriage. An affair with your best friend’s husband is even more devastating, because it is a double betrayal. On top of that, you are single and have been attracted to him for some time. You might fall in love with him and want him to leave your friend for you. As he loves his wife and they have children, he is unlikely to do this and you would get very hurt as well. He may even have had other affairs in the past. Please do not destroy your best friend’s life. Read my book To Love, Honour and Betray: Why Affairs Happen and How to Survive Them (£10, Thistle Publishing).
How can I retire in peace?
I am due to retire after 16 years with my current employers. I have built up good working relationships with many people, but the thought of a leaving do with speeches and backslapping fills me with horror. I would like to leave with no fuss at all. I have recently suffered from panic attacks, such is the anxiety that I feel. I appreciate that people may want to wish me well, and I certainly don’t want to offend anyone. Is there a way to achieve a quieter exit?
You sound lovely and well-liked by your colleagues. You could talk to the people who are arranging your leaving party and explain that you would like the chance to say goodbye, but that you can’t face any speeches and would prefer a low-key event. Perhaps they could explain to others that you are anxious about a big send-off and instead would like to organise something simple, such as a party with no speeches. You could even arrange to go for drinks after work where you could say goodbye to people individually, and tell them how much you have enjoyed working with them.
If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email z.west-meads@you.co.uk
Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally