Is your marriage on course for divorce? TRACEY COX reveals the four signs your flame is fizzling out – and how to fix it before it’s too late

All marriages have ups and downs and survive them. 

But certain behaviours are known to escalate into particularly acrimonious divorce.

Here are four red flags that mean a split could be imminent.

And it’s not going to be pretty.

YOU TREAT EACH OTHER WITH CONTEMPT

‘Whatever is wrong, I’m blamed for it – even if it can’t possibly have anything to do with me, like the weather.

‘He has no respect for me, and it shows when we’re in company: he considers himself superior in every way.

‘My kids hate how he treats me and that’s what will probably make me leave.’

Ever been witness to something like this?

If you find it uncomfortable to be around, imagine what it’s like living it every day.

Healthy relationships are teamwork: you’ve got each other’s back, respect each other’s opinions (even if it’s different than yours), truly listen and support each other.

Contempt-led relationships do the exact opposite: both of you are out to score points, go straight for the jugular the minute a weakness is exposed, feel gleeful when your partner is made to look foolish.

If contempt and belittling are a regular part of your interactions, you’re on the way to full-blown conflict which makes the divorce process more bitter and adversarial.

Is this you?

• Do friends or family comment about how much you bicker or disagree?
• Do either of you mock each other? Roll your eyes behind (or in front of them) if they say or do something you don’t like?
• Do either of you put each other down every opportunity you get? Are you treated with sarcasm when you venture an opinion?
• If you looked at yourselves in the mirror during a typical conversation, how would your faces look? Is disdain or outright hostility evident for all to see?

Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) reveals the four red flags that mean a split could be on the cards 

Takeaway

If you’re the critical one, replace negative comments with constructive criticism. 

‘I feel overwhelmed with all there is to do,’ rather than, ‘You’re so lazy. Why do I have to do everything around here?’. 

Use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements. ‘I feel hurt when we don’t spend enough time together’ not ‘You never put me first’.

You’re on the receiving end? Let your partner know they are hurting you and the relationship by behaving this way. 

If that falls on deaf ears, couple’s therapy is the only solution. If they won’t go with you, you’ll still benefit by going alone.

YOU DON’T OR CAN’T TALK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT MATTER

‘I always thought we had a great marriage, until I fell out with my wife’s sister. She adores her and refuses to even listen to my side. We’re in a frosty, uncomfortable stalemate and I can’t see a way out.’

While arguing constantly is an obvious sign things aren’t great, bad communication is more insidious. 

Couples often don’t realise this is a problem until there’s a problem – and they don’t have a clue how to fix it.

Anyone who’s ever read or heard anything about how to have a healthy relationship knows being able to talk about things is the cornerstone to long-term happiness.

Most people think, ‘Yes, I know that,’ and that’s that.

But the reason people like me harp on and on about it is that not being able to talk through thorny topics will be the death of you. And not just the death of you but put you on the path to a nasty divorce.

If you regularly belittle your partner – or if they belittle you – it’s likely you’re on the way to full-blown conflict which can make the divorce process especially bitter (stock image)

Is this you?

• Can you talk about important topics without it ending in a huge row, one of you storming off or either sulking for hours or days?
• Do either of you refuse to talk about a problem if you don’t agree on it?
• At the end of a discussion about an important topic, do you feel like you achieved something? Or do you both bring up the same points without ever meeting in the middle?
• Do you avoid difficult conversations entirely and hope the big problems will go away if you ignore them?

Takeaway:

You aren’t born with good communication skills, you learn them. 

There’s lots of information online on how to communicate better with your partner. If you need more help, a good couple’s therapist can change your relationship.

YOU HAVE MONEY SECRETS

‘My husband spent like a billionaire on credit cards hiked up to their limit. He not only used up all our savings, he cost us our house. 

‘Our kids had to move schools and lost their friends: it was such a selfish thing to do and it broke us. 

‘Everyone talks about physical betrayal, but financial betrayal is just as bad.’

Money is one of the leading causes of tension in long-term relationships. It’s not how much or how little you have of it that causes problems, it’s how each of you spend it.

Our spending styles are created when we’re quite young, often in reaction to what our parents did or didn’t do. 

When couples don’t align on how to manage money, it can reflect deeper issues relating to values and priorities.

The most common problem is spender vs saver. If the more frugal person earns most of the money, resentment quickly builds. 

If the spender has debt problems and ignores them, triple the danger factor to the relationship.

But if you really want to destabilise everything, lie about debt to your spouse. 

Not admitting to unpaid credit card bills with huge balances, loans taken out to pay back other loan repayments, the fact that you secretly emptied out the kid’s university fund, booked an expensive holiday when you’re struggling to pay the heating bill…these are the things that topple the strongest marriage in the most bitter, unforgiveable way.

Physical betrayal can intensify disagreements over child custody, finances and settlements, making divorce even more contentious (stock image)

Is this you?

• Do you have dramatically different spending styles and does it cause tension?
• Have you both been transparent about the amount of debt you have, including loans and credit card balances?
• Are either of you hiding secret spending – or secret bank accounts? Do you lie about the cost of things you buy or hide purchases from your partner?
• Does one person control the joint bank account?
• Do either of you take on loans or credit cards without consulting the other?

Takeaway:

If one or both partners are financially manipulative, this can lead to aggressive legal battles over property, spousal support and debt distribution during divorce proceedings

Don’t muck about if arguments over money are a common occurrence. Straight to a financial adviser who can advise on how to manage debt – and a couple’s therapist to help you understand each other’s attitude to money.

ONE OF YOU CHEATED (OR STILL ARE) 

‘I discovered a historic affair: my wife had a six-month affair with an ex after we married but before we had children. 

‘Our kids are married themselves now, but I couldn’t look at her after I found out. I hated her for making me live a lie for the last 25 years.’

Finding out about an affair or an ‘It meant nothing’ one-night-stand is often the major breach of trust that can make an already strained marriage irreparable.

Cheating demolishes the ‘you and me against the world’ bond that holds relationships together during tough times.

The emotional fall out of deep betrayal can lead to an exceptionally ugly divorce. The anger, pain and urge for revenge turns the most reasonable person into a tyrant, making mediation and compromise impossible.

Physical betrayal intensifies disagreements over child custody, finances and settlements making divorce more drawn-out and contentious.

Is this you?

• It’s a clear yes or no answer to this one.

Takeaway:

Even nice people have affairs, says the leading expert on infidelity, Esther Perel. 

It doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed if one of you cheated but it does instantly thrust the marriage into crisis mode. 

Some couples rebuild but it’s not an easy road to walk for either of you.

• Tracey’s two product ranges, Supersex and Edge, are available from lovehoney.co.uk. Listen to her weekly podcast, SexTok, every Wednesday.