Q I’m in my mid-40s and have been lonely for virtually all my life. I feel I have missed out on so much: dating, marriage, children and other things that bring purpose and happiness. I do have a few friends, but I’m usually the one who is asked to go to their child’s school play or the garden centre for a quick coffee. That’s when I hear about what they’ve been doing with their other friends and family, all the experiences from which I’m excluded.
An anonymous woman says she has missed out on a lot life because she is alone. She reveals that she often thinks about ending her own life and is ashamed
I have tried to be positive. I never turn down an invitation and I’m always happy to comply with what others want. But, as the years go on, I feel myself slowly retreating. I have fewer interests and less energy to do things. Sometimes I feel it would be easier to just disappear as it seems less painful. I often think about ending my life but am too much of a coward to do so.
No one has ever really wanted to get to know me better
I have to live with the knowledge that no one has ever really wanted to get to know me better. I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel – there is too much shame. I tried to see my doctor, but he just sent me a text with a website link that discussed ways to improve my mental wellbeing.
A I am so glad you’ve written to me – I know what courage it must have taken. Firstly, I’m very concerned about your suicidal thoughts. So please, if you feel you are about to harm yourself, get immediate help. Call Samaritans on 116 123, the Campaign Against Living Miserably on 0800 585858, or go to A&E. There is even a suicide prevention app called StayAlive.
You say you can’t talk to anyone because there is too much shame attached, but there is no shame to having a mental health problem. Please also ask to see a different doctor because you need antidepressants – as well as talking therapy. For the latter you don’t have to go through your GP: the Mind website has helpful advice on this (see mind.org.uk and search ‘How to find a therapist’).
With support, you can find that life is very much worth living
Depression is a vicious cycle: the more depressed you are, the less you feel like doing and the more isolated you become.
Because you’ve felt lonely all your life, I suspect there may be other issues. For instance, maybe your parents didn’t make you feel valued as a child, or perhaps there was a family trauma.
If you feel that you’ve never fitted in, it might also be worth investigating the possibility of undiagnosed autism (see autism.org.uk). Sometimes women are particularly good at masking this and can struggle for years as a result, when in fact they just need help understanding themselves better.
Please do not give up on yourself. With the right support, you can find that life is very much worth living. See also redcross.org.uk and campaigntoendloneliness.org for further help.
Should I meet the friend who betrayed me?
Q Nearly 23 years ago, I discovered that my now ex-husband was having an affair with a woman in my friendship group who was single. I tried to forgive him and make the marriage work, but it turned out that this was the first of his many affairs – something I only found out when we divorced 17 years later.
I am now happy in a new relationship. Recently, I received a letter from the woman, who I’ve had nothing to do with since that time, saying she has discovered her husband has been unfaithful and realises how much she hurt me.
She is full of regret and asked if we could meet. I have no wish to see her but a mutual friend says that I should. Am I churlish to refuse?
A No, I don’t think you are, but it’s not really about whether you’re right or wrong, it’s whether this would help you. While it can be good to forgive someone who has caused hurt, mainly because holding on to anger can affect our mental health, how far we take this is open to question.
Priority should be given to the need to protect ourselves from further pain. I’m sure that (as you say in your longer letter) your mutual friend is right: maybe this woman has changed and wants to make amends. This would undoubtedly make her feel better, but that should not be your concern.
The only reason that you should meet is if it makes you feel better. It might, but then again it could just stir up old wounds. So I suggest writing back to thank her for her apology. Say you wish her well and that you’re sorry to hear her marriage is ending but add, politely and firmly, that you don’t feel meeting would achieve anything.
- If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally
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