BEL MOONEY: Can I stop my lazy brother exploiting his wife? 

Dear Bel,

I’m writing for advice on behalf of my sister-in-law — married to my only brother.

Their 27-year-old son still lives at home. My brother ‘retired’ years ago, his only income the state pension.

His wife still works full time as a teacher — desperate to retire, but at 63 will not get her state pension for a few years. She pays all the bills.

My brother does nothing all day but watch TV. My sister-in-law does most of the cooking, but he’ll often say he doesn’t like it and gets a takeaway. My nephew colludes because they both like junk food.

My nephew (in lowly paid work) dislikes living at home and wants to leave. He and my brother argue constantly. He’s been very spoilt — he makes no contribution, and my sister-in-law pays his car tax and insurance.

During lockdown they got a rescue puppy, who has grown large and untrainable (dog trainers have given up). My brother refuses to take him for a walk, so my sister-in-law (or sometimes nephew) has to walk him in the evening after work. The dog’s poor health is a massive expense for my sister-in-law.

She’s now discovered that for quite a while my brother has been accessing chat and porn sites. It really upsets me that he’s texting when sitting next to her in the evenings.

I am the only person my sister-in-law has confided in. I’m appalled at my brother’s behaviour and taxed him about his refusal to walk the dog etc. He doesn’t know I know about the chat sites.

She longs to retire, but even if they split the house proceeds there wouldn’t be enough to buy a house for herself, my nephew and the dog. So she continues her unhappy existence because she sees no alternative.

I’ve told her she still has a long life ahead of her, and at least to see a solicitor to find out about protecting her teaching pension. I feel helpless and don’t know how I can help. My husband thinks she should just quit the marriage. But I appreciate it’s not as easy as that. What shall I do?

KATHRYN

Today’s second letter from ‘Alison’ has at its heart a strange silence between a woman and her partner — and your heartfelt letter also hinges on silence, doesn’t it?

I realise it’s all very well for me to advise people to be open with each other and have proper conversations, but in real life it can be impossible to broach a painful subject with those we love.

It’s harder between family members than between a couple, because while a couple living together surely have the right to know what each other does, a sister may feel she has no right in interfere in her brother’s family.

You write ‘on behalf of’ your sister-in-law, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s asked you to, does it?

The situation is complicated, because if (say) she was being beaten by your brother, you’d feel a duty to report his behaviour to the authorities. But being a useless, idle, selfish deadbeat who shamelessly lives off his hard-working wife and cruelly insults her by looking at online sleaze. Though such behaviour may be morally abhorrent to decent people, it is not a crime.

The only ‘weapon’ you can possibly have is words — and that means being honest about what you think.

Your sister-in-law confided in you about the porn sites, yet you haven’t felt able to tackle your brother. Are you afraid he’ll be angry with her? That makes your silence worse, I’m afraid.

You observe the fact that their unhappy household is ruled by two selfish men and that your sister-in-law is foolish (let’s speak plainly) for letting her adult son live off her, yet I doubt you’d feel able to tell her to be much tougher.

You know they were (like so many others) thoughtless to get a dog they couldn’t be bothered to train (no dog is ‘untrainable’ by the way, unless severely damaged) yet how can you tell them that when so much else is going on?

If your brother got off his rear, he could train that poor dog. You are all stuck in inactivity.

I’m on your husband’s side and you know he’s right. Your sister-in-law should do all she can to help her son learn to budget (see citizensadvice.org.uk) then find a bedsit or house share. He has to go. The situation is miserable — and not helping him at all.

Then she needs to consult a solicitor for serious advice about ending the marriage, and after that inform her husband about what she’s done and why.

Yet I offer that common-sense advice knowing it probably won’t happen because your sister-in-law is tired and dejected, almost certainly knows she is being exploited, yet may feel emotionally locked into the marriage, no matter how her husband behaves.

In that case no power on earth can change thigs. The best thing you can do is encourage her to be stronger. And if your husband feels like speaking his mind, man to man, I wouldn’t stop him. Your lazy brother needs home truths.

I don’t trust my partner and his ex

Dear Bel,

Four years ago I came out of a very abusive marriage of 30 years. At the end the CPS prosecuted him, resulting in a two-year restraining order.

I stayed in the marriage for so long because although he was mentally and physically abusive, we had two sons and I stayed until they could cope with his abuse. They were 21 and 27 when I left.

I met and moved in with a lovely man, who initially made me feel safe and cared for. This has gradually waned, although he is still caring. I realise I’m probably extra vigilant.

