When it comes to parenting, some may decide that assigning ‘good cop – bad cop’ roles can help keep children in check.
But an expert has warned that this approach might actually be bad for your relationship – and that finding a ‘middle ground’ can be much more beneficial.
A new book, titled ‘Couples as Parents’, involves interviews with experts about different aspects of raising a child.
One section features Sophie Corke, a psychotherapist who provides private couples’ therapy in London and Surrey.
But an expert has warned that this approach might actually be bad for your relationship – and that finding a ‘middle ground’ can be much more beneficial (Stock Image)
In it, she warns that assigning ‘good cop – bad cop’ roles can make parents feel ‘trapped’, with each ‘angrily asserting what is ‘best’ for the children’.
‘This paper is based on experience of working with what I will refer to as ‘good cop – bad cop’ parents,’ she wrote.
‘These are couples… whose conflict centres around their management of and relationship with their child or children.
‘Unlike in reasonably well-functioning families, where it might be openly acknowledged that one or another parent is a ‘soft touch’ or parents may alternate their stance, ‘good cop – bad cop’ parents feel trapped in rigid roles… unable to see the other’s point of view.’
She said characteristically, the ‘bad cop’ is often the stay-at-home parent and feels compelled to take total responsibility in regard to childcare.
This frees the ‘good cop’ parent to ‘have all the fun’, she added.
Ms Corke said the arguments that warring couples bring to her consulting room often centre around the tension between setting rules or boundaries for their child on the one hand, and following their child’s wishes on the other.
‘The ‘bad cop’ parent may be characterised by the ‘good cop’ as overly traditional, strict or rigid,’ she wrote.
She said characteristically, the ‘bad cop’ is often the stay-at-home parent and feels compelled to take total responsibility in regard to childcare (Stock Image)
‘Conversely, the ‘bad cop’ may accuse their partner of being cowardly in refusing to say ‘no’ and of spoiling their children.’
She said these roles ‘often hark back to the parent’s own experience of being parented’, and may also be a way of dealing with ‘deep unconscious anxieties about how to be a couple as well as parents’.
Couples in this situation should reflect on why they behave like this, be confident in their parenting ability and strive to find the ‘middle ground,’ she added.
‘Couples who can increase their confidence in their ability to parent, while also becoming more realistic about it, may come to better appreciate one another,’ she concluded.
- ‘Couples as Parents: Explorations in Couple Therapy’, written by Kate Thompson and Damian McCann, will be published on July 18.
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