BEL MOONEY: How do I deal with feeling for older colleague? 

Dear Bel,

I am a 27-year-old single, gay man. I’ve tried dating apps but they usually lead nowhere. On one such app I saw the profile of an attractive guy who shared many of my interests. Despite indicating I liked him, we did not match.

Recently, I started an enjoyable new job at a Catholic school. It is temporary but there may be a possibility of extension.

However, one teacher has been cold and distant — and it’s that man from the dating app. He’s established and senior. Once I approached him at the end of school, introduced myself and complimented his dress sense.

He was polite but appeared uncomfortable.

Since then I’ve seen him several times but he has made no effort to speak. My smiles remain unreturned. It’s frustrating because I think there could be a lot of potential between us, if not romantically, but at least as a friend. I might not be his physical type but we are a similar age, have similar interests, and the only young male teachers at the school.

The school does have a strong religious ethos but I doubt he would be fired for being in a relationship with another man given his long employment time. But he might.

Admittedly, a gay teacher working at a Catholic school is a difficult situation to reconcile. He is from a Catholic background and I am sure the situation is difficult. I feel deep compassion for that. I just wish he was less cold to me. His behaviour clearly shows he knows I know the truth about him.

Whether the school know about his sexuality I am not sure. I think it would be an awful shame if we just spent months not talking.

Why would he want to spend his time in the virtual world when there is opportunity right before his eyes? We could maybe make each other happy.

Deep down I don’t think he is very happy though he does his best not to show it. The whole situation is starting to affect my mental health. I am constantly thinking of him but I doubt he gives me a second thought.

It’s making for a tense atmosphere. How do I approach this situation without leaving my job? Help, please.

JASON

You are in a state of real confusion and because I fear you could spoil not only your work prospects but also those of a blameless other man, I owe it to you to be frank.

My disquiet comes with that sentence: ‘His behaviour clearly shows he knows I know the truth about him.’ But I suggest his coolness to you shows that he doesn’t fancy you and wants you to be absolutely professional.

I understand why you feel very disappointed. But what worries me is that you could become unkind to yourself and to him, because of that feeling.

The ‘tense atmosphere’ you mention can hardly improve if you continue to hope.

This man you like is senior to you and may simply feel that any friendliness is inappropriate. Isn’t that something any person in a similar situation would have to accept?

It concerns me, for your sake, that you write: ‘The whole situation is starting to affect my mental health.’ Twenty years ago nobody would have written that about the simple, sad condition of fancying somebody who doesn’t reciprocate.

I’m afraid ‘mental health’ has become rather overused which is a great pity because normal feelings (like sadness, for example) are dramatised and pathologised. You sound a strong young man who knows what he wants in life — and I suspect you would wisely tell pupils that all of us need to develop resilience to accept disappointments.

Here you are, a 27-year-old whose attempts to date through apps have so far failed.

That must sometimes feel very lonely. Now this guy you fancy doesn’t want to know and you’re frustrated and fed up. Those feelings are absolutely normal in both men and women, gay and straight, in such situations.

I want you to realise that, take control and understand that like everybody else, you have to hold yourself in check.

The fact that you are employed at a church school does have a bearing on the matter.

Your colleague’s sexuality is his private business. He clearly takes his post very seriously, and even though you are disappointed at his lack of friendliness you need to respect his reasons and keep a distance.

No more compliments!

You don’t know him, so what if he is unsure of his sexuality and worried the apps are a mistake?

He could be in a relationship going wrong, which is why he tried the app — and/or a devout person deeply conflicted about the whole issue.

It seems to me you have two choices. One is to take your cue from your colleague and stay cool but try hard to meet people (hopefully a partner) in real life.

The other is to leave the job you love and find another post where you are not distracted. I hope you choose the former.

Hard to heal after husband’s affair

Dear Bel,

Last year my husband (of nearly 25 years) had a four-month affair. I found out after it ended — a gut instinct he was up to something led me to his credit card bill.

So I saw a hotel booking for the time he said he was walking with friends. Confronted, he confessed.

As you can imagine I was — and remain — devastated. He has betrayed me and I’m finding it hard to come to terms with it. We separated for two months at the end of last year, but he’s back and we’re trying to work on our marriage.

