Cheating is common – at least 20 per cent of couples are thought to be unfaithful to their spouses.
Being forgiven for cheating is not easy – but even then, many people whose partner forgives them mistrust the signals from their partners and don’t really believe they’re forgiven, according to a new study.
When people don’t think they’re forgiven, they overcompensate, perhaps by being more attentive, buying gifts or doing other things that they expect their partner will appreciate.
Researchers found that underestimating the degree of forgiveness is probably an evolutionary mechanism, as the relationship might be in danger. ‘The cost could be high if you think you are forgiven, but really are not,’ says Mons Bendixen, a co-author of the research
The study, conducted by researchers at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU), involved surveying both partners in 92 heterosexual couples about how they perceive and react to the distress of emotional and sexual infidelity.
The researchers found that underestimating the degree of forgiveness is probably an evolutionary mechanism, as the relationship might be in danger.
‘The cost could be high if you think you are forgiven, but really are not,’ says Mons Bendixen in the Department of Psychology.
‘You might not work hard enough to mend the relationship.’
As such, forgiven partners overcompensate because it is better to be safe than sorry and to make a little extra effort rather than do too little.
In this case, it can be advantageous to be wrong, as is explained by the error management theory, which explains why errors lead us to act.
When interpreting signals, we can make one of two false assumptions: we can believe that something exists even if it doesn’t, and we can believe that something doesn’t exist even if it does.
But from an evolutionary perspective, it’s a question of which errors are more adaptable.
‘An example is men who think women are interested in sex, even though the women’s intention is just to be nice,’ says Bendixen.
‘The most important thing for men in situations like this is not to miss a sexual opportunity.’
The researchers also found that most partners aren’t particularly intent on getting revenge or seeing their partner suffer after they’ve cheated.
While this doesn’t mean that this never happens, the probability is still the same for both sexes.
Instead of wanting revenge, most partners are more likely to pull away and want to keep some distance.
‘Partners want the infidelity to have a cost, but will rarely respond by being unfaithful themselves,’ says evolutionary psychologist Trond Viggo Grøntvedt in NTNU’s Department of Public Health and Nursing.
There is also no difference between the sexes when it comes to whether they would break up with the unfaithful partner or not.
The researchers found that the sexes agree on a lot when it comes to infidelity, but with one exception: emotional infidelity.
‘Men often do not understand how hard emotional infidelity is on women,’ says Professor Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair in the Department of Psychology.
While sexual infidelity strongly affects both men and women and neither men nor women usually find it acceptable for their partner to have sex outside the marriage, the same is not true of emotional cheating.
Most partners aren’t intent on getting revenge or seeing their partner suffer after they’ve cheated. While this doesn’t mean this never happens, the probability is the same for both sexes. Instead of revenge, most partners are more likely to want to keep some distance
Imagine a hypothetical scenario where you meet someone at a party and dance and flirt with that person, and then you later meet that person multiple times without telling your partner, but you don’t have sex.
Then, a friend of your partner find out, and even says that you look like you’re in love. Is this wrong?
According to the researchers, women find this scenario much worse than men do.
‘Many men do not see this as infidelity at all, since they did not have sex with the other woman,’ said Kennair.
Men who are confronted with emotional infidelity do not necessarily think that they have done anything wrong.
As a result, they don’t attempt to make up for anything, at least not as much as if they had been sexually unfaithful, and this doesn’t benefit the relationship.
‘It can also be a seed for conflict in the relationship,’ says Kennair.
At the same time, men are more likely to forgive this form of infidelity in their spouse, and men have less need to distance themselves from their partner than women do.
According to the researchers, this matches up with psychologists’ predictions.
Previously, they investigated jealousy reactions in women and men around the suspicion of imminent infidelity.
This makes sense in the context of evolutionary theory of parental investment – for most women, it’s historically and evolutionarily been worse for them if their partner breaks up than it has been for most men.
As such, becoming emotionally attached to someone has been more threatening to women than to men.
Men who are confronted with emotional infidelity do not necessarily think that they have done anything wrong. As a result, they don’t attempt to make up for anything, at least not as much as if they had been sexually unfaithful, and this doesn’t benefit the relationship