Tracey Cox reveals the shocking things people STILL don’t know about sex 

The first time I had sex, I was astonished to discover it involved movement.

I knew all about clitorises and orgasms (my big sister worked at Family Planning) but boy did I get a shock when my boyfriend started thrusting. Somehow, I’d imagined that once in, you both just kind of lay there, clamped together.

I’m not the only one who has grown up with a misguided impression of what happens during sex. I know this because I’ve been writing about the topic for decades and, believe me, I’ve heard it all.

Some misconceptions about sex are cute (believing babies are delivered by storks when you’re little); others not so much (all grown up and thinking all women enjoy being choked because that’s the norm in porn). Myths can make us believe there’s something wrong with us when there isn’t or leave us convinced that we’re somehow getting sex ‘wrong’.

Why this continuing sexual ignorance in an age when you can google a sex ‘fact’ and find out if it’s right in seconds? Because people are so convinced what they believe is true, it really doesn’t occur to them to check.

Parents still don’t talk to their kids about sex, forcing most to learn about it from equally clueless friends. Thinking you’ll learn all you need to know from porn is both foolish and dangerous and comprehensive sex education is still not the norm in most countries. Considering a lot of people feel uncomfortable talking with their partners about sex, you can’t even count on getting accurate sex information from each other.

An awful lot gets left to our imaginations. Which is why there are still so many people who still believe things like…

THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU DON’T ORGASM THROUGH INTERCOURSE 

This is in the No 1 spot for a reason: it’s the myth that both men and women refuse to give up on.

Men want to believe that they can ‘give’ a woman an orgasm using just their penis; women are brain-washed from very young to think that’s how women orgasm because that’s what we read in books, see in movies and watch on TV.

The reality is – and we have known this for more than 2000 years, by the way! – is that only 20 per cent of women can orgasm purely through penetration.

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you if you can’t climax through intercourse: you’re the majority not minority.

Orgasms happen when our clitoris is stimulated and – rather unhelpfully – the most sensitive part (the tip) is situated outside the vagina not inside.

SIMULTANEOUS ORGASMS ARE COMMON 

A bit like intercourse orgasms, couples nearly always come together when we see sex depicted.

The reality is very few couples manage to orgasm at the same time. For a start, orgasms last mere seconds – a minute or two if you are very lucky – and that’s hard to synchronise. Secondly, men tend to orgasm during intercourse and women have most of their partner orgasms during oral sex. Difficult to do both at once, wouldn’t you agree?

Rather than waste time devising intricate ways of getting him to speed up and her slow down, most sensible couples give into having ‘take turn’ orgasms so you can both relax and enjoy fully.

British sex expert shares some common misconceptions about sex (pictured Tracey Cox)

YOU’RE BORN KNOWING HOW TO ORGASM  

If you’re a man, that’s not far off the mark. It’s pretty difficult not to touch your penis while showering, most boys discover that feels nice very quickly – and that pulling on it deliberately feels even better.

For women, this often isn’t the case.

Some follow the same process as men do – touch themselves or rub against something when very young with a pleasant surprise at the end. But lots are encouraged not to masturbate, and plenty grow up not realising that for orgasm to happen, you need to stimulate the clitoris not inside the vagina.

The good news is there’s lots of information out there on how to achieve orgasm. Not so good is that plenty of women don’t realise it’s simply technique skills that they’re lacking in order for it to happen.

IF YOUR PARTNER LOVES YOU, THEY’LL KNOW HOW TO MAKE YOU HAPPY IN BED 

You’d be amazed the number of sexually savvy people who believe this to be true.

While love is an amazing emotion, it can’t mindread what your partner is desperately wanting you to do to them at any given time, mood and situation.

I could cheerfully murder people who say to me, ‘But if I have to tell them what I want, it ruins the moment’. It might ruin THAT moment (though there’s absolutely no reason why it should if you give simple, clear, sensitive instruction) but it’s sure as hell going to help with future ‘moments’ if your partner is finally brought up to speed on what does it for you.

IF YOU HAVE SEX TOO SOON, HE WON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP 

In your grandparent’s day, this might well have been the case.

Today, it’s pretty much accepted that women enjoy sex as much as men and are just as capable at separating sex from love.

So long as both of you share the same morals and are open to it developing into something serious, having sex on the first date needn’t be a relationship killer.

I know at least three couples who’ve been married for more than a decade and had sex the first night they met.

WATCHING PORN IS CHEATING 

There are lots of ways we can be unfaithful to our partners but watching a bit of porn now and then isn’t one of them.

If the person watching it isn’t interacting with the people on screen (live cam sex is another story), nearly all experts believe it does not qualify as infidelity.

Neither does having a fantasy about someone: sleeping with someone in your head is not the same as physically having sex with them in your bed.

For most of us, porn is a meaningless sexual indulgence: a ‘bit of fun’ and a way of experiencing variety without cheating in real life.

