Bel Mooney: Do I deserve this happiness now my husband has died?

Dear Bel,

My husband died in February 2021. He had pulmonary fibrosis and was ill for many years before his death and so it was a very lonely, loveless and sexless time for the latter years. After a year I told my two sons I was going to join a dating site.

They and my friends say this is too soon and I should be visiting the cemetery every two weeks or so. This is depressing for although the tears have ceased, there’s still a waterfall within.

I have spoken to a couple of guys but one I’ve met and really get on with.

He is 12 years younger than me but doesn’t care how old I am as long as we get along — and says I look pretty good to him. With him, I can forget how miserable I was during those last years when my husband was so ill.

But my sons’ and good friend’s reaction is making me feel miserable again. I do feel a bit guilty as I have only told my sister that we are having sex, but I feel people will know.

Honestly, if there is a new face cream out, I am first in the queue. I could be dead in a few years, so don’t I deserve some happiness?

MAGGIE

 I most certainly think you deserve happiness, just like all people — although for many it remains sadly elusive.

Surely these days there’s no acceptable ‘timetable’ for how long people mourn, although society will always have a view, and judge accordingly.

There are no rules for grief, although plenty try to make them.

Having said that, if my friend’s wife died and he starting chasing women pretty quickly I’d probably feel very uncomfortable indeed.

Just as it’s natural for you to want to have some fun before you get too old, so it’s also natural for your sons to feel upset because you seem to be betraying the memory of their father.

I doubt I’d have told them about the dating site, at least for a while.

They were bound to have a view which would make you feel judged. It’s too late now, but as a rule our adult children have no divine right to know exactly how we spend our time.

So be tactful with them and keep your love life private.

Your friends (and maybe your sister) will have a different take and probably wish to protect you from the pitfalls of online dating.

That is quite sensible, since so many women (of all ages) get hurt by men only in it for the sex. If a man is younger that can make you even more vulnerable.

I write that as someone happily married to a much younger husband, but we must be honest about human needs and weaknesses.

Like you, I rush off to Boots to buy the latest miracle serums and creams, but know quite well the ageing process cannot be halted — no matter how hard we try. But it is normal to have that sense of ‘time’s winged chariot hurrying near’ and so I wish you luck.

But why not make an arrangement with your sons to visit the cemetery all together once every three weeks, in a spirit of remembrance and family love?

His affair leaves me heartbroken

Dear Bel,

Married 42 years, I just discovered my husband has been having an affair with a family friend. I had to go away for two days and found out he’d invited her to stay in our bed and after her doing an erotic striptease in front of him they had passionate sex.

He has texted her to declare his love and I know he’s phoning her every day. They are besotted.

Until I found out about this, I thought we were happy and would grow old together. We work well together, still go everywhere together, have children, grandchildren — a close, normal family. Finding out about the affair makes sense of recent strange behaviour: lying, disappearing, hiding his phone, being defensive.

I’m heartbroken, can’t eat or sleep. Will he want to leave me and live with her? Destroy our family unit? I’d have to move away where nobody knows me. If we separate we might have to sell our family home so our children would be affected. What should I do?

CHRISTINE

It’s not hard to see why you’re distraught and I do feel very sorry for you.

Your husband’s late-flowering lust seems to threaten everything you hold most dear and it must be agony. Do you know about the ‘erotic striptease’ because you’ve seen their messages? It’s the only way I can think of.

Whatever the truth, breathe deeply and seek a strategy to deal with this horrible reality. Blind panic won’t help. None of your worst fears for the future may happen. This affair could be like a fire that quickly burns out as your husband faces practical reality. There is nothing mysterious about a new passion, but it does require careful handling on your part.

He needs to be helped to see that being ‘besotted’ carries a heavy price in terms of losing a whole family. Nowhere do you tell me if you have yet talked to him about what’s going on. Have you thought of counselling, either to assist you as a couple, or to help you deal with what’s going on? (Go to the Relate website to see what’s possible.) For that matter, why can’t you talk to the so-called family friend? You have a right.

