The women who say they’re happier because they DON’T have children

When Jane Hawkes decided not to have children, she didn’t expect to be judged — let alone by close friends. 

‘Being child-free was certainly never part of my plan when I was younger,’ says the 47-year-old travel blogger. ‘The friends I had at school all dreamed of marriage and having children. 

‘But when I went to university to study languages, the world opened up with opportunities. I spent time in Austria and Italy — at one point teaching children. I was beginning to realise a family was not for me.’ 

In her late 20s, she confided in her oldest friend that she didn’t want children. Her response? ‘I don’t think I could speak to you again if you didn’t.’ 

True to her word, as Jane embarked on happy and fulfilled married life with no sign of babies, her friend grew increasingly distant and finally cut all contact. 

‘I tried to stay in touch via Facebook and texts for years,’ says Jane, who lives in Gloucester with her husband of 18 years. ‘But she simply stopped responding. I was ghosted for not having children. 

‘Of course, I was sad. I had known her since childhood and loved her two children. But I respect her decision and have no hard feelings. I just wish she had respected mine too.’ 

Jane is far from alone. The number of women not having children, whether by choice or not, is on the rise. Office for National Statistics figures show that among women who turned 45 in 2021, almost one in five — 18 per cent — were childless. That’s a significant increase on the 13 per cent of their mothers’ generation who did not become parents. 

It’s the same pattern in most other developed countries. French women have been urged to have more children after the number of births slumped to their lowest level since World War II. The birth rate in Spain also fell to a historic low in 2021. 

So what’s behind this quiet cultural shift? Experts say that, almost without realising it, we’ve created a society where the obstacles to having children keep growing. At the same time the stigma of remaining childless has been largely eliminated. 

Many point to the rising cost of bringing up a child — currently about £200,000 until the age of 18. Diminishing fertility rates (chemicals in plastics and cosmetics are thought to lead to lower sperm counts) and the fact it’s more socially acceptable not to have children may also be factors. 

Equally, with more women in the workplace, some are choosing their careers over children. Others just don’t find the right partner while they are still fertile as we seem to settle down later and later. 

And as the United Nations predicts the Earth’s population will breach 8.5 billion by 2030, some just can’t face bringing a child into an increasingly crowded and polluted world. 

Jane came to her own decision gradually: ‘When I was 21, I was engaged to a traditionalist who was very much of the view that we’d marry and have children one day. 

‘I realised that even though he wanted kids, most of the childcare would land on me. I felt instinctively I would resent it. It was one of the reasons we broke up a year later.’ 

Jane was then living in London and working as a flight attendant. She says: ‘I absolutely loved it. Being away on trips is not conducive to having small children, so babies were definitely not on my mind.’ 

In the past, women often felt pushed by their parents to produce grandchildren. But Jane says that was never a factor. 

‘Fortunately, neither Mum nor Dad have ever put any pressure on me — or my sister (she doesn’t have children either). I’ve never had the merest inkling that they are disappointed not to be grandparents.’

She met her husband, now 48 and an IT installer, when she was 23 and says he never wanted a family. She admits they have never had ‘one momentous conversation’ about children. They discussed it in passing and found they were both pleased with their lives as they were. 

‘Every now and then, when I’m sitting in a restaurant with my husband or walking our dogs in the woods, I’ll catch myself feeling completely content,’ she says. ‘We still make each other laugh every day. 

Experts say that, almost without realising it, we’ve created a society where the obstacles to having children keep growing. At the same time the stigma of remaining childless has been largely eliminated

‘We both have jobs we enjoy and have travelled the world, taking trips to faraway destinations like the Caribbean, South Africa and the USA. We built our four-bedroom home from scratch and we love it. 

‘And while we have had ups and downs like any normal couple, I can genuinely say that we are — for the most part — very happy. Yet when some people look at us, they can only see what’s missing: children. 

‘Without them, are we somehow “incomplete” as a family? Surely, we can’t be truly happy with only our dogs and each other, can we?’ 

Jane insists she has no regrets. ‘I enjoy my freedom. Although some people say I’d have made a marvellous mum, I have never felt any yearning for it. 

‘My mum used to say in a very knowing fashion: “You don’t miss what you never had.” And I understand what she means. When I see babies or children, I don’t feel any pangs of “I wish…” I have two godsons, both in their teens now, and love them to bits. As youngsters, I was happy to play with them but it was always nice to give them back and return to my husband and our lovely home — just the two of us, peace and quiet.’

Amanda Stephens*, 49, is also happily child-free. Although, a few years ago her resolve wavered slightly when she spotted a young woman with her adorable little girl. They looked so happy together, holding hands and chatting. 

Amanda recalls: ‘I caught myself thinking: “OK, here it is, look at how delightful they are. Time is running out — are you absolutely sure you’re OK that you’ll never have that?” 