Two weeks ago I started counselling — so it is early days. But he has refused to attend since he ‘doesn’t want to discuss it with a stranger’.

He said he started the affair because he wasn’t happy in our relationship and the other woman gave him attention. He didn’t voice any unhappiness to me. I’m led to believe the weekend was the first time they had sexual contact —however, he says it wasn’t full intercourse.

The other woman ended the affair because of his age and marital status. I feel sad and confused and at a crossroads.

We still love one another but my feelings are getting in way off me healing and moving on.

I’m shocked he did not think about his marriage vows during this time. However, he says he is sorry and it was a mistake and he wants to bury it. But this is easier said than done. I welcome your thoughts and any advice you can offer.

JENNY

Usually I try to vary letters, yet last week’s lead was quite similar to this one. January can be a sad time for marriages — it can call life into question for married and unmarried alike. So it’s not surprising to receive another letter about a reoccurring problem.

After last week’s I had a letter from a male reader, DS, who wrote: ‘I feel sorry for both Diane and her husband. We all know how easy it can happen, the need for a little spice can bubble to the surface uninvited. I was happily married to my late wife for 47 years and while I never betrayed her, I cannot say that I remained totally faithful in my mind . . . We had a satisfactory love life, although fairly predictable after so long. I was hoping you’d recommend that Diane spice up their relationship, by texting or writing to each other e.g. flirting; something they might not have done for many years.’

That could be good advice — although, of course, if you are disillusioned, angry and hurt, writing flirty texts won’t come easily. The problem is how to reach the stage where you might want to.

It interests me that you had no inkling that your husband was having an affair, yet later somehow twigged ‘that he was up to something’. Perhaps guilt and excitement made him more affectionate to you when the affair was happening, but he was unable to hide despondency when it was over.

You express shock ‘that he did not think about me or our marriage vows’ but when a person (man or woman) is intrigued and excited by the thought of that ‘spice’ DS mentions, ‘marriage vows’ are the last thing on their mind.

I’m glad you sought counselling and that you recognise it could be a long process, but your husband owes it to you to give it a try as well. Tell him that the fact that the Relate (or other) counsellor is a stranger is the reason the process becomes possible. No judgment is made but you will both be coaxed into talking about how each of you has viewed the past few years.

I urge you calmly to express your needs and explain that you see this as a necessary step. If he really does love you he should attend to your wishes.

Yes, it is hard to forgive when naturally it’s impossible forget a betrayal.

Sometimes you can build a new stage in a marriage without actually forgiving. It involves saying: ‘You wronged me and are no longer the person I thought you were, but you must now help me learn to love the person you have become.’

It is ‘early days’. I wish you both luck in rebuilding the love that you still share.

And finally… How we’re stronger together

Never speak too soon. Last week I waxed enthusiastic about boxing at the gym and lifting wieghts. Hoping to encourage you all, I have previously celebrated my get-up-and-go feeling to remind you it’s never to late to start getting fit.

Well, even before the last column was printed I was floored by the nasty cold, debilitating dry cough and exhaustion that has afflicted so many this winter. I had to skip my gym session and cancel a work event in London I was looking forward to.

Having bronchial problems since I was three months old, I’m always terrified of a cold leading to a chest infection. So I moped around in bed feeling sorry for myself. Isn’t that the way of the world? One step forward and two steps back. But I’m so lucky to be cheered by some appreciative emails this week.

For example, here is Barbara: ‘Thank you again for all the times you lift my spirits, none more so than today’s gems. The pleasure I get from my feelings being identified by you and your wise replies guides me through these dire days, when so many are suffering. We need to encourage everyone to speak up for themselves but accept that others also have the right to a view. Self-respect must encourage others to understand that human emotion is complex. We can control our own reactions. Bless you!’

Then I was pleased that Valerie, a trained counsellor, endorsed my advice on ‘the power of writing as a potent means of exorcism’. She ended: ‘I guess many of your correspondents write to express their gratitude but I’d like to say “well done”, too.’

And, about a different issue, Jane comments: ‘I felt I had to tell you how much your response to the correspondent meant to me and validated my decision to stay and work through events that led to my situation. I am truly grateful for your words of wisdom.’

I’m grateful too — to all of you who write in with helpful comments. Through mutual encouragment we can grow stronger together.