Q: My daughter, who’s 26, has been an office cleaner since she was 16. It’s a job she hates and finds demeaning. She struggled to gain GCSEs. Her spelling isn’t good and she isn’t practical either, having been thrown out of her cookery and sewing classes.
One teacher called her useless and another referred to her as ‘that complete duffer’. She was fired from her first job after two weeks and ended up on antidepressants. I had similar comments when I was at school, but I went into care work and was promoted several times – it made me proud as I never thought of myself as bright.
She was fired from her first job and ended up on antidepressants
My son was also underestimated at school but is now doing well as a chef on cruise ships. My daughter took five attempts to pass her driving test. She is very artistic and crafty and has taken classes to boost her skills, but she crumbles at interviews.
Recently, she told old school friends she had Covid rather than meet them as she was embarrassed by her lack of success. She has a huge affinity with animals and there are jobs going at a local kennels but she is nervous to apply in case they turn her down. Her father (my ex) has no patience with her and says that she is a drama queen who needs to toughen up.
My daughter, who’s 26, has been an office cleaner since she was 16. It’s a job she hates and finds demeaning
A: I am so sorry that your daughter has had such a difficult time both at school and since leaving. It must be hard for her – and you – that she feels like such a failure.
However, I am sure that she is not stupid, it is just that she has never had the right help. Her teachers dismissing her struggles as they did was unkind and unprofessional. They should have considered why she was finding schoolwork so hard.
Her poor spelling could indicate dyslexia, of course, but I wonder if your daughter could have dyspraxia, which can affect memory and concentration, coordination and organisational skills – so things become issues, like structuring essays (hence the GCSE problems), spatial awareness (the driving), poor time management and organisation (being fired) and can lead to academic underachievement and low self-esteem.
I am sure she is not stupid, but has just never had the right help
Dyspraxia does not mean lack of intelligence – it requires support and strategies to help manage the difficulties. Several symptoms of dyspraxia also overlap attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
It is possible that you and your son are also affected, but your daughter’s self-esteem has sadly been further dented by her father’s bullying attitude. The Dyspraxia Foundation (dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk) can help her raise her self-esteem and career prospects. I hope she applies for the job with animal
s. If she tells them about her struggles, and explains she is looking into a dyspraxia diagnosis, hopefully they will be sympathetic – if not, they are not the employers for her.
I’ve had little support from my in-laws
Q:I feel very let down by my extended family. My dad is in end-of-life care in hospital and my husband is recovering from surgery following a heart attack. Fortunately he is OK and starting to feel better.
However, though two of his four brothers visited him, not one contacted me to ask how I was. Only his sisters got in touch. I moaned to one of them that no one cares but she just said that everyone sent their love and was thinking of us. It really doesn’t feel like it!
I understand people are busy but I feel that my brothers-in-law are very weak individuals who, not knowing what to do or say, would rather bury their heads in the sand until it all goes away.
A: I am so sorry – it must feel very hurtful that your in-laws have not been more supportive because as well as being a worrying time for you with your husband, you’re also grieving for your dying father. Unfortunately,
I feel very let down by my extended family. My dad is in end-of-life care in hospital and my husband is recovering from surgery following a heart attack
I think that you are right: some people often find the grief, distress or illness of others so difficult to deal with that they don’t make contact with the person or even avoid them. Sadly, though, your husband’s family members are probably unlikely to change so you need help from elsewhere.
The British Heart Foundation (bhf.org.uk) has support groups and online communities. I would strongly recommend this to you both because when someone has had a major health scare there can be a tendency to let this overshadow everything – and you will need to get back to enjoying life together instead of fearing another heart attack.
You might also want to contact a bereavement charity such as Cruse (cruse.org.uk) about your dad.
- If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
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