LOUISE THOMPSON: Alcohol killed my relationships and numbed my emotions. Here are five things I’ve learnt since quitting

I have something to confess: I used to not be very nice to myself. For almost two decades, I drank excessively even though I knew it was bad for me. We all know that drinking isn’t great for our health, but for me it was particularly destructive. I lost a lot thanks to alcohol – everything from phones to boyfriends.

Then, three years ago, I got sober and have finally created enough distance between the real me and ‘boozehound Brenda’ (the alter ego I created as a heavy-drinking student in Edinburgh) to be able to unpick the reasons I drank. I guess you could call this column ‘The Things I Wish I’d Known Three Years Ago’.

Often when people share their sobriety journeys it turns into one big competition. Who has abstained the longest? Who was the most messed up? I don’t deserve some big badge of honour for getting sober because the truth is initially I stopped drinking only because I wanted a baby more than I did a spicy margarita.

Having already suffered a miscarriage, I wanted to give myself the best chance at a healthy pregnancy. I’ve never been any good at moderation, so the advice given to me by doctors was to avoid alcohol entirely while trying to conceive.

It was easier because I was pregnant during lockdown when there were no parties to tempt me. Then I didn’t drink after I had Leo because I was in and out of hospital, severely unwell. By the time the opportunity to drink presented itself, I’d had a chance to see what my life was like without alcohol, and I wanted to hold on to that. I’ve never been in AA; I managed to stay sober with early nights, therapy and an immense amount of love for my son.

So how did my alcohol problem start? I began drinking at 14 to feel more confident around boys. I went to an all-girls school from the age of three, so I was inexperienced when it came to the opposite sex. I also had low self-esteem, so when I first discovered this magic elixir that could get rid of my anxiety and inhibitions, it felt amazing. Suddenly I was fun and entertaining. I’m a natural thrill-seeker so if anything promises a dopamine surge, then I’m going to pursue it, and I was soon hooked on the euphoria. Some people hate losing control – I loved it. I’ve always been a control freak, and drinking felt like the only way to turn off my busy brain and be more relaxed.

Plus people loved me when I was drunk. I was the entertainer, everyone’s best friend, always good for a morning-after anecdote. The ‘hilarious’ stories of me peeing on some stranger’s floor certainly kept the conversation flowing – and no one wanted that to stop! So everyone enabled me. Not that I blame others for my bad behaviour, but their praise made it easy to keep acting the clown. By the time I was at uni, I ended up playing up to this character I’d been assigned.

Behind the party-girl façade, though, the reality wasn’t so funny. I was constantly waiting for an epiphany where I would wake up and suddenly be able to change my relationship with alcohol. I longed to be the person who could have one glass of wine in the evening.

I have an addictive personality, though. I am extreme with all my decisions – it’s either a hard yes or a hard no. And it was the same with drink: once I’d started, I couldn’t find the off switch.

Louise in Ibiza last month with her partner Ryan (left) and brother Sam

By the time I was 21, I was living in a shared house in London. Well, I say house – it was more an open-door-policy party palace. One of my best friends lived with me at one point, but she had to leave after three months because she had a corporate 5am start and the noise was unbearable. It’s no surprise that the house next door came up for sale. And the other side, too.

At the time, I was in Made in Chelsea and there was always a party somewhere. I was drunk every other day. There were a few instances where I’d turn up to film and hadn’t been to bed the night before. I refused to film once because I was so unwell, but they managed to locate me, haul me out of bed and slap on some make-up. I was regularly hungover for important kissing or break-up scenes.

Alcohol killed all my relationships. One ex called it quits after I said horrendous things about his family on the top of a double-decker bus on the way home after a night out. Another ended it because I got so drunk I missed an important engagement. The third time was a bit different – our whole relationship revolved around drinking, so when we didn’t drink, we realised we had nothing in common; we didn’t even like each other.

In my 20s I would black out on a weekly basis. I would not remember hours of an evening or even how I got home; I was lucky not to have come to serious harm. Then, after every night out, I’d spend at least 24 hours picking up the pieces. One day of drinking would mean at least one day recouping, retracing steps, messaging and apologising to people. I lost so many phones, it got to the point where I struggled to get insurance.

When I see the mess I was in written in black and white like this, I feel lucky to have seen life at both ends of the spectrum – because I know now I have too much to lose to ever drink again.

So what do I wish I’d known three years ago?

• When I put alcohol in, bad decisions come out. I’d sabotage any healthy habits I’d been trying to keep – my diet, sleep, exercise, brain health and work would be ruined.
• You can’t keep running away from difficult feelings. Drinking numbed my emotions, which was easier than having to deal with them. But I have discovered that if I listen without judgment, I can work through tough times.
• Stopping drinking made me feel like a horse that has had its blinkers removed: I can see clearly. I’m less cloudy or distracted and my decision-making is incredible.
• It takes practice to say no. No to a drink, no to being the entertainer that everyone wants you to be. Some people will make it hard for you to give up, but that’s OK because you’ll find out who your true friends are, and that’s no bad thing.
• Life can still be fun. I’ve just got back from a sober holiday in Ibiza. I’ve had a lot of messy trips there over the years but this time I leaned into the calm, spiritual side of the island. It was me, my partner Ryan, my brother Sam and his girlfriend Zara – while I was the only sober one, none of them are big drinkers, and we found other ways to have a laugh. We went dancing, we did cartwheels while other people did shots – but I watched them wincing as they knocked back those pungent, clear drinks and there was not one part of me that wanted to join in. I’m not judging others having fun, but I know people who have ended up in rehab. I know people who have died. And I know I could have been one of them.

PICTURE DIRECTOR: ESTER MALLOY. 

STYLIST: NICOLA ROSE. 

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HAIR AND MAKE-UP: KRYSTAL BUCKLEY USING OAUI AND GIORGIO ARMANI BEAUTY.