Leather boots, a riding crop — and a dashing leading man in skin-tight jodhpurs: as any Jilly Cooper fan will know, these are essential ingredients for a bonkbuster.
For almost 40 years, readers have devoured her light-hearted take on erotic fiction, following the antics of a group of very badly-behaved — equestrians in the fictional county of Rutshire.
But now Jilly herself, it seems, thinks she has lost her touch.
The much-adored author, 86, has revealed that publishers have told her to ‘sex up’ her latest novel, Tackle, by making the bedroom scenes even raunchier.
Speaking at the Cheltenham Festival last week, she said: ‘I thought I was quite good at sex, but I think I’ve forgotten how to do it.’
Even so, excerpts from some of Jilly’s novels remain the most-read, most-memorable and steamiest in literary history, paving the way for others — among them reality stars, politicians and a few rogue royals — to try their hand at raunch and bodice-rippers, with mixed success.
E.L. James, real name Erika Mitchell, breathed new life into the erotic novel genre with her Fifty Shades trilogy
So, can you guess who the authors of these sex scenes are by matching their picture to their words? Prudes, please read no further…
1 ‘I’d like to bite that lip,’ he whispers darkly.
Oh my. I am completely unaware that I am chewing my bottom lip. My mouth pops open as I gasp and swallow at the same time. That has to be the sexiest thing anybody has ever said to me.
My heartbeat spikes, and I think I’m panting. Jeez, I’m a quivering, moist mess, and he hasn’t even touched me. I squirm in my seat and meet his dark glare.
‘Why don’t you?’ I challenge quietly. ‘Because I’m not going to touch you, Anastasia — not until I have your written consent to do so.
2 The roaring of the waterfall became a roaring in her ears as their lips met. There was no slow, tender preliminary to this kiss, only a clamouring need.
Donald’s arms tightened around her and heat flooded her body as she clung to him, urging him to deepen the kiss, though he needed little encouragement, muttering her name and pulling her closer.
They kissed. Deep, starving kisses, adult kisses, their tongues tangling, hands clutching and clinging.
Only as they stumbled, precariously close to the edge of the pool, did they stop, coming shakily to their senses.
3 ‘Let me look at you — oh my God.’ In the flickering firelight, her body was soft gold.
She gasped as his warm hands slid under the elasticated waist of her jeans, gold signet ring catching the light, as he fingered her belly button before creeping into the slippery cavern between her legs.
‘Ker-rist, you do want me.’ And his smile of genuine delight, so seldom seen in the last few months, made the moment even more precious.
‘Oh God, yes, I do want you.’ She kissed his sleek mus-cular chest, then sliding her hand downward outside his trousers encountered a leaning tower of pleasure.
4 She felt no fear and apart from the tremble in her hands which threatened to betray her, none of the nervousness that she had worried would be her undoing when the time came. With the boldness and skill of a woman ten years her senior, she had guided his hands over her virginal body.
They had sought out her breasts together and, pulling them free, she had arched her body as her hair tumbled down her back, guiding his mouth as she eased his unresisting head down.
She’d been in charge right up until a moan had escaped her lips and taken her unawares, not in her plan, and the control passed from her lips to the tips of his fingers.
Much-adored author Jilly Cooper, 86, has revealed that publishers have told her to ‘sex up’ her latest novel, Tackle, by making the bedroom scenes even raunchier
5 Suddenly he heaved himself over between her legs, fumbled himself into her, thrust away a few times — no more than six at the outside — and then, with a terrific gasp to tell her that it was now (which she countered with some cries and pants of her own), he collapsed on top of her.
6 He pulled down her brassiere, cupping her breasts, sighing in bliss. ‘The blue lines are divine,’ he whispered. At that moment, a lifetime of unease about this ugly feature of her body was replaced with satisfaction.
He licked them, circling her nipples hungrily. Then he disappeared up her skirt.
7 I really have little choice other than to succumb completely, vaguely conscious that should she guide my now throbbing Titanic into her icebergs, I would definitely be sunk.
8 She was hot and wet just thinking about Gino lying beside her.
Quietly she leaned over and slid her breasts up and down his bare back. He stirred in his sleep but did not wake.
She continued to rub her breasts against him. He turned over and his penis was standing up and ready even though his eyes were still closed.
She climbed astride him and manoeuvred him inside her. Then she rode him hard and fast until her cheeks were glowing and her breath was no more than short gasps.
E.L. James, real name Erika Mitchell, breathed new life into the erotic novel genre with her Fifty Shades trilogy
9 He heard a whimper catch in her throat, a reciprocal groan eclipsing his own and it was like a match dropped in petrol.
She came alive, her hands forking through his hair, her body turning into him. He leaned back into his seat and brought her with him, let her straddle him and take everything she wanted.
She raked her nails through his hair, her legs hooked around him, her body pressing against his hardness and making him drag in a breath.
