ANDREW PIERCE: How Tories’ musical love-in hit a bum note

Attempting to burnish its cultural credentials, the Government has distributed £500,000 of grants from a fund to support UK music exports. But have our leaders done their homework?

Andrew Bowie, International Trade Minister, backed an award from the Music Export Growth Scheme fund to post-punk band Dry Cleaning — whose members hate the Tory Party and monarchy in equal measure. 

The band’s most popular song, from their new album, is called Conservative Hell. Lead singer Florence Shaw said it ‘introduces the idea of this dystopian reality we’re in at the moment, politically-speaking’. Another song complains that ‘nothing works, everything’s expensive, opaque and privatised’.

Drummer Nick Buxton added: ‘It was like living on an alien planet after the Queen died. The BBC completely lost their s***. It was like the country transformed into a totalitarian monarchy state… It was quite scary.’ 

Despite all this, the band was more than happy to trouser the cash. Manager Tim Hampson said they’re going on a global tour.

Pickles is a fashion heavyweight

Eric Pickles, the most spherical of Tory peers, was held up as a fashion model in the Lords last week. 

His neighbour, Lord Vaizey, citing Harris Tweed as a firm that could benefit from the reintroduction of tax-free shopping for tourists, noted that Pickles was himself wearing a (vast) tweed suit that day.

 Heayweight Pickles responded by holding out his arms like a catwalk model and performing a little flourish to flaunt his look. Kate Moss, beware.

At Prime Minister’s Questions, Sir Keir Starmer insisted there were never NHS strikes when Labour was in power. Fact-checkers pointed out that there was a 48-hour strike at Glasgow Royal Infirmary in August 2002. Three months later, there was a strike involving 500 staff at five Glasgow hospitals. And in October 2005 there was a strike at four NHS hospitals in Newcastle upon Tyne

Last week at London’s City Hall figures were released by the Oversight Committee showing the budget for dealing with people in food poverty was £400,000. The budget for diversity and inclusion was a whopping £700,000. Tells you all you need to know about virtue-signalling Labour Mayor Sadiq Khan.

The only things leaving No10 faster than prime ministers are laptops. The Cabinet Office says 140 mobile phones and 28 computers have been stolen or gone missing from the department and other workplaces over the past year. 

One is a former Cabinet Minister in the House of Lords. The other is Father of the House. But is there rivalry between Tory couple Virginia and Peter Bottomley? In the Worthing Herald, Peter’s constituency newspaper, he writes that after reading the lesson at the parliamentary carol service, a colleague told his wife he had the impressive speaking manner of Nelson Mandela. ‘Virginia was doubtful,’ he said, before adding: ‘When she did her own reading at a local church, I praised her.’

Lord save us from Keir’s moans 

In his campaign to abolish the House of Lords, Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer claimed last week: ‘If you give a donation of £3million to the Conservative Party then you get a peerage.’ Perhaps he’s forgotten that in October he nominated the general secretary of the TUC, Frances O’Grady, for a life peerage. She has headed the trade union movement which has given £15million to Labour since Starmer became leader in April 2020. He also nominated Dave Prentis — former general secretary of Unison, one of the largest trade union donors. And in November 2020 Tony Woodley, the former general secretary of Unite — the biggest union donor to Labour — was elevated to the Upper House. Those in glass houses, Sir Keir… 

Overheard in the House of Commons, one Tory MP to another: ‘I’ve posted all my Christmas cards. I’ve wished everyone a Happy Easter.’