Relationship expert reveals why we love break-up songs

There’s nothing quite like a sensational break-up song to stir something emotionally primal within us.

This month Shakira topped Spotify’s Top 50 Global chart with the ‘diss track’ about her ex Gerard Pique and his new girlfriend – and days later Miley Cyrus threw the world in a frenzy when she appeared to take a swipe at ex-husband Liam Hemsworth in her new song Flowers – with the track released on his birthday.

But why do we revel in the musical drama of it all? It turns out, there’s more to it than a catchy chorus and delightfully shady lyrics.

Relationship expert Kate Mansfield spoke to FEMAIL about why the raw, often cutting tracks ‘reassure’ us – and even help with ’embracing our pain’.

‘Music activates memory and enhances our mood, or even acts a way to soothe us when needed,’ she revealed. ‘Listening to break up songs can empower us and actually fast track our healing, by giving us a sense of identification.’

Kate says that this is because it’s reassuring to know that even the famous suffer from heartbreak – and hence serves to validate our own experiences as universal, helping us feel less alone.

We can process the pain through lyrics and use the music as ‘catharsis, to transmute our sadness and suffering into power’. 

Moreover, while many would try and minimise the pain they feel while going through a break-up, Kate explains that music can be a catalyst to address negative emotions.

Days later Miley Cyrus (pictured) appeared to take a swipe at ex-husband Liam Hemsworth in her new song Flowers – with the track released on his birthday

‘We are wired to avoid and to get busy, bravely smile over the hurt and to get on with life,’ she said.

‘Music is often a much needed trigger to help us embrace our pain and sad feelings that can actually serve you best, because you are not just burying it, you are dealing with it and will therefore be able to move on much more quickly.’

The expert added that it’s not just the bars and melodies – we also bask in the public nature of celebrities being vocal on their pain.

Relationship expert Kate Mansfield spoke to FEMAIL about why the raw, often cutting tracks ‘reassure’ us – and even help with ’embracing our pain’ (stock image)

‘Basking in celeb drama can help us to feel better about our own relationships, especially break ups because we don’t feel so alone,’ Kate said. ‘And it helps us to perhaps overcome a feeling of not being good enough.

‘It’s fine for a brief moment, but basking in someone else’s misfortune and pain is not a positive energy and not recommended as a long term strategy.’

And it’s possible there’s an even more technical explanation behind it all. A 2020 paper from academic journal NeuroImage revealed that participants who listened to moving music showed greater synchronisation between the various emotional networks of our brain.

According to the Harvard Medical School site, the only other time this takes place on such a scale is when we participate in social activities – said to improve our memory and keep our minds sharp.

Listening to sad music in particular has also been linked to increasing empathy in yourself and those around you – hence making painful experience feel inherently less lonely – and the release of the hormone prolactin, often associated with crying and the processing of grief, Psychology Today reports.