If I were you I’d calmly tell him you know, ask if he thinks it would be a good idea to tell your children, and also whether he’s made any plans. The cooler you can be the better. Earn that Oscar!

You could add that you will get a solicitor as soon as he tells you it’s necessary. I am assuming you love him and want to stay married, but if so, you will also have to learn to forgive.

All I can do is hope it works out for you.

Should I contest Mother’s will?

Dear Bel,

MY Mother has just passed away after a dreadful 18 months in a care home. I never had a close relationship with her as I was an ‘unwanted’ baby and (at 11) virtually ceased to exist for my parents when my brother was born.

My parents and my brother moved to Ireland when I was 16. I was in regular contact with Mother by phone until she went into the home, but didn’t visit as my own health isn’t good and I felt she didn’t really like me.

I’m writing because Mother left me her jewellery (apparently worth about £5,000) and the rest of her estate — worth about £400,000 — to my brother. I realise my brother and his wife do probably deserve more as they lived nearby and looked after her but once again it feels like a kick in the teeth.

My father died two years ago and left the majority of his estate to a woman who lived 50 miles away. He stated in his will that my brother was not to get anything as he’d had enough over the years.

I don’t like feeling this but I’m depressed about the way they have all treated me over the years. The worst thing is my brother hasn’t said he doesn’t think the will is fair or that he’ll make sure I’m treated fairly. I can’t get past this feeling and regret not challenging my father’s will. So I’m considering challenging my mother’s.

BRIDGET

 You express a lifetime of sadness at the lack of love in your family life. But the fact that your father willed his money away (why?) and left out your brother perhaps indicates a degree of dysfunction beyond your own problem.

In life you repaid what you saw as your mother’s lack of interest in you with a reciprocal lack of affection, and now in death you bitterly resent the terms of her will. Sadder and sadder.

It is good that you acknowledge the constant attention and care your brother and his wife gave to your mother, and most people reading this will probably agree with you that they deserved to be ‘rewarded’. You say nothing about whether your mother had any grandchildren, which would also (perhaps) affect her decisions concerning legacy.

Does your brother judge you for your neglect (as he’d see it) of your mother as she aged? Have you ever talked to him about your feelings? Are you in a position where a sum of money from the estate would make a real difference to your life?

The wisest course may be to have a serious conversation with him so you can explain about past, present and future. Then see what he says. Won’t challenging the will just bring more unhappiness?

And finally…Regret for Liverpool’s royal ruckus  

This week reader Marilyn sent a heartfelt question, ‘Did you feel sad and ashamed that our fellow Scousers drowned out the national anthem at Anfield?’

She continued, ‘I’ve had a most wonderful Coronation weekend and I’m so proud to be British. I revel in the pomp and pageantry admired throughout the world. My grandparents were refugees from Ukraine at the beginning of the 20th century and the UK offered them safety and opportunity. How sad the LFC fans can’t embrace the mood of the nation. They don’t speak for me. It would be wonderful if they could forget past grievances and appreciate living in the best country in the world.’

I agree and hated those oafish, crude banners and ignorant roars. I know all the political history and of course people are entitled not to support the Royal Family. But to be so rude? No wonder Liverpool captain Jordan Henderson looked mortified.

Mind, I don’t think the Premier League should have suggested it anyway. Stick to football.

But for all the naysayers there are just as many royal fans, yes, even in Liverpool. Last November, World Cup time, I was there with family one evening when England was playing and my cool, smart, ultra-lively footie-mad ten-year-old relative told us all to stand up when the National Anthem was played. He’s an ordinary lad who understands respect and that’s far more attractive and original than kneejerk oafishness.

Liverpool’s always had massive problems of deprivation, crime and violence. The murder tally horrifies everyone and the power of the drug barons grows daily. Is that the fault of the King?

I’m not ashamed of the beautiful, vibrant city of my birth, because it’s full of lovely, warm decent people, many of whom will be patriotic monarchists, just like Marilyn and me.

But I do feel a deep regret that some no-hoper Scousers go on blaming both King and country for every damn thing.