BEL MOONEY: Should I accept that my husband children’s will never like me?

Dear Bel,

Although my husband and I have been together for 20 years, his two daughters have never accepted me, and for the last six years have refused any contact with me. 

They told untruths, made unfair allegations – despite us both offering olive branches on numerous occasions. But he will be celebrating his 80th birthday very soon, and much to our surprise they have agreed to meet up for lunch. 

I have booked a restaurant that I felt will be suitable for us all, including 3 teenage boys.

However, as the time is drawing near, I am wondering if it would be wise for me to attend. I know my husband would desperately want me there, but in my heart of hearts I feel that it would be more relaxing for everyone if I stay away. 

18 months ago we attended his sister’s 80th birthday barbecue, and I was totally ignored by them. This situation this time would be even more awkward as we will all be sitting around a table together for a few hours. 

Part of me thinks I should just spend the day with my son or daughter and their families. Or should I go, hold my head high and act as though their cruel, unbelievable behaviour doesn’t bother me in the slightest?

MARY

Twenty years! I’m tempted to think there must be a reason buried back in those days, perhaps to do with their parents’ marriage, your meeting with their father, how the relationship developed… who knows? 

Well, of course, (ital) you (ital) do… unless it’s the case that the two women simply dislike you for no reason at all. Which can happen. But holding on to a particular grudge or generalised animosity after so long is pointless and sad – even if very common (tragically so) within families.

Since it is your husband’s 80th birthday and he ‘desperately wants’ you to be at the lunch, it seems to me you have two options. But neither of them means staying away as you propose. 

Life is very short (I reach for that cliché all the time, with good reason) and your husband’s wishes matter more than anything else. You will have told him how you feel and I hope he has been encouraging. 

So the first option is indeed to ‘hold your head high’ and make up your mind to make the lunch work. Since there are teenagers there the gathering is already diluted, which always helps.

Who suggested the lunch? If the thought came from you and your husband then it is very much (ital) your (ital) party, so take change. So the second (and best) option is to extend the gathering. 

Why about inviting his sister too? Other relatives? Your husband’s step-children – i.e. your own offspring? But if that last one wouldn’t work, then does he have a male friend (or two) he has known most of his life? 

The more people there are around that lunch table, the less you have to interact with the two daughters who refuse to accept your presence in his life.

Dear Bel

My husband Ben and his sister Sophie had very different childhoods. Sophie was the favourite and over the years, Ben had many plans cancelled so his parents could spend time with Sophie (and later, her husband and her child). 

She was always expected to be successful but Ben wasn’t.

We live on another continent now – with successful careers, our own home and three beautiful children. The only time the family visited – over ten years ago – we sensed a jealousy from Sophie and her husband as Ben had achieved so much. 

The last time we visited Ben’s parents, they spent more time with Sophie and her family (around the corner) than with us! Since then both parents have died and relations between the two siblings have been strained. 

Any contact is usually initiated by Ben.

Sophie and her husband have one child and called us last spring to say they were expecting their second. Sadly, last month their child was stillborn. 

Despite the strain and the distance we are devastated for them as we know how excited they were to be having another baby. 

My question is – how can we support them when we don’t live close enough to offer practical support?

ELLEN

Isn’t it true that such a sad loss puts all the other little annoyances into perspective? You sent a much longer letter as well as this edited version (thank you for that thoughtfulness) yet the more information about the family history I had, the less everything mattered in comparison with the current grief of two parents whose dream of cuddling that second baby are shattered. 

They will be feeling desperately unhappy, bewildered – and no doubt missing the loving support of the grandparents who lived so near. When your baby is stillborn you slowly begin to realise that the ache in your heart will never go away.

You can also feel angry and direct that anger at doctors, family, friends… To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sophie’s envy of her brother is made worse by grief. 

As time passes she may resent the fact that you have three children, just as she and her husband seek for reasons for the stillbirth and cope with their feelings about trying again. I only mention this so you may be forewarned. 

You live so far away that interaction is likely to lessen even more as years pass. It will depend on how strong and generous Ben is.

