A UK woman has revealed that she has been left hurt and has stopped speaking to her husband after he failed to defend her after her brother in law unfavourably compared her physically to his wife – and some people have accused her of being too sensitive.
The English mother-of-three took to British parenting website Mumsnet where she revealed that her husband is from Pakistani, and on the whole, she gets on well with his family.
However, she added, her brother-in-law recently married in his home country, and she finds his new wife ‘slightly odd’, as she ‘makes a lot of effort with my husband’s sister not me’ – and she received a mixed response to her post.
During a recent family party, she admitted in her Mumsnet post that she was left offended by her husband, in a post titled: ‘Am I over reacting? Not speaking to husband.’
In it, she wrote: ‘So me and my husband have been married for 10 years and have 3 children.
A woman (not pictured) has revealed how hurt she was after her brother-in-law unfavourably compared her body size to his wife’s – and her husband did not stand up for her (stock image)
While responses to the post were mixed, many respondents were sympathetic to the woman’s response to the situations
‘My husband is Pakistani and I am English. I get on well with my husbands family, my brother in law got married in Pakistan in April and his new wife is slightly odd. Makes a lot of effort with my husbands sister not me.
‘I just have a very different relationship with my sister in law, whether that is because it’s been 10 years and she’s done a lot for me, or whether it’s because my sister in law has never lived outside or travelled outside of Pakistan before I don’t know.
‘I’ve been receiving comments from her for the last 6 months that are weird and make me feel uncomfortable and not respected as I’ve been in the family for so long and always had a good relationship with them, his brother I have never really had an issue with him apart from he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong.
‘So today we was having a family gathering at my husbands cousins house, and all of us where there, me my husband and our children, sister in law brother in law and their kids, brother in law and sister in law, mil and his cousin and her husband and their kids.’
She added that her husbands’ cousin told the new sister in law that she liked her outfit, and in response the poster’s mother in law said that the poster was wearing the same dress.
Her brother in law replied that ‘they are the same dresses but different sizes’.
The post continued: ‘My husband’s sister looked at me, and must have known I would have got upset like this, my new sister in law is very thin and I have only just had a baby (my 3rd child) a year ago last October.
‘A room full of people and no one even my husband said nothing, no one told him that this comment was unnecessary.
A woman on Mumsnet revealed the details of the situation, and why she found it so hurtful in a detailed post on the forum
‘I have suffered with an eating disorder in the past which all the family know about and my brother in law still chose to make this comment and even my husband stayed silent. I’m quite a shy person.
When we got in the car I started arguing with my husband for staying quiet and not saying anything and I got upset and started crying as I’ve tried for 10 years to prove my self just to even earn a little bit of respect from them only for him and his wife to be saying stuff like this constantly in front of a room full of people.
‘Am I over reacting? I’m not ignoring my husband because I’m absolutely fed up of this and the comments now not just his new wife is making to me but also him. [Am I being unreasonable? How would you deal with it’
She then added a note to the post to say: ‘Just to add, I’m not necessarily big I am a size 12/14 and have just had a baby 12 months ago but obviously not an 6/8 like his wife.’
The post received a number of mixed responses, with some branding her behaviour unreasonable, and other, more sympathetic commentators, empathising with how painful the situation must have been.
Some commentators were not particularly sympathetic towards the poster’s plight, with a few saying she was ‘overreacting’
Among the less positive forum users, one said: ‘He just commented that the dresses were the same but different sizes. It’s a fact. How is this nasty? Sorry, but I think you’re being over sensitive.’
Another noted that being different sizes is not important, and that there is nothing inherently superior about being smaller, writing: ‘I think you’re overreacting. For someone to have made a scene at the time about this would have embarrassed me more. Saying the dresses are different sizes is a fact, and one you shouldn’t be upset by. Making a big deal about this comment makes it uncomfortable for everyone. It’s not a comment most people would make but I think it’s more a little clumsy than being offensive.
‘People are different sizes. Your issue with this is your issue sadly. Obviously your husband should support you but there’s no reason he can’t do that quietly eg checking in on you and talking about it later.
‘Dragging his family over coals for stating something obvious would be disproportionate.
‘Please continue to get help for your ED/dysmorphia. Nothing whatsoever wrong with your size and you are not lesser than the other person in a size 8 dress.’
One of the more critical responses came from a forum user who wrote: ‘I think describing a man as ‘lazy with his wife and lets her say anything’ is unacceptable. You sound as if you are sensitive to your own feelings but not very nice about other people, particularly women.’
A further poster asked: ‘Would your husband having an argument with everyone actually have made anything better?’
Another simply said: ‘The silent treatment is always ridiculous and childish.’
However, many were more sympathetic about how the woman would have felt – particularly given her history with eating disorders.
One wrote: ‘It was a nasty comment. I would have said something rather than expect DH to do it. Size is so sensitive, he could have easily said something as rude as your BIL.’
Another added: ‘I think it was a vile unnecessary comment personally and I would feel upset if no-one defended me.’
Meanwhile, a third wrote: ‘They were unpleasant deliberately- refuse to socialize with them.’
And a fourth chipped in to discuss the context of the situation, with regards to the poster’s history with eating disorders.
They wrote: ‘Why are people here being so f******* thick about anorexia?
However, a huge number of respondents were
‘It is hugely offensive that this person sought to “other” OP in this way, which, given they know she has suffered from this serious life-threatening illness, was obviously meant as a deliberate insult. It is disgusting that they all sat there like ignorant lemons, saying nothing.’
Another commentator added some nuance, agreeing that the comment was cruel, but questioning the correct course of action, writing : ‘That comment was nasty and no need for it. Years ago my aunt made a remark about my weight and the whole family (except my mum) laughed.
‘It was a long time ago but still stings so I understand how you feel.
‘I’m not sure ignoring your husband is going to do much good though. He should have stuck up for you but he possibly felt caught between you and his family. If he’d said something the situation could have escalated.’
And a fifth simply added: ‘It’s definitely rude. I’m sorry that happened- why would he say that if not to somehow get one over on you. Your husband possibly didn’t know what to say without making matters worse, hard to know. But it was definitely rude.’
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