As long as both of you share the same morals and are open to it developing into something serious, having sex on the first date needn’t be a relationship killer (stock image)

IF A MAN DOESN’T HAVE AN ERECTION, HE DOESN’T FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE 

While having an erection is a sign of arousal, not having one doesn’t mean a man isn’t aroused.

For lots of men, sex is an anxious business. Performance anxiety – worrying they won’t measure up to expectations during sex – is common. Yet the more nervous he is about getting an erection, the less likely it is to happen. Ironically, a lot of men who don’t usually have issues, find they can’t get an erection with people they are extremely attracted to or are particularly desperate to impress, purely because their anxiety levels are so high.

Too much alcohol can cause erection difficulties, so can feeling depressed, stressed or certain medications.

An erect penis isn’t a guarantee a man is attracted to you, as an individual, anyway. It simply means he feels like having sex.

Here’s another unhelpful sex belief that’s widely believed with no basis…

NEEDING LUBRICATING MEANS A WOMAN ISN’T TURNED ON 

The type of men who believe this also write to tell me that using lube during sex is ‘cheating’ and ‘wrong’ and shame their partners for wanting to do so.

So many things affect whether we can get ‘wet’ or not when we’re aroused: too much alcohol the night before, where we’re at in our menstrual cycle, medication (cold and flu tablets don’t just dry up your nose), whether we’re dehydrated, stressed, anxious, going through menopause or hormonal.

In short, you can feel as turned on as hell and still not lubricate.

Let’s ditch this one for all our sakes, shall we?

IF YOU’RE A VIRGIN AFTER 18, THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU 

You’re not attractive enough. Not worldly enough. A bit awkward. A geek.

Not true.

The reality is many popular, highly desirable people don’t lose their virginity until later in life. Could be you haven’t found a partner yet and aren’t a fan of casual sex. You had other things to deal with like problems at home or bullying or not feeling confident or studying like mad to pass exams. Two years of Covid means you can add two years onto the age when a lot of today’s teenagers would have first had sex.

While you might find it a source of excruciating embarrassment when you’re young, more people regret having sex too early than they do too late.

The later you leave losing your virginity, the better your choice of who to lose it with generally is.

IF A MAN ENJOYS ANAL STIMULATION IT MEANS HE’S GAY 

The popularity of ‘pegging’ – essentially a straight woman penetrating her boyfriend anally with a strap-on dildo – proved this little chestnut is doing the rounds.

Truth is, there are many super-sensitive nerve endings inside the rectum as well as the prostate gland, the male ‘G-spot’.

Liking your girlfriend putting a finger up your bottom just before orgasm doesn’t make you gay; wishing it was a man doing it might.

ALL WOMEN SECRETLY PREFER A BIG PENIS 

The real truth is most women secretly prefer an average size penis.

Large penises often cause women pain not pleasure, especially if the owner thinks being ‘blessed’ with one means he doesn’t have to perfect other skills like being adept with his fingers or tongue.

The majority of women don’t orgasm through penetration alone so penis size is irrelevant if we’re talking about ‘satisfying’ a woman.

Or making her happy. People don’t fall in love with body bits, they fall in love with the person they’re attached to.

The majority of women don’t orgasm through penetration alone so penis size is irrelevant if we’re talking about ‘satisfying’ a woman

YOU CAN GET PREGNANT FROM SWALLOWING SPERM 

Sperm are clever little buggers and can wriggle their way past all sorts of obstacles, but they haven’t quite figured out how to dodge major organs like hearts and lungs to get to the bit where they can fertilise an egg.

HAVING SEX INCREASES YOUR RISK OF A HEART ATTACK 

This one’s interesting.

A study by the American College of Cardiology of more than 500 heart patients (aged 30 to 70) found having sex was not a risk factor in subsequent heart attacks.

Unless you’re having sex with someone you shouldn’t be, that is.

A subsequent study found men were more likely to have a fatal heart attack during sex, when having it with someone other than their wives.

A good reason not to cheat on your partner – though the main takeaway is sex is highly unlikely to cause cardiac problems and any exercise is good for the heart.

OLDER PEOPLE DON’T HAVE SEX 

Yes, there are problems that impact your sex life as you get older but you simply adapt to it. You don’t give up reading when your eyesight gets weaker with age: you buy some glasses.

The main problems that affect our sex lives as we age are vaginal dryness (causing painful sex for women) and erectile dysfunction for men.

Both are solvable with comparatively little effort.

There’s a reason why my latest book is called ‘Great Sex Starts at 50’: sex isn’t just possible after 50, it often gets better (especially for women).

Plenty of studies report older people being highly satisfied with sex. Recent UK research found 73 per cent of people ages 65-80 are satisfied with their sex lives.

Post 80 as well: I interviewed at least a dozen women who were enjoying sex into their 80s for my book.

For more myth-breaking information about sex, listen to Tracey’s podcast, SexTok, that comes out on Tuesdays. You’ll find a link on traceycox.com.