Q: I am nearly 80 and have been widowed for a year. My husband left me enough money to live a reasonably comfortable life. Both he and I have always been generous towards our only son, who knows that I am financially secure. However, I am now wondering if he is taking advantage.
Even though he and his wife both work hard and bring in good money, he never manages to save and seems to be living beyond his means.
I have bailed him out on a few occasions and am getting fed up
They go on plenty of holidays abroad and like a few nights out. They also have dogs, which cost a lot in vet bills and care. My son phones often to make sure I am all right which I appreciate – but I always get a rundown of his finances, or lack of them. I have bailed him out on a few occasions and I’m getting fed up with what feels like pouring money into a black hole.
Even though he and his wife both work hard and bring in good money, he never manages to save and seems to be living beyond his means (file image)
All my other family members have died so I only have my son, daughter-in-law and 14-year-old granddaughter. I don’t want to fall out with them. I’m fit and active for my age, and I could have another 20 years of life.
But I’m worried that if I keep funding them, I might not have any money left for my own care if I need it. They need to sort out their finances but I feel awkward telling them.
A: Unfortunately it does sound as if your son is taking advantage of you to fund a lifestyle that he and his wife can’t afford. It’s a vicious circle – if you keep giving him money he will never learn to be self-sufficient or to budget properly. This is not fair on you because, as you point out, it could compromise your future care. Neither is it good for your son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter.
So you do need to gently call a halt to this and talk to your son. I know you are worried that it will upset him and cause bad feelings or a rift, but I suspect that your son might be using your worry about this to keep you sweet, which is unfair. However I am sure that he also loves you, and, while he might initially be annoyed or put out, he will not want to lose his (and his wife and daughter’s) relationship with you any more than you do.
He could have an emotional problem with money
And he needs to understand that you have to make provision for your care. Your son could even have an emotional problem with money, in which case he may be grateful if you start helping him get his finances under control. You could continue to help them if you wish, but in a way that is carefully planned.
All my other family members have died so I only have my son, daughter-in-law and 14-year-old granddaughter (file image)
So please find a reliable financial advisor – there is excellent advice on how to do this at citizensadvice.org.uk – or get a personal recommendation from friends. Your son should also seek help at the government-run website moneyhelper.org.uk.
My friend’s affair is making me envious
Q: I’m a happily married 62-year-old man. Recently, one of my best friends, who’s my age, confided he was having an affair. While he said he felt a bit guilty, he was also fizzing with excitement and told me he never expected to be having such amazing sex at his time of life.
I should be shocked, but actually I feel envious. I’ve been married for 30 years and love my wife, but things have become a bit routine. We have great sex, but I’m not sure it’s ever ‘amazing’. I don’t want to hurt my wife, but I can’t stop thinking about wanting that sexual passion again.
I’ve started having ridiculous fantasies about a younger woman at work who is always flirting with me. How do I stop feeling this way?
A: People have affairs for many reasons – often unhappiness – and we shouldn’t rush to judge. However, there is a distinction to be drawn over ‘players’: those who have affairs because they can, with little care given for the people they hurt.
I wonder if your friend falls into this category. There may be a bit of schoolboy boasting going on and perhaps his ‘amazing sex’ isn’t that different from your ‘great sex’. I suspect it is the illicit thrill of his experience that heightens the emotional intensity.So please be careful.
People who have affairs may be alive with excitement at one level, but often tormented by guilt and exhausted by the need to keep it secret. They also live in fear of discovery, and if that does happen, usually find the fallout and distress hugely outweigh the excitement of the affair. So be flattered by this younger woman – we all like an ego boost – but don’t risk your happy marriage.
If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
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