DEAR JANE: My husband is messaging a BDSM domme behind my back

Dear Jane,

I’m 41 years old and have been married to my husband for 16 years. I’ve known for many years he has various kinks in the bedroom, mostly light BDSM, with his focus being on submission. 

I’ve tried to get into it but it’s not really my thing.

The trouble is at the beginning of December I noticed he was messaging someone on his phone. I could see pink messages so I knew it wasn’t WhatsApp/Facebook or texts and in the weeks that followed he always had his phone on him, and I caught him sending messages on a number of occasions.

Long story short I was able to access his phone and found he was on an app called Fetlife, messaging a 35-year-old domme who lives somewhere near us.

On one hand I was angry and upset, but on the other I understood his need to feed his fantasy, and hoped that it wouldn’t be anything more than messages. 

I used it as a reason to try again to be the dominant he so craves, and to be honest I’m getting into it this time around. But he’s still messaging her, and exchanging photos! I’m devastated! I don’t think he would meet up with this woman, but I keep looking at his messages each night, just to know what’s happening. I hoped if I fed his desires he would stop the messages.

Do you think I should confront him? Part of me wants to speak up about it, but in a strange way part of me wants to let him have his fetish fix! Help!

From, Potential Domme in Idaho 

Dear Potential Domme,

It is a bit of a pickle you have gotten yourself into, and there is much to parse out here. 

There’s the whole fetish thing, which you seem to have been brilliant about supporting. Then there is the texting other women thing, which is a terrible betrayal. And – finally – there is the secret reading of his texts. No wonder you’re struggling.

Oof. I feel for you. I remember once finding photos of a beautiful blonde woman on my boyfriend’s phone, and it felt like being punched in the stomach. I knew that they weren’t ‘just friends’, however much he tried to profess otherwise, and my female intuition turned out to be correct. 

I don’t know whether you are feeling the same gut punch, but there is no question that spending time, even online, with another woman, and exchanging photos when you are in a committed relationship, is a betrayal, and you are right to be confused, and upset.

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You have a right to know what’s going on. Which means that yes, you do have to confront him. You don’t need me to tell you you’ve behaved badly in doing the terrible thing by reading his texts. 

We’ve all done it, all felt enormous guilt about it and right now, your own guilt and shame has got you at an impasse. 

The only way forward I can see is to come clean and confess, then immediately dive in to an open honest conversation about what on earth has been going on, and what he is doing, if anything, with the woman online. 

I’m assuming nothing has happened, but of course if it turns out something has, that may bring up a whole different set of questions. If we assume he is just exploring, you then need to discuss what each of you likes and wants in bed, and how you are going to achieve it. 

You need to be very clear about what you want, and what you are comfortable with, and set those parameters. Find out exactly what he wants from the domme he’s talking to and figure out how you feel about that. Often, sexual intercourse isn’t part of the Domme and Sub relationship. You need to find out more to figure out what you can, and want to, live with.

Whether or not you join him in the BDSM world is far less relevant than the two of you being transparent and open with one another about exactly what you need in bed, what the other is comfortable with, and how you are going to achieve it.

And, what exactly he has been doing behind your back? It may be nothing more than texting, but it needs to stop. This is the most troublesome part of this letter, and you need to be very clear about it not happening again. Secrets, I’m afraid, are a sickness in relationships, not good for anyone.

Apologize for reading the texts, ask what’s going on, and be clear that you’re not bringing this up to make him feel guilty or to berate him for keeping secrets. The two of you need to find a way to navigate this together. You end by saying a part of you wants to let him have his fetish fix. Tell him that. Ask him to work with you on figuring out how he can get what he needs without the secrecy in a way where both of you can be comfortable. 

I wish you luck, and fun.

Dear Jane,

When my son first brought home my daughter-in-law, we loved each other. She was cute, and fun, and we became instant friends. 

Her own mother died when she was young, and I have tried hard to be a mother figure for her. At first, she seemed to love it, but as soon as she had her first child, a boy, she changed. 

Now she seems to resent everything I do, and never wants my grandson or son to see me unless their babysitter cancels. 

I have done so many nice things for her – I buy her gifts, treat them all if we go out for a meal, buy my grandson toys all the time, things they would never buy because they are so expensive, and always compliment her on everything, but it just seems to push her further away. Now she completely ignores me in our family group chat. I am in so much pain about this and don’t know what to do.

Love, Pained Grandma in Oregon

Dear Pained Grandma,

As a daughter-in-law and (hopefully at some point) future-mother-in-law, I understand exactly how painful this is, not just for you, but likely your daughter-in-law, and probably your son, as well.

It’s a tough relationship, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law one. I say this as a mother of three boys who are fast approaching marriageable age. 

I adore their girlfriends, and also recognize that the minute I become a mother-in-law, it’s probably going to be sticky. It is hard, and rare, to get it right.

I see what good intentions you have – buying things, treating them in restaurants. 

But I can’t help but wonder whether stepping in to try and fill the gap her own mother has left is the single worst thing you can do. You have tried too hard. 

Your bending over backwards has been too much for this young woman. In short, you need to stop trying so hard and start being natural. Not the version of you who is desperately trying to be loved, but the version who is happy enough in her own skin to not need their daughter-in-law to adore her. It’s a sad fact of life that the more needy we are, the more we push others away.

Of course, you must start by talking to her. Ask if you have done anything to offend, tell her you want to try and respect her boundaries and figure out how to have a friendly relationship. 

Ask her what she would like your role to be, and listen to what she has to say. She may say everything’s fine, but whatever the outcome of that conversation, you need to stop making such an effort. Did you hear me loud and clear? I know this doesn’t come naturally but stop trying so hard. It’s very clear is that you cannot force, or buy your way into a relationship with her.

She isn’t looking for you to be her mother, and it is not your job to step into that role. So I reiterate, as hard as this may be, Grandma, stop buying her gifts, stop paying for their meals, in essence, stop turning yourself into her doormat. 

You’ve tried buying her love, you’ve tried babysitting for her love, and neither have worked, so stop, and start looking after yourself. Your job is to be kind, and friendly, and warm, without being overpowering or overstepping.

The law of physics dictates that as soon as one person changes their behavior, the other’s behavior has to change. If you fill your own life with things that make you happy outside of your grandchildren, I guarantee things will get better. 

Be there when needed, try and establish a day a week or a regular time when you can see your grandson, but otherwise, leave her alone. I suspect that the minute you back off, she will start approaching you

And most importantly, get off the group chat. Ask your son to update you if there is information you need, but staying on a chat where you are constantly looking to see if you will be dismissed, will only cause more pain.

You seem to be a wonderful person, Grandma, and I hope you surround yourself with people who appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness, and things that make you happy.