Man whose ghosted ex who became his boss returns

A man who panicked when he found out the girlfriend he had callously left after three years would become his boss is back with an update.

The anonymous man wrote to the website Ask A Manager last month, explaining in a panicked post that a woman he dated for three years and with whom he had moved in before ghosting her was slated to take his current boss’ job.

Now, the man, who works as a teacher at an international school in a foreign country, has detailed his ‘incredibly awkward’ meeting with Sylvia, his ex, as well as with their management, and revealed he ended up resigning on the spot.

Sequel: A man who panicked when he found out the girlfriend he had callously left after three years would become his boss is back with an update on Ask A Manager (pictured)

In his original question to Ask A Manager, the man detailed how his relationship with Sylvia ended a decade ago, after they lived together for two years.

‘Sylvia wanted to settle down but I was not ready to commit so young. We clearly had different expectations from the relationship. I did not know what to do and, well, I ghosted her,’ he wrote in his first message.

‘Over the Christmas break, while she was visiting her family, I simply moved out and left the country.

‘I took advantage of the fact that I accepted a job in other country and did not tell her about it. I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama.’

The man then admitted he shouldn’t have ‘ghosted’ Sylvia, which means suddenly disappearing and dropping contact with someone you’re dating.

‘I understand that this would not have happened if I did not ghost her back then, but I cannot do anything about it now,’ he said.

The man also claimed Sylvia later became ‘obsessed’ with the relationship and tracked him down through talking to family and friends, but they hadn’t spoken for a long time.

That situation shifted when the director of the school where the man worked resigned, after which the man was shocked to learn Sylvia had been picked to replace her.

He said he couldn’t leave the job because there were’t any other suitable schools in the region where he works, meaning he’d have to leave the country to find other employment.

‘I am happy and settled here so do not want to move. To make the situation worse, the expat community here is very small and tightly knit so teachers also socialize a lot,’ he wrote.

The man, however, promptly discovered that his life would have to change drastically upon his reunion with Sylvia.

Cringe-worthy: The man detailed his ‘incredibly awkward’ meeting with his ex and with their management, during which he ended up resigning on the spot (stock picture)

In his update, he pointed out that his ex has done ‘very well for herself’ and relocated purely to grasp the professional opportunity, not to track him down, as some internet users had suggested after reading the first message.

He then said he reached out to Sylvia promptly, like the Ask A Manager experts had advised him to do, but indicated that she did not get back to him. The man also reached out to his Human Resources department to provide the ‘full details’ of the situation, prompting the chair of the overseeing board to ask him to come for a meeting as soon as possible.

It was during that meeting that the man saw Sylvia for the first time since ghosting her.

‘As you can imagine, this meeting was incredibly embarrassing for me, personally and professionally,’ the man wrote in his latest message before pointing out he wasn’t fired due to the past relationship.

‘The chair was more worried about possible gossip and related implications for the organisation,’ the man added.

‘Ours is an expensive enterprise, this is a conservative place and nobody wants any scandal.

‘At the same time, they considered it was necessary – as they framed it – to put some measures in place to avoid possible problems in the future.

‘I was also told in no uncertain terms that although the schedule for the year was already set, it was far more difficult to replace the director than an employee (me).’

According to the man, the measures kept him and Sylvia from talking to each other without a third person present; they would have made it mandatory to keep all meetings documented, and they would have prevented him from discussing Sylvia or the management with his colleagues.

MAN DETAILS AWKWARD MEETING WITH HIS EX-TURNED-BOSS

I admit I wrote my original email in a state of panic. I was on my holidays when I found out and a friend of mine gave me your email. I did not realize my message would be fully replicated on your blog. I am sure you get tons of requests and I thought I would be lucky to get a reply within one of those short scenarios at max. By the time the blog was posted and I was returning home, my initial panic started to dissipate as I found out more about Sylvia’s situation. Just in time to discover the story going viral, both online and offline. I can say that in no way I expected that writing to a very popular but a niche professional blog would result in such Internet s*t storm. I am sorry for not engaging with your readers, but given the toxicity of many commentators, I did not seem much sense in doing it. I am still very much freaked out about the whole experience but since I promised to give you my update, here it is.