‘Malie…’
‘Yes, Todd,’ she said between kisses, her thumbs brushing over his jaw, his cheeks, as his hands dropped to her thighs.
10 My recent loss of virginity. Inglorious episode, with an older woman. She liked horses, quite a lot, and treated me not unlike a young stallion. Quick ride, after which she’d smacked my rump and sent me off to graze.
11 That night she cradled me in her arms and soothed me; told me what I needed to be told; strengthened me.On that night of May 12, 1994, I needed that love Cherie gave me, selfishly. I devoured it to give me strength. I was an animal following my instinct.
12 He licked her secret places. He tried to lick her ear, but Judy jerked her head away — she couldn’t bear that warm messy wetness. But of course sex was messy, so she gave in, surrendering to pleasure.
He checked where else she liked to be licked, and they found it was almost everywhere.
Then suddenly he grew fierce and so did she and they had a little wrestling match to see who got on top and he allowed Judy to win, but somehow they fell off the bed and onto the red-fox spread.
Our dirty dozen!
Georgia Toffolo has churned out four Mills & Boon novels in her ‘Meet Me’ series
Jackie Collins wrote 32 books selling more than 500million copies
Julian Fellowes’ Snobs goes behind the veil of British aristocracy
A — Georgia Toffolo – Meet Me In Hawaii (2021)
Georgia Toffolo, formerly of Made In Chelsea fame, has churned out four Mills & Boon novels in her ‘Meet Me’ series. Though she writes most of them herself, she admits to having help from a co-author — and describes them as ‘steamy’ but not ‘full-frontal bonking’.
B — Jilly Cooper – Mount! (2016)
Since publishing Riders in 1985, best-selling author Jilly Cooper has written 21 romance novels, including ten in the Rutshire series. The tenth, Mount!, marked the muchheralded return of philanderer Rupert Campbell-Black, still just as swoonsome at 59.
C — E.L. James – Fifty Shades Of Grey (2011)
E.L. James, real name Erika Mitchell, breathed new life into the erotic novel genre with her Fifty Shades trilogy. The bondagethemed action follows Christian Grey, a billionaire with a penchant for dominating women, and his young lover, Anastasia Steele.
D — Jackie Collins – Chances (1981)
The original bonkbuster by Queen of Steam, Jackie Collins, who wrote 32 books, including The Hollywood Series, selling more than 500million copies. This novel introduced us to Gino Santangelo, the street-kid-turnedgangster, and his daughter Lucky.
E — Julian Fellowes – Snobs (2004)
MP-turned-chick-lit-author Nadine Dorries has published 16 novels
Tony Blair’s memoir traces his political and personal journey
Spare was Prince Harry’s headline-grabbing autobiography
The debut novel by Julian Fellowes, the writer and creator of Downton Abbey. Snobs goes behind the veil of British aristocracy, charting the courtship and marriage of Charles, Earl Broughton and Edith Lavery.
F — Sarah Ferguson – Her Heart For A Compass (2021)
The first in the Duchess of York’s Mills & Boon-style period romance series (the racy bodice-ripping is reserved for the second, out later this month, apparently). It is a semi-fictional story about her great-great aunt, Lady Margaret Montagu Douglas Scott.
G — Nadine Dorries – Shadows In Heaven (2018)
MP-turned-chick-lit-author Nadine Dorries has published 16 novels — not all bonkbusters — with another six on the way. Her sex scenes made headlines after a Twitter account, @DailyDorries, started sharing them online and racked up several thousand rapt fans.
H — Richard E. Grant – By Design (1998)
Oscar-nominated actor Richard E. Grant’s debut novel tells the story of Vyvian and Marga, childhood friends from an African country who have always dreamed of Hollywood — and pull out all the stops to make it there.
I — Tony Blair – A Journey (2010)
The former Prime Minister’s memoir traces both his political and personal journey during his years in power. This rather clumsy scene involving Cherie, by then his wife of 14 years, saw him nominated for a Bad Sex award in its year of publication.
J — Simon Sebag Montefiore – Sashenka (2008)
Set in 20th-century Russia, Sashenka tells the tale of a loyal Communist wife who embarks on an illicit affair. Biographer and historian Simon Sebag Montefiore has won awards for his historical fiction.
K — Shirley Conran – Lace (1982)
Author and journalist Shirley Conran is known for both her fiction and non-fiction, including Superwoman. The ultimate feminist bonkbuster, Lace sold more than three million copies — and embodied steamy, escapist fiction for a generation of female fans.
L — Prince Harry – Spare (2023)
This particular scene in Prince Harry’s headline-grabbing autobiography, released earlier this year, tells in brief but lurid detail how he lost his virginity, aged 17, in the field behind a Wiltshire pub. The ‘older woman’ turned out to be a groom aged 19
Answers: 1 C; 2 F; 3 B; 4 G; 5 E; 6 J; 7 H; 8 D; 9 A; 10 L; 11 I; 12 K.
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