Jana Hocking lifts the lid on her open relationship with a married man

If you’ve been following my dating adventures for a while now you will know I’m fascinated with open relationships. Or ‘ethically non-monogamous’ relationships as they’re called these days.

As someone who has struggled with the whole ‘commitment’ thing for as long as I can remember, my little ears pricked up when people started embracing it. Could this be the answer to my relationship woes? If the relationship was open would I not feel so claustrophobic and trapped? Hmm… an interesting concept.

My therapist’s answer was ‘no, let’s get to the root of this fear.’ My answer was ‘this sounds like a fabulous quick fix, let’s give it a go!’

So I ignored her no doubt very wise advice and jumped at the chance when a very attractive man came into my life. He was tall, dark, and…. well… married. But before you boo and hiss, let me explain, as he did to me in great detail, that he was in a very mutually agreeable open relationship.

Now, like any girl who has been on the single scene for a while, I approached this with caution and a little hesitation. Was he really? Lord knows I’ve heard that ol’ line before from blokes who have conveniently been in town on ‘business.’ Oh yes, they are in an open relationship, their wives back home just don’t know about it. Seriously, go to any bar in the CBD and you’ll come across a line like that.

Anyway, this wasn’t any Tom, Dick or Harry, this was a bloke I had known for a little while, and there had always been rumours around his marriage. So when he brought it up with me I was chuffed to find out the rumours were true. He asked if I would be interested in going on a date with him, and I said sure as long as he got the OK from his wife. Even writing that sentence still sounds so shocking to me.

Anyway, that’s how it went, and once wifey gave it a big thumbs up we booked a night out on the town. Yes, this wasn’t a behind-closed-doors scenario, he was literally allowed to go on proper dates.

He booked a very nice restaurant, and we had a really lovely night. Looking back, the first red flag was when his wife called during the date to check if he had remembered to feed the dog, or should she. He assured her he had fed the dog and we got back to our date.

Then it happened again on our second date. She called to check if he had brought his house key with him, or should she leave one under the mailbox for him – because she was going out on her own date and wouldn’t be sure if she would be home to let him in. This whole scenario is seriously bonkers. Anyway, once again he assured her that he had his own house key and we got on with our date.

Then I noticed she started looking at all my Instagram stories. We didn’t follow each other (that would have been TOO weird) but she did keep an eye on my online activity. Girl, get yourself a fake insta account if you’re going to do that. All good super sleuths know that!

On our third date I brought it up with him. I questioned just how comfortable she was with him dating other people and he assured me that she was fine, but we girls know in our souls when something really isn’t fine.

By the time it came to locking in a fourth date, it just wasn’t sitting right with me, writes Jana

I had empathy for her. On a smaller scale I felt like I had been in her place. For me, it’s like when you go on a couple of dates with a guy but you haven’t’ had the ‘are we exclusive’ chat and you’re scrolling his insta late at night seeing if any other girls are in the picture. Been there, done that, totally get it. This however was on a much larger scale. Her husband was seeing someone else and she wanted to know all the details!

By the time it came to locking in a fourth date, it just wasn’t sitting right with me. It was feeling a little too messy and not the easy, casual relationship I was looking for.

So I politely bowed out, and ticked ‘open relationship’ off my to-do list. I’m not sure where their relationship stands these days, but if I was a betting person, my odds would be on ‘not good’.

Chatting with a friend about it a couple of months later, she opened up about her own ‘open relationship’ policy – she and her husband both travel for work and have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ arrangement. She said it’s come back to bite her in the butt when she made the mistake of sleeping with the same person outside of her marriage more than once.

She said that’s when feelings get involved, and it really does get messy. (Huh, I was right!). She said she almost blew up her entire marriage after she got in too deep with a fellow travel companion. She says it was her kids and giant mortgage that eventually stopped her. Explaining that it was far too complicated and expensive to choose the other man. So instead, she changed jobs, worked on her marriage and is glad she didn’t get carried away. 

She still enjoys the occasional dalliance outside of her marriage but makes it a strict rule to never sleep with the same person more than once. I still call BS on this insurance plan because, as we all know, the most earth-shattering sex can become quite addictive, and why would you not want to go back for more? It’s a risky risky game she’s playing.

So sure, if open marriages work for you, jolly good. I tip my hat to you because good lord they aren’t all sexy fun and games. Oh no. They come with baggage, mixed emotions, and a whole lot of mind games. Nope, not for me.