Dear Jane,
My wife and I welcomed our first child together four years ago and have been raising her as a vegan since birth, something that her mother was adamant we do, despite my serious concerns that it might negatively impact her development.
I have always been a big meat eater – I love nothing more than a great steak – but my wife decided to switch to a plant-based diet when we first started trying for a baby and was convinced that it played a part in us being able to conceive.
When our daughter was born, my wife insisted that we also raise her as a vegan, which I was really worried about to be honest, but I agreed because I wanted to give the mother of my child anything she wanted at that point!
Cut to four years later and my daughter is thriving. She loves food, has a great appetite just like her dad, and it’s something that I’ve really enjoyed sharing with her.
Maybe a year or so ago I was eating a burger for lunch – my wife was out – and my daughter was fascinated by my food. I figured there was no harm in giving her a little taste to see how she handled it, whether it gave her stomach ache or anything like that, and she loved it.
Since then I’ve been giving her little bits of whatever meat I’m eating whenever my wife isn’t around. Which was all great until recently when I slipped up and fed her some chicken at a picnic without even thinking about it.
My wife flipped out, started screaming at me that I was ‘poisoning’ our daughter and that I had no idea how she was going to react to the meat. At which point I had to confess that I’d actually been feeding her meat for a while now and that admission sparked another furious argument.
Now, my wife is threatening divorce and says she doesn’t know if she can ever trust me with our daughter again. I understand she’s upset that I kept this little secret from her – but I can’t help but think she’s overreacting?
International best-selling author offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her weekly Dear Jane agony aunt column
From, Carnivore Confusion
Dear Carnivore Confusion,
I’m reminded of a musical that ran for years in New York called ‘I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change.’ You married your wife, who ate meat, and suddenly she stopped and now expects your daughter to do the same.
Whilst I understand your wife going vegan in a bid to conceive, demanding that your daughter follow the same diet seems to me to be pretty damn selfish, not to say difficult, when she knows that her husband is continuing to eat meat.
Of course your daughter is going to want to taste whatever you’re eating. All children want to copy their parents, and especially when forbidden food is concerned.
In fact, the worst thing you can do – unless it is due to allergies – is ban a food group altogether. Oh silly new mother that I was, I banned sugar for years. Only much later did I discover that every time my children went to anyone’s house, they single-handedly demolished the snack drawer and any sugar they could get their hands on.
Frankly, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and I agree that your wife is over-reacting. These kinds of impositions on other people’s behavior can be a need for control, which often masks an anxiety or fear. It’s worth getting to the bottom of that.
First, an honest conversation has to be had. I think it’s worthwhile having your pediatrician chime in. Not least to ensure that your daughter is getting all the nutrients she needs, but to verify that your daughter’s behavior in wanting to try meat is normal. I suspect your pediatrician will confirm there is nothing wrong with your daughter trying meat.
Living up to someone else’s standards of perfection is exhausting, and unrealistic. It’s one thing to have an intention for your daughter to be vegan, but slips, even ones unconsciously (or consciously) perpetrated by you, are bound to happen.
Far better that you agree, as a family, to have the intention of a vegan diet, with the acknowledgment that your daughter gets to try foods she wants to. Even meat.
The best food advice I have ever heard is from Michael Pollan, author of The Omnivore’s Dilemma and In Defense of Food famously who says: ‘Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly plants.’
Dear Jane,
Ten years ago, I met a guy. He was handsome, he was charming, and I genuinely thought that he was going to be the man who would make all of my romance novel-style dreams come true.
But slowly things started to change between us. He cheated on me, he was always controlling, and he constantly criticized me.
He said I was a terrible person, that I couldn’t cook, I couldn’t shower properly, I shouldn’t smile because my gums were too big… He once held a knife to my neck because I had to go to a work event. He strangled me because of how I boiled an egg. Then, ultimately, he hit me, locked me in a room, and left me there for hours without food, water, or even a chance to go to the bathroom.
Eventually, I found the courage to flee. And I’ve never looked back.
But now, a decade later, I still can’t imagine letting anyone else into my life because I’m terrified that I’m going to end up in the same situation, or maybe something even worse. I haven’t kissed a guy or even been on a date since it happened. I’d love a way to move on but I just don’t know how I’ll ever be able to move past it.
Can you help me please?
From, Haunted by the Past
Dear Haunted by the Past,
I am so sorry that you had such an abusive, horrific relationship. I’m also interested in your first comment about your expectations of a relationship – that it should be novel-style romance.
The strongest relationships I know are forged on trust and friendship. In fact, whenever I see a friend swept off her feet in true romance-novel-whirlwind style, I know there will be no happy ending.
Relationships that feel like a dream, like something out of a movie, where you are charmed and treated like a princess, are actually the most dangerous, for you are being ‘love-bombed’.
Love bombing is a form of psychological and emotional abuse where someone will use excessive attention, flattery and praise in order to manipulate you into a relationship with them. They invariably end up being either narcissists, abusers, or both, as you sadly discovered.
So now that we have that out of the way, I am suggesting two things.
First of all, get a therapist so you can deal with the trauma that you have been living with for ten years. Talking to friends won’t cut it – you need an absolutely safe place and person who can give you proper tools to help get you past this, and ensure you don’t get yourself involved with anyone like this again.
I encourage you to make some new male friends, and once the therapy is underway, to go on some dates, this time well-aware of the red flags and warning signs.
Slow and steady is how it needs to be, not flattery, romance and flowers, however good they may feel in the moment.
I wish you well.
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