Dear Jana,

I had a threesome with my husband and a mutual friend who is known for being a little experimental.

It was meant to be a fun, one-off adventure to spice things up as our sex life has been lagging.

But while it was happening, I noticed a real spark between them. Like, they were seriously going to town on each other.

At the time, I brushed it off as part of the experience, but now I can’t unsee it.

Since then, they’ve been texting all the time and whenever we hang out together, I catch these little glances that weren’t there before.

I feel like I’ve opened Pandora’s box. Am I being insecure and jealous, or did I just hand my boyfriend over on a silver platter?

Regrets.

A wife is despairing after her husband caught feelings during a threesome. Jana Hocking says she was asking for trouble when she got a friend involved... (stock image posed by models)

A wife is despairing after her husband caught feelings during a threesome. Jana Hocking says she was asking for trouble when she got a friend involved… (stock image posed by models)

Dear Regrets,

You’ve broken the cardinal rule of threesomes: never include a mate.

If your man is tearing your girlfriend’s clothes off like he just got out of prison, chances are he already had a crush on her before you even said ‘threesome’.

I could think of nothing more tormenting than flashbacks of my bloke with lust in his eyes for another woman while I’m sitting on the edge of the bed.

For the love of god, why did you do it?

Nevertheless, what’s done can’t be undone, so let’s deal with the fallout.

And I hate to say it, but that fallout could be you and your man breaking up, because, as you said yourself, you did hand him over to another woman on a silver platter.

It’s for this very reason I think we need to put to bed the idea that a threesome is the ultimate ‘cool wife’ move. Sure, you may look like you’re a sexy, carefree lady of the world, who is totally fine with your husband shagging another broad in front of you, but you’re also forgetting something: You’re a woman with feelings and needs – and it’s perfectly fine to expect a man who only has eyes for you.

You broke the cardinal rule of threesomes: never include a mate, writes Mail+ columnist Jana

You broke the cardinal rule of threesomes: never include a mate, writes Mail+ columnist Jana 

But unfortunately you made a bad decision in the heat of the moment and now you have front-row seats to your husband (possibly) having an affair.

I’ve seen friends partake in threesomes because they get this crazy notion in the heads that it will ‘save’ their marriages or their sex lives. Wrong!

They will say things like, ‘At least if I’m in the room I know he’s not doing it behind my back.’ Wrong again!

All you’re doing is putting yourself through unnecessary pain and giving him not only a hall pass, but a taste for what else is outside your bedroom.

So what now? Well, if this feels like emotional cheating (which it does), then it’s time for a brutally honest conversation with your husband. Ask the uncomfortable questions. If his answers sound like gaslighting, deflection or anything involving the phrase ‘you’re overthinking it,’ then trust your gut.

And next time, if you’re going to bring someone else into the bedroom, make sure you’re doing it because the idea excites you, not just your man. And maybe make it someone who lives in another postcode, or ideally another country.

Or better yet, just introduce a good toy into your bedroom instead of a human being your husband may start to fall in love with.

Dear Jana,

About two months ago, my fiancée told me she used to be an escort.

She was upfront about it and said it was years ago, she’s not ashamed, and reckons it helped her grow into who she is today.

She also said lots of girls have done ‘SW’ (sex work) in the past, that it’s totally normal in 2025 and most don’t even tell their husbands and boyfriends about it.

Look, I respect the honesty, and I do care about her… but if I’m being real, it’s been absolutely messing with my head.

I keep picturing her with other men – young, old, wealthy, drunk, sometimes multiple guys at once – doing things sexually we have never done together. It makes my stomach turn.

We used to have an amazing sex life – honestly it’s the main reason why I bought her a diamond ring after six months of dating – but after learning about her past, my confidence has shattered and I can barely get an erection.

I’ve started taking pills I’m buying online so I can perform. She doesn’t know about it so assumes I just ‘got over’ my issues.

Meanwhile, I’m mentally spiralling. I recently told my best mate about it and even he said her history was a deal-breaker.

I know everyone has a past and I’m really not a jealous guy but I honestly feel it’s not fair for her to burden me with this information so soon after I proposed.

Spiralling. 