Those who blamed me for ruining Sylvia’s life for good were wrong. She has done very well for herself. She is married, with kids and her husband is originally from here. They relocated because of his business opportunity, not because she would be stalking me or would orchestrate this in some elaborate vendetta. It is a crazy coincidence but as some readers pointed out, our professional world can be very small.

I immediately reached out to Sylvia, along the lines of your kind advice and also offered to discuss the way forward in person. Here, I appreciate many useful comments from your readers on what to write. She did not get back to me. I was not sure she was still using her old email address and with a return to school day fast approaching, I re-sent the email to her new work email. I also dropped a short message to the HR, without providing full details. Next morning (Sunday!) I got a call from the chair of our board of overseers, asking me to meet him as soon as possible.

I met with him, together with Sylvia, the same day. As you can imagine, this meeting was incredibly embarrassing for me, personally and professionally. Fortunately, unlike some of your readers hope, they did not think the past failed relationship was a sackable offence. At the end, there is not that much interaction between the director and employees on daily basis. The chair was more worried about possible gossip and related implications for the organisation. Ours is an expensive enterprise, this is a conservative place and nobody wants any scandal. At the same time, they considered it was necessary – as they framed it – to put some measures in place to avoid possible problems in the future. I was also told in no uncertain terms that although the schedule for the year was already set, it was far more difficult to replace the director than an employee (me). I do not want to go into too much details but I found the proposed measures rather excessive. It would make my position unattainable, even in a short run. Therefore I resigned on the spot. My resignation was later accepted.

In a summary, as many of those self-righteous people on the Internet hoped, I came out of this with no job, no severance and no prospect for another job in this city. Obviously, I have to leave as I need to make a living. I will be shortly moving back home for several months to work as a substitute teacher, with an agency. I will see what next later. So I had my comeuppance. I am most certainly not asking for pity. I only wish there were not other individuals bearing the blunt of my immaturity in the past. (My partner cannot join me due to visa issue and family situation.)

I wrote back and asked if he’d share how Sylvia seemed, as well as what measures they’d proposed. He said:

I do not know how it was for Sylvia. I have not seen her since. She seemed fine. She was not gleeful, very matter of fact, saying it was possible to work together and etc. The chair did most of the talking. I found out later that her husband comes from a prominent family here, everyone knows them. Nepotism is prevalent in this culture and family status really matters. The chair knows them. I just do not understand why she had to get him involved. We could have tried to sort this out between us first, no need to go to the top immediately.

The measures included things like we are never to talk to each other without a third person present, all meetings documented, no discussion about her and the management with my colleagues, not even in watercooler chat, limit our interactions beyond the school, meaning no socialising for me. I do not understand how this could work. It would be very much out of character for me and my colleagues and friends would get suspicious. Although not presented at such, it felt very punitive.

As you said in your initial response, it was unlikely it would somehow work out. It is very difficult to come to terms with it. The Internet craze just added an extra bizzare layer to it.

Source: Ask A Manager

He would also have had to limit his interactions with his ex outside of the school, which he claimed would have limited his socializing with colleagues.

‘I do not understand how this could work. It would be very much out of character for me and my colleagues and friends would get suspicious. Although not presented at such, it felt very punitive,’ he wrote.

The proposed measures apparently made it impossible for the man to carry on doing his job, which is why he opted to resign immediately.

‘I do not want to go into too much details but I found the proposed measures rather excessive. It would make my position unattainable, even in a short run. Therefore I resigned on the spot. My resignation was later accepted,’ he added.

The teacher explained that he now finds himself jobless and without any prospect of employment in his current city, which he is thus forced to leave.

He intends to move back home shortly to work as a substitute teacher with an agency. His current partner, he said, cannot come with him due to a ‘visa issue’ and ‘family situation’.

Ask A Manager wrote back to ask more about Sylvia, to which the man responded: ‘I do not know how it was for Sylvia. I have not seen her since. She seemed fine. She was not gleeful, very matter of fact, saying it was possible to work together and etc. The chair did most of the talking.’

He did, however, add that he has since found out Sylvia’s husband comes from a ‘prominent’ family and that everyone in their area knows them.

‘Nepotism is prevalent in this culture and family status really matters. The chair knows them. I just do not understand why she had to get him involved. We could have tried to sort this out between us first, no need to go to the top immediately,’ he added.

Reflecting on the original situation, the man admitted that chances were slim from the beginning that it would work out in his favor, adding: ‘It is very difficult to come to terms with it.’

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