‘Then suddenly, this angelic little girl started shrieking. She stomped her feet and started demanding sweets. The beautiful mother began shouting, “Sit down, you wee horror, and shut your mouth!” 

‘I had to stifle a laugh. I realised the universe had answered my question for me.’

Amanda feels she’s gained in many ways from her decision. She lives with her partner of five years in a beautiful detached house with a large garden. They enjoy several foreign holidays a year. Life is good. 

‘I do feel guilty when people ask what we did at the weekend and I say: “Pottered around the garden” or “Went out for a nice meal”,’ she says. ‘So many people my age will say: “I was taking my kid to a birthday party” or, “I was watching my child play football.” It sounds as if we have a really lovely life with lots of freedom — and the fact is, we do. I don’t like to crow but I feel very lucky.’ 

Amanda says she’s never wanted to be a mum. ‘I remember telling my mother this when I was about 16. She cried and said I would change my mind when I was older. But I haven’t. 

‘I did get pregnant twice accidentally, but miscarried both times. I wouldn’t have had an abortion — but the relief I felt on each occasion was huge, which spoke volumes. 

‘I was very open with my partner about not wanting children and he said he’d never been bothered. We have no regrets whatsoever.’ 

And there’s a more poignant reason she felt it would be wrong to bring a child into the world. 

‘My mother developed early onset Alzheimer’s when I was in my 20s and I became her primary caregiver,’ says Amanda. ‘While all my friends were out having a good time, I was looking after her. I was happy to do that, but the illness made me think hard about what I wanted from life. 

‘I knew I couldn’t face my children putting their lives on hold to care for me. My mother died in her early 60s after being non-verbal for several years. She should have been retired and enjoying life with my father. But that chance was stripped away. 

‘Sometimes child-free women are thought of as “selfish” and I just can’t understand that. It would be more selfish to have a child who might then have to look after me.’ 

She adds: ‘Mum’s illness also means that I hear a different sort of biological clock ticking. Statistically there is a 50 per cent chance of me developing the disease, so I feel I have to live life at its fullest now.’ 

For Amanda, the stresses of childrearing just don’t fit with that vision of her life. It’s a choice she thinks previous generations were rarely able to make. 

‘For some mothers, it wasn’t the life they chose,’ she says. ‘It’s the life that happened to them. 

‘The greatest gift my mother gave to me was making me prioritise what I wanted out of life — and that’s not having children.’ 

It’s a response that begs the controversial question: are childfree women happier? 

It might not be what you want to hear just before Mother’s Day, but research from the UK and U. S. suggests that the answer is a resounding yes. It shows that women who don’t marry or have children are consistently the happiest group in the population. 

While men get benefits from marriage (taking fewer risks and having a healthier life), the same cannot generally be said for married women with children, who often put themselves last. For Vicki Prais, 51, a human rights lawyer from North London, that holds no appeal. 

She says: ‘I always say, in quite a glib way, that I “forgot” to have children. But relationships may have had something to do with it. I’ve always been in short-term, quite complex relationships.’

Yet, many women unable to find a suitable partner in the brutal world of modern dating go it alone, using sperm donors. She says a more important factor is that she ‘always loved my career and put it first’. 

‘I am the eldest of five children and come from a family of lawyers,’ she says. ‘I went to a hothouse school which encouraged girls into careers, so maybe that also had an influence. 

‘I have travelled the world, meeting so many interesting and inspiring people, many of whom are young women. I coach them and feel passionate about helping them — they are like my surrogate children.’

As for her lifestyle, she says: ‘I could never have had the life I’ve had while having children. I can work long hours and the world is my workplace. I’ve seen so many countries and lived abroad. 

‘Plus, I get to help with childcare for my six — soon to be seven — nieces and nephews. 

‘We’re really close. When I’ve been dealing with something very serious at work, being around the children takes me out of that dark space. But it’s always lovely to go back to my child-free life again.’ 

In doing so, it’s claimed women like Vicki are saving the planet too. UK charity Population Matters warns that every additional person born increases carbon emissions, not to mention the demand on limited resources. 

Helen Campbell, 45, a divorcee from Hay- on-Wye, coaches writers, artists and actors. She says: ‘One of the major factors in my decision never to have children is environmental issues. 

‘Friends and family say I’m a nurturing, caring person who would make a good mother,’ she adds. 

‘But I’d want to make every choice for a child’s life carefully. I can’t imagine trying to think what the best eco-friendly nappies would be or what food I was going to feed a baby — that’s so daunting. Not to mention adding another person to the population of the planet. 

‘Still, I’ve always known it’s not for me. I don’t remember ever feeling particularly maternal.’ 

And marriage hasn’t swayed her: ‘We had a mutual agreement not to have a family. Although I admire other women for having children, I just can’t imagine myself in that role.’ 

*Amanda’s name has been changed.