Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally
He wants to have a child of his own
I am 31, divorced and have two children aged five and seven. I have been seeing a lovely man who is 40 for about two years. We love each other and have so much in common. He is great with my children and they adore him. The problem is that he would like to have a child of his own, as he doesn’t have any. I don’t think that I want another baby and have told him this, but I don’t want to lose him either. He is loving, good-looking, kind, intelligent, tall, great fun and has a good job – in fact, everything that I want in a man. He says that he would like to marry me, but I’m not sure that just being a stepfather is enough for him.
It sounds as though he is a lovely man and, potentially, a great stepfather. As well as your love for each other, the fact that your children adore him is important. However, it is also understandable that he would like a child of his own. I appreciate what you are saying, but how would you feel if the situation was reversed? What if he didn’t want any more children, but you were longing for a child? It would be hard to sacrifice that desire and settle for not having one.
If you did agree to get married, much as he enjoys your children, he might start to resent your reluctance if he couldn’t also have his own. You are still young and so are your children. I expect that they would accept another sibling. By having his son or daughter, you could probably enjoy a lovely family life. If you are certain that you don’t want to get pregnant again, you must talk it through together.
It needs to be sorted out before you get married. You would need to make it clear that you will not change your mind so that he can either accept your decision and be with you or end the relationship and find someone with the same life goal. He is likely to make the second choice – and for you, losing someone you love would be hard.
I think I’m being abused by my mother
I am a 16-year-old girl and I work hard at school. I care greatly about pleasing my mother who has always pushed me. I want to become more independent, but she is paranoid. When I disagree with her, she makes my life hell. I know that she loves me and 60 per cent of the time she is caring and lovely, but she can also be overprotective and it is stifling. When she is angry, she is terrifying and won’t stop screaming. There is nothing that my father, brother and I can say to stop her. My father is passive throughout our arguments and my brother gets upset. When she stops screaming, she cries and says, ‘I’m a horrible mother’, which makes me feel so guilty that I forgive her. When I told her that I had a boyfriend, she screamed and told me that I was going to be sexually assaulted. Am I being abused?
Your mother’s behaviour when she starts screaming at you is abusive and unacceptable. It is important to know that you are not to blame. It takes time to realise that you are a victim of abuse. It is distressing for the whole family and you should get help. Talk to your father or your grandparents and say that you need their assistance. Underneath your mother’s anger, there is a great deal of anxiety; it may be to do with her past experiences. However, she might have a mental health problem and your father needs to get involved and make her address this possibility. He should encourage her to see her GP for a referral for psychological or psychiatric help.
You could also get in touch with the mental health charity Mind (mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393) for advice and support. I am concerned about you so please contact Relate (relate.org.uk, 0300 100 1234), which has a counselling service for young people, or speak to your school counsellor.
Should I try to contact him?
Last year, I frequently visited a shop where a young man worked. I could tell that he liked me by the way he looked at me. He often stood in front of me in a friendly way and eyed me up and down. When I smiled at him, he smiled back. I expected a friendship to develop, but he suddenly disappeared. I have tried to contact him, but he appears to have vanished. I have made enquiries, but nobody seems to know where he has gone. I am worried about what may have happened to him. Should I keep searching or move on?
It sounds as though he liked you, but perhaps he was too shy to take it any further or had a girlfriend already. Was he from this country or could he have returned to his homeland? I am sure that he is fine – if something had happened to him, the people who own the shop would probably know. For reassurance, you could ask them if he is all right. If you can’t trace him, then it is time to let him go. After all, he hasn’t tried to keep in touch with you so he was probably being friendly. It’s Valentine’s Day on Wednesday, though, so make a plan to see your friends or go to a party.