Jana offers advice to a shattered young man who just discovered his fiancée used to be an escort (stock image posed by models)

Jana offers advice to a shattered young man who just discovered his fiancée used to be an escort (stock image posed by models)

Dear Spiralling,

Oh welcome to the spiral club! A home to those of us who really like to take our minds down garden paths that are wild and woolly, and usually far worse than reality.

So, first of all, I need you to do the one thing I’m often told to do when my thoughts get carried away: Stop. Take a deep breath. (Better yet, take at least five).

First of all, you’re not a jealous monster because this information has thrown you.

Your fiancée’s former profession is confronting for the average guy to hear. It’s not like she was a stripper or doing some topless selfies on OnlyFans.

But her past is her past and it can’t be changed. The only thing you have control over is how you deal with that information.

You’ve got two choices: you can either work through it or break up. There’s no middle ground, I’m afraid.

On the one hand, you have to give her credit for being so upfront with you. She realised after you got engaged that she didn’t want a secret hanging over your lives together, so she came clean. To me, that’s emotionally mature.

Does it suck mentally picturing here with a conga line of paying clients? Yes. And honestly I’m not surprised it’s affected your sexual confidence – but dodgy willy pills from Dr Internet will only slap a Band-Aid on the problem.

Here’s my take: you’re sleeping with the woman she is now, not her résumé from 2018. While your sexual history is probably far less prolific than hers (unless you’re an ex-gigolo and forgot to mention it), I’m sure there’s a few questionable women you’ve slept with in your past, too. 

The man has struggled to perform sexually after learning of his fiancée's past (stock image)

The man has struggled to perform sexually after learning of his fiancée’s past (stock image)

As for your mates saying it’s a deal-breaker… I’m sure you value their opinion, but it’s not their relationship.

It’s time to sit with your feelings and ask yourself: is this something I can genuinely work through or will it continue to bother me for years to come? It’s not fair – on you or your wife-to-be – to live a life of misery, jealousy and resentment. 

Look, neither you nor your fiancée is a bad person. It’s okay that she used to be an escort, and it’s okay that you feel conflicted about that. But she’s been honest with you. She’s done her bit – that’s all she can do.

Now it’s your turn.

Dear Jana,

My husband recently admitted he has a ‘cheating fetish’.

He wants us to roleplay that I’m sneaking around on him, secretly texting other lovers, maybe even pretending to come home from another guy’s place.

At first I laughed it off, but he’s seriously into it. He says it turns him on like nothing else, and he wants to try out some cheating-themed dirty talk in bed.

I’m all for a bit of kink, but this feels weird. Why would someone get off on being betrayed? Is this a harmless fantasy, or will he one day expect me to really act on it?

Where is This Going? 

Dear Where is This Going.

Ah yes, this is what I like to call ’emotional edgeplay’.

First off, don’t panic, you’re not married to an oddball. And he probably doesn’t actually want you to run off with another man and report back all the sleazy details.

You’re just with someone with a spicy imagination and a kink for danger. And believe it or not, this isn’t as rare as it sounds. In fact, the jealous thrill of having a faithless wife is pretty common among men these days – and for 99 per cent of them, they don’t actually want their spouse to stray, they just like the taste of it.

It’s messy, complicated and deeply human. Freud would have a field day.

But I totally get why it’s throwing you as someone who, I assume, is madly in love with her husband and wouldn’t dream of cheating on him.

For most of us, cheating is trauma, not sexy foreplay. So when your husband says, ‘Hey babe, can you pretend you’ve just had sex with another guy before you jump on me?’ of course your first reaction is going to be, ‘Sorry, what?!’

But here’s the key takeaway: it’s a fantasy. And like most fantasies, it’s not necessarily something he wants to actually happen. It’s about the roleplay, the illicitness, the thrill of you being a ‘bad girl’.

So long as he’s not secretly hoping you’ll go out and cheat for real (you should ask him directly, by the way) then you’re not dealing with a red flag at all – just a bloke who’s a bit kinky.

With all that said, if it’s turning you off, don’t force yourself into it just to be the ‘cool wife’. Fantasies only work when both people are on board, otherwise it starts to feel icky real fast.

So, talk to him. Set boundaries. Maybe ease into it with flirty texting while you’re out or roleplay a scenario that keeps things playful but not too real.

And if at any point it stops being fun for you, you say, ‘Stop, this isn’t my thing.’

***
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