Not many Reality TV shows would let themselves be associated with faeces as The Apprentice did, particularly so much of it.
After all, there were enough people who dismissed its content for being ‘a load of c**p’ as it was.
So when this week’s episode featured prodigious amounts of dog poo, duck droppings, and those horrifying, enormous, splats that geese excrete, at first the logic of it was hard to get to grips with. (Like the more unpleasant deposits that the teams had to clean up).
Lesson learned: Lord Sugar’s ‘doggy day care’ task confirmed it was true what they say: you should never work with animals or children. Or candidates from The Apprentice
Actively encouraging the comparison was either brave or foolish but which?
Perhaps it was genius.
Perhaps the programme was not trying to humiliate the teams but making them look good: the muck was the only thing the producers could think of that was even more s**t than the competitors.
Whether this actually worked was debatable though.
Understandable: Sugar’s interest in the industry providing products and services for dogs was obvious. One in four British households own a pooch, spending 11 billion pounds a year on them
Lord Sugar’s ‘doggy day care’ task confirmed it was true what they say: you should never work with animals or children. Or candidates from The Apprentice…
Even the show’s boss was finally realising it.
‘We are two-thirds through the process so it’s time to be serious. It’s time for me to be serious,’ he warned the trio from the losing team when they came back to the boardroom. ‘I have to work out if I’m wasting my time with dead wood.’
Any of us could have told him he was.
Dirty job: This week’s episode featured prodigious amounts of dog poo, duck droppings, and those horrifying, enormous, splats that geese excrete, at first the logic of it was hard to get to grips with (Like the more unpleasant deposits that the teams had to clean up)
Thankfully he fired all three (Andrew, Anusa, and Charles the hapless Project Manager) – the kind of cull he could have implemented in any episode this series.
He would have had more luck investing in some of the pets that appeared in the task.
Sugar’s interest in the industry providing products and services for dogs was obvious. One in four British households own a pooch, spending 11 billion pounds a year on them.
On the basis of this episode, some are prepared to waste 25 pounds for their mutts to have a ‘paw-dicure’, pay 100 quid for the poo to be removed from their back garden, or send them to ‘agility classes.’
When Lord Sugar unleashed the candidates it begged the question: what sort of self-respecting dog owner would sent their baby to a doggy day care spa to be washed and groomed by someone from The Apprentice?
Here we go: When Lord Sugar unleashed the candidates it begged the question: what sort of self-respecting dog owner would sent their baby to a doggy day care spa to be washed and groomed by someone from The Apprentice?
More importantly, could any of the experts at the ‘training centre’ train Elizabeth to behave, or just muzzle her for a while?
The answer of course was No.
She ran the dogs’ exercise course with military precision, even re-arranging some of the tunnels (sadly without jumping all of them).
‘She’s a force of nature!’ Claude Littner commented, admiringly.
‘We know she’s barking mad also,’ added Sugar.
Despite this and despite Joanna and Bushra bickering incessantly (predictably), plus James’ innate inefficiency as Project Manager, their team (Graphene) won easily. Even their inability to win more than one of the three contracts they pitched for didn’t prove to be a handicap as their rivals failed to capitalise on the lucrative spa.
‘What a mess!’ Sugar exclaimed to Claude Littner and Karren Brady, summing up Vitality’s performance – a dog mess specifically.
Telling it how it is: ‘What a mess!’ Sugar exclaimed to Claude Littner and Karren Brady, summing up the Vitality team’s performance – a dog mess specifically
Seeing their cack-handed clean-up operation it was hard not to conclude Andrew and Anisa in particular had reached their level. Except that they couldn’t do even that properly.
‘Poo! Bag! Put the two together and clean up!’ Karren Brady tutted. ‘It’s not rocket science!’
It was on this show.
‘You were a bit overwhelmed by it all weren’t you Anisa?’ Brady carped tartly back in the boardroom.
Lord Sugar joined in, commenting: ‘All I hear is that you get flustered and flap around and think everything that goes wrong is funny!’
‘I think you have to have a sense of humour about things!’ Anisa insisted, obviously having never seen Lord Sugar on The Apprentice before.
Chiming in: ‘Poo! Bag! Put the two together and clean up!’ Karren Brady tutted. ‘It’s not rocket science!’
‘If you want to have fun in business you should open a funfair !’ he barked before realising the only way to wipe the smile off her face was fire her.
Karren Brady had her say about Andrew too.
‘He’s young for his age,’ she began generously before twisting the knife bitterly by concluding: ‘he’s a man child.’
Ouch! The idea of Lord Sugar going into business with ‘a manchild’ was unthinkable.
Andrew compounded this with what Sugar called ‘his laddish behaviour.’
‘I warned him about it. But he’s taken no notice whatsoever !’ he complained.
Sticking the boot in: Karren Brady had her say about Andrew too. ‘He’s young for his age,’ she began generously before twisting the knife bitterly by concluding: ‘he’s a man child’
Never a good tactic. Andrew had actually become worse, swearing in front of a client during a pitch for a contract.
Amazingly Andrew wasn’t even contrite.
‘I don’t come from the corporate world! I don’t go to boardrooms,’ he blustered to Sugar by way of explanation. ‘I come from bars. I come from shops.’
Even over-looking the fact Andrew was trying to get INTO the corporate world by winning an investment from Lord Sugar, this defence was ridiculous.
When he had sworn in front of the client they weren’t even in an office let alone a boardroom. They were in someone’s garden.
There were no Cheesy Wotsits on hand to save Andrew this time as there had been at Wembley.
All over: There were no Cheesy Wotsits on hand to save Andrew this time as there had been at Wembley
The fact that Charles had lost six of the eight tasks was the most impressive thing about him.
His lack of contribution was probably what had stopped him being shown the exit.
‘Over the weeks I don’t think that he’s done very much!’ Claude Littner harrumphed.
Charles had been branded ‘Mr Hindsight’ and someone whose only expertise was being anonymous, even when he was Project Manager.
Failure: Meanwhile the fact that Charles had lost six of the eight tasks was the most impressive thing about him
‘Ooh he loves a bit of delegation does Charles!’ cooed Karren Brady completing her hat-trick of victims.
At their doggy day care centre Charles delegated his colleagues in the sub-team to do everything.
‘Given that Jade and Michaela have naturally longer hair they’re used to combing,’ he argued absurdly. ‘So I’m just prompting them along.’
‘Did you do much yourself Charles?’ asked Lord Sugar, knowing full well that he didn’t.
‘Absolutely!’ Charles countered gamely, knowing too. ‘For me leadership’s about clarity.’
It was pretty clear he should be fired.
Gone: Lord Sugar fired Andrew, Anusa, and Charles the hapless Project Manager – the kind of cull he could have implemented in any episode this series