Gwyneth Paltrow is edgy. She really, really is.
Not convinced? Every year, the actress packs her holiday gift guide with suggestions that are sure to raise eyebrows, from kinky lingerie and sex toys to genitalia grooming kits to drug paraphernalia — but for 2017 she’s managed to outdo herself.
A section of the Goop gift guide for ‘lovers,’ in particular, really pushes the limits this year, recommending everything from sex toys — 12, to be exact — to pricey lingerie to a pen that delivers THC to the body right before sex.
‘Tis the season! Gwyneth Paltrow’s website Goop has released its 2017 holiday gift guide
The gold standard in orgasms! In a section for ‘lovers,’ the site suggests five different vibrators, including two plated with precious metals
When tickling is out of touch: There’s also this feather ring for ‘tickling’ in the bedroom, which costs a jaw-dropping $673
That’s a pricey rub: Most of the section is packed with lingerie and sex toys, like this massage ring for $795
That price will certainly make a girl clench! A vocal promoter of vaginal maintenance, Gwyneth recommends $885 benwa balls, which are used to strengthen pelvic muscles
Naturally, the gift guide is full of items so pricey that the general public might be surprised that anyone would ever spend that much.
The ‘lovers’ section is no exception to the high price point, and includes a $425 silky PJ set, a $595 lace kimono, a $168 lace bra, and lots of expensive jewelry.
But the most shocking items don’t have just big price tags to set them apart. This year, Goop is recommending five different vibrators, including the $99 Crave bullet with 24k gold plating, the $149 Crave Vesper vibrator necklace (also gold-plated), and a $169 Lelo Tiani 3.
Then there are the toys that don’t buzz — but, despite a lack of mechanics, are still seriously expensive.
Suggested are the $673 Betony Vernon Marabou Pleasure Puff Ring, which ‘works overtime as a playful tickler in the bedroom’.
The same brand has a double sterling-silver massage ring for $795, which looks like two simple metallic balls, as well as a set of $885 benwa balls, which women can carry around in their vaginas to strengthen pelvic muscles.
So kinky! She also suggests this BDSM-inspired piece of jewelry, which costs $1,505
Hurt me like my credit card statement! These leather tools for spanking and whipping cost hundreds of dollars
A true artist: This body-painting kit costs only $70 and comes with pain, disposable slippers, and a body scrubber for cleanup
For the budget fetishist: Less pricey are the pubic hair oil for $44 and $18 sexy bubble bath
There’s also a ‘Sado-Chic’ piece of jewelry with a choker necklace and cuff bracelet, which are held together by a chain and clearly meant to be used in BDSM play. It costs $1,505.
Shoppers who want to shell out on leather goods for the bedroom have Gwyneth-approved options, too, including a $295 whip and a $195 paddle by Kiki de Montparnasse.
‘Covered in supple textured lambskin leather, it makes for some utterly pleasurable chastising — light lashing, soft spanking — behind closed doors,’ reads the Goop description of the paddle, which fails to mention that the human hand can do something quite similar and doesn’t cost a thing.
And for those seeking a more experiential gift as opposed to something more materialistic, they need look no further than ‘The Wild Woman’s Way’ tantra workshop — a steal at $450.
Luckily, there are a few budget-friendly options for Gwyneth’s more cash-strapped but kinky admirers, though those are mostly of the bath and beauty variety. Try $44 ‘fur oil’ for public hairs, $18 ‘Get it On’ body wash by PLANT Apothecary, and a $70 Love is Art x goop ‘couple’s paint kit’ for — ahem — sensual body-painting.
‘The key to this body-painting kit — by which we mean painting a canvas using your and your partner’s bodies — is stripping down first,’ the website explains.’
Puff puff pump: The list includes these THC inhalers which come in varieties like ‘passion’ for using before sex
It’s legal in Califonria! The list includes a joint storage case and a pipe
Super strength! This $199 Elvie Trainer is meant to help the user strengthen the pelvic floor.
Perhaps the most unique item, however, is the HMBLDT Passion Dose Pen for $40 and up. The pen delivers a THC-dominant formula to give a ‘euphoric feeling’ to ‘increase sensuality and heighten your sexual experience’.
In fact, the ‘lovers’ category isn’t the only one in which Goop recommends products related to cannabis or sex.
For ‘dreamers,’ the site offers a $45 JvdF ‘joint case,’ the right shape and size to git two marijuana joints — though Goop explains: ‘It works great for storing any teeny essentials—jewelry, Advil, you name it.’
There is also a ceramic pipe under the Stocking Stuffers category.
For ‘health nuts,’ there’s a $199 Elvie Trainer, which is slipped into the vagina like a tampon and controlled via Bluetooth. It is meant to help the user strengthen the pelvic floor.
Of course, not everything on the list is rated PG-13 — but even the G-rated items can cost a few Gs.
Just expensive: The guide has a $130 match holder (left) and a $345 incense burner (right)
What does the fox say? (It says pricey!) For kids, this mask costs a whopping $52
Several of the gifts just seem extravagant for what they are, like a $125 bookmark (left) and a $181 diffuser (right)
Generous! This casserole dish will set a gift-giver back $1,220
Some of the most outrageous gifts for a host or hostess are a $100 RBT decanter, a $181 Addition Studio essential oil burner, and an $85 FS Objects bottle opener. Also on the list are bowls, vases, kettles, wine carriers, and candle holders, all for over $100 each.
Pricey gifts for a health nut include an $85 pouch of rocks (which Goop calls a ‘medicine bag’ of ‘magically charged stones’), a $345 Cinnamon Projects x goop incense burner, and floss — what everyone wants for Christmas.
Her gifts for cooks have some of the steepest price tags, as they include a $1,220 casserole dish and a $755 sauce pan, both by Ondine, as well as $150 Graf trivet, a $425 Stories + Objects knife, and a $210 Pizzacraft pizza cooker.
The ‘dreamer’ category includes a $500 TRNTBL record player (there’s that rock ‘n roll), a $468 RSVP Paris leather portfolio, and a $125 (wh)ORE HAüS STUDIOS bookmark.
Pricey gifts for guys include a $185 Wood&Faulk camp stool, a $600 Shelter Co. tent, a $500 Fredericks & Mae dartboard, and a $228 Sherpapa diaper bag, while kids in her life can look forward to a $175 J.D. Salinger book set from Juniper Books, an old-fashioned wooden jump rope (for just $22) by Nobodinoz, and a $52 Coral & Tusk fox mask.