If they have a funeral for the baby it would, of course, be good if Ben could attend, although with your three children it might not be possible for you all to go. hat you can do is to make sure that Sophie and her husband are fully aware of the good work done by two charities, SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Trust) and The Compassionate Friends. 

As Founder-Patron of the former I can assure you of the brilliant work it does, with local groups all over the UK. And over the years many readers have written to me full of praise for CF. 

Please make sure you study the websites of both charities, look at the forums and discover what reading material is available, so you are equipped to suggest real support for Sophie and her husband, even if you are not present to offer it yourselves. 

But also make sure you to write to them, full of deepest sympathy, because that really does matter.

Dear Bel

I live in the UK, my parents and brother live as neighbours in Brazil on my dad’s plot of land. My older brother has always been a bully, able to cow my parents into compliance in order to keep him from getting angry. 

This has resulted in them swapping their larger home for his smaller home and even buying my brother’s old car only for him to use it more than they do. Each time they made these decisions despite my advice not to do so. My parents are in their 70s and have only small pensions.

I send a few hundred pounds to help them out each month. But there is a legal issue for both their properties that requires £2k of payments to be paid to a solicitor in legal fees, and about 10 times that for the actual settlement. 

My brother says they are to pay the solicitor’s fee. I only discovered this by accident.

They do not want me to intervene as my brother would fall out with me and they don’t want that, yet I am frustrated. I’d speak to my brother but know that even if I were to anger him by defending my parents, they would revert to complying after my intervention and we would be no further forward. 

Other than turning off the payments and forcing them to face their lack of funds and ability to pay these bills, I am at a loss as to what I can do? What do you suggest?

LUCAS

You are the second reader this week (see Mary) to send two versions of the same letter, one very long, the other concise and ready for print. It’s very helpful. 

What’s more, your English partner Andrew wrote too, indicating just how much this family problem is worrying you. Also like Mary, you are living far away which makes it so hard (no – impossible) to address the complicated issue in any hands-on way.

Your longer letter offered chapter and verse of your brother’s high-handed methods and the way he has – to the outsider – cowed and manipulated your parents. They probably love him very much and have grown to depend on his presence in their lives, which explains how the patterns of behaviour came to be set years ago, especially since you left. 

What’s more, your brother has two children, which will matter hugely to them. I’m sure they talk between themselves of ways in which they can help make the future secure for beloved grandchildren.

I understand why you are angry with your brother, but sympathise with your parents’ wish for a peaceful life. If you resent the fact that your brother is, in effect, exploiting your generosity, then perhaps you should invent a small financial glitch here that makes you stop your payments for a few months. 

I’d calmly let your brother know that just for a while, support of your parents will be down to him.

 And finally…

Thank you so much for all your positive New Year greetings, praise for the column, and also the many helpful answers in response to last week’s main letter from ‘Jan’ – who feels so very alone and can see no alternative. 

You sent many suggestions, like volunteering for example, as a way of meeting people. Living in sheltered housing was another practical suggestion to counter the fear of dying alone.

Of course, Jane did emphasise that she does have social contacts, but for her loneliness is a deep internal state. Many readers suggested she get a dog, as the best company in the world, and ‘the dog walking community is lovely.’ 

Older people worried about what will happen to a dog were they do fall ill should look up the work of The Cinnamon Trust. Naturally I agree with all that, but have to add that not everybody loves dogs as much as I do!

One or two readers thought me unsympathetic, like BG for example: ‘Like your correspondent, I have absolutely no interest in other people’s grandchildren, which people these days seem to want to talk about endlessly. 

Yes it IS hard – nay, impossible – to show an interest in people’s grandchildren. I therefore avoid meeting people whose conversation I know will bore me to tears, and stick to those with whom I know I will have a good conversation about a variety of subjects and plenty of laughs. 

I do understand how Jan feels, and to be honest I don’t think your advice to her is very helpful. We don’t all want to hear endless boring stories and see hundreds of photos of other people’s grandchildren.’

Fair enough. But I’ll be equally and honest and say when I receive grumpy letters I sometimes wonder how the writers manage to co-exist with others in the real world. My equation was pretty simple: if you show an interest in other people then they are more likely to show an interest in you. Nobody will ever persuade me that’s not true.