I’m OK with the fact that he still keeps in touch with other female friends, but always wonder if they’d like to be more.

There’s a married woman I think had a previous relationship with my partner. We sometimes meet up as couples; she’s all over him with no interest in me at all. She’s going to see her daughter in Australia in November but her husband won’t as he’s frightened of flying.

I feel she’s trying to convince my partner to go with her. We all met for lunch and she said, ‘I’ve bought our tickets’.

When I asked who she was going with, she said ‘Nobody’. When I came back from the Ladies my partner looked at me anxiously, her husband looked furious and she looked satisfied.

What are they hiding? How do I broach the subject without upsetting my partner? I have given them all opportunities to talk, but no one says anything.

For me, trust is everything. I just need to know the truth and I am frightened that I may blurt out my thoughts. Do I play along until November and see what happens?

ALISON

What vast, empty silences yawn between loving people living together under one roof!

How can it be that a couple can share a bathroom and a bed yet not their thoughts? That question preoccupied me years before I wrote my first advice column; 18 years later, I’m more puzzled than ever.

You don’t say how long you’ve been in this relationship, yet suppose it’s three years or less, you still felt sure enough to move in with him after your terrible marriage. You were/are very close? So why is it impossible for you to come right out with, ‘Hey, darling, that lady seems fond of you. How long did you date her for?’ It’s a simple question, isn’t it? Yet you only ‘think’ they had a relationship.

You describe a scene in a pub when you suspect the expressions on the faces of your three companions. Perhaps you are so damaged by the years of hell with your first husband that you will never really be able to trust anybody again. I would understand that.

On the other hand, it’s not easy to understand why at home you couldn’t simply ask, ‘Why on earth did she say she’d bought tickets when her hubby’s not going? C’mon, you know her well, what’s going on?’

A woman cowed into subservience would not have the courage to ask those simple questions. So I suggest you have to ask yourself whether that’s the truth about you — a legacy from those years of abuse. You say your partner is ‘caring’ so does he deserve that level of mistrust?

In your slightly longer letter you twice state the importance of trust. This email is so full of anxiety it indicates a woman finding it impossible to put her trust in a man again, no matter how caring — yet simultaneously so terrified of losing him she won’t rock the boat with questions.

You can’t possibly ‘play along until November’ because your anxiety will just grow and could well be monstrously unfair on your partner, his friend and her husband. If they are hiding a plot, you need to know right away.

Equally, if (as I suspect) their strange expressions were a figment of your frightened imagination, then you need your mind set at rest. You walked on eggshells through that first marriage; now is the time for you to have peace of mind. But you will have to try hard to stop seeing yourself as the victim — and take charge.

If you’re totally averse to direct questions, why not suggest your partner and you go away for a sunny holiday in dreary old November? Tell him that all that talk about Australia makes you realise how much you want to relax somewhere fabulous with the man you love — and ask him to start planning a dream holiday with you.

And finally… How your life lessons resonate

Some excellent letters came after last week’s column. I’m always so pleased to read your intelligent, sensitive responses to the sadness of others.

The main letter from ‘Rowena’ (mother of three married to a good man but passionately in love with someone else and wondering if she should leave) brought sincere cries of warning from women who learned the hard way that the grass is NOT always greener.

For example, JC wrote: ‘I want that woman to know that she is living a dream of romance and lust, these affairs have a way of turning into something seedy and remorseful when you hurt other innocent people.

‘My daughters were both upset and my son wouldn’t talk to me for a while . . . I wish I hadn’t been unfaithful to my husband, who was worth more than any other man. But at the time I just wanted passion and escape. All I was left with was shame . . . I hope my story might be a warning to any bored housewife who thinks she’s missing out on love, when really it’s right there next you.’

Similarly CD (now 74) wrote: ‘Rowena, don’t do it! Around 40 years ago I left my husband and two children for a ‘knight in shining armour’. My husband was a good man and a good dad, but I saw things differently.’ The affair didn’t work out and now she recalls, ‘nothing is worth the pain I caused them’.

My rain-soaked visit to Barbara Hepworth’s garden brought bitter-sweet memories from two other readers. One also went there on a long-ago rainy day, during a difficult time in her marriage. She felt ‘sad and lost’ but contemplating the sculpture taught her greater truths.

And Marie wrote, ‘Thank you for triggering a beautiful memory for me this morning. I lost my wonderful husband almost five years ago. I have not thought about our visit to Barbara Hepworth’s garden for years, but, at this moment, it feels fresh in my mind.’

A profound truth